06/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #219
"Even better, you can connect your GB to a PC to play Nectaris via e-mail. Amazing."
A page of Game Boy news, including the announcement of the Game Boy Color, talk of the Transfer Pak, even that dumb infra-red link system that never worked and no one ever talks about!
Being a stupid child, seeing all this talk of transferring data to the 64DD and connecting Game Boy games to the N64... all that mishmash of information did was give me the foolish delusion that inside every Game Boy game was a totally kickass, fully 3D version waiting to be unleashed. I was having dreams about playing Wario Land 2 in 3D that were so impressive they put the next ten years of video game advancements to shame. You can probably tell it didn't turn out like that, though, but dang it, imagine if it did!
08/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #220
"On his adventures, Ed runs into a CD-worshipping village (evil, evil!)..."
from N64 Pro issue 5 (February 1998)
Even more early Tonic Trouble coverage, with absolutely no gameplay footage whatsoever! And it calls itself 80% completed - the cheek of it!
What it sorely lacks in imagery (compare this to N64 Magazine's coverage just two months earlier - can you guess which magazine had an accomplished page designer?), the second page does make some amusing mentions of planned features, most of which amounted to naught, to my understanding: no multi-player mode was ever included, the 64DD release was quickly shit- canned, and although the game did receive a PC port, it was not presented with downloadable levels and characters from Ubisoft's website. At least, I never heard about it.
10/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #221
"Trust your instincts. Fight back."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 122 (November 2002)
As if the game itself wasn't enough of an uninspired rip-off, even
the ad for Turok Evolution feels like it's been done better elsewhere.
How many times have I told you people, if you absolutely have to rip off
an ad, make it the
Moral Kombat flyer! It's an unstoppable
strategy!!!
(it also doesn't help I can't hear "trust your
instincts" without thinking of Star Fox 64. Thanks, Peppy)
13/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #222
"The hero has unusual taste in underwear"
from Total 64 issue 12 (unknown date)
Some coverage of then-upcoming games that ultimately never came to pass. It's
saying something that even when I was an ignorant kid, I thought the page design
in this section was absolutely atrocious. Yes, let's place thin white text
against a fat blue grid. Had we not learnt from Geocities by this point?
I think this is the first time I've ever seen screens of Buggy Boogie in
its later development, after dropping the cute googly-eyed ATV - and my golly,
is it generic looking.
Spooky is one of those games where its screenshots have circulated around the
unreleased games communities, but I've never read anything spectacular about it.
It looks neat, but this preview does little to inspire me. I do love how
gosh-darned video gamey it is. There's no talk from the developers on what they
wanted to bring to the table, or any unique inspirations they had on its
development. A pitch like "you're collecting shit across TEN LEVELS!!" was all
you needed!
15/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #223
"Mazza's infamous two fingered salute is just one of the things that's gonna be updated."
Some fast sidebar news! Almost every item listed here became
irrelevant or redundant pretty quickly, so let's break it down:
1) "Links' also returning in THREE new Game Boy Color adventures." This
project eventually mutated into the The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons
and Oracle of Ages. The third instalment never came to be, though it was
allegedly meant to be a remake of the original NES game, which would've been
nifty. It wouldn't have been fun having to cram it onto that tiny screen,
though.
2) "Mario's gonna grow up for his next adventure." No, you plonker, he didn't mean it like that. Stay tuned this week for Miyamoto directly answering this!
3) "The ultimate retro classic has been revamped for the year 2000." Space Invaders did indeed see an N64 release, but only in the United States. It did include a boomerang gun, though. Surely that counts as a surprise?
4) "Pokémon is bigger than Star Wars, The Phantom Menace. Fact!" Pikachu outselling Darth Maul on the toy shelves? I'll believe it, given the dearth of Darth Maul figures back then. You got at least three flavours of Anakin to choose from (including Anakin in his dopey ceremonial face paint at the end, I'm pretty sure), but Maul? Son of a bitch had one version, and they all got gaffled immediately. I wasn't kidding when I said Star Wars fatties would "kill your family for a Galactic Heroes Yoda & Kashyyyk Trooper twin pack" [src].
5) "The crazy, leapin' lizard is back to save the day." Gex: Enter The Gecko on Game Boy Color was a bloody awful game and I encourage - nay, demand! - someone come along and defend it, because holy cow, that game was a pile.
17/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #224
"Mario won't get older, and he won't start doing rude stuff!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 122 (November 2002)
More questions for Shiggy from the British readers of ONM!
There's not many questions to get excited about this time, partly because the
answers are so unsatisfying - what, Miyamoto can't tell people what the GameCube
controller is like a year after its release?! (I had to look it up and
make sure I hadn't put the wrong date on this issue!) And the answer about
Ganon's inspiration seems to be retelling the backstory of Ocarina of Time
before realising, crap, that's not what was being asked. In the column's
defence, there's probably a long
gap between when the letters were sent, translated, answered and the answers
translated, before being printed.
If there's good answer to be found, it's almost cute that Miyamoto says he
passed the letter asking for a new Metroid game on to management. It
could be a polite way of saying he dunked that junk in the trash can, but it
always suggests that your totey little voice asking for new instalments of your
favourite franchises might actually mean something to a giant mega-corporation.
Miyamoto also answers the question on everybody's minds from the
moment he mentioned it: what did he mean by Mario becoming more mature? Why,
better graphics, of course! That way he can appeal to a wider audience!
...
Y'know, sometimes fessing up that it was a dodgy translation makes for a more
satisfying answer.
I was actually about to theorise that he meant the inclusion of a larger,
ongoing storyline in Super Mario Sunshine, something I assume was meant
to make it feel like a more engaging experience to make the player connect to
Mario and his predicament. Instead it's just one reason of many I will never
make a new save file in it. There's like twenty minutes of unskippable cutscenes
at the start of that game!
20/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #225
"I've lost my virginity. Can I have yours?"
Hum.
Er.
...
Anyone care to explain this?
22/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #226
"Watch yo ass, Nintendoids!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 66 (March 1998)
It's a new year, and that can only mean one thing: more bloody
Tonic Trouble footage! One thing I never told you before was that ONM
Remembered actually has an invisible subtitle. If you bust out some ol'
fashioned internet x-rays, you'll discover it really reads "ONM REMEMBERED: More
shit about Tonic Trouble than even its developers would care about".
What's amusing about this is the highlight on movie scenes that'd play
throughout the game, making the most of that 64DD disk space. Yeah, guess what,
that didn't happen. Those pre-rendered cutscenes got cut. However, I'm almost
certain that clip at the bottom of the first page was available somewhere on the
internet back then, either on a promotional website or even on a demo disc
packaged with PC magazines. I might be thinking of an entirely different
trailer, though.
Sometime in my life I might actually play the stupid game so I can say with
certainty what didn't make it into the game from these previews. Until then, all
I can do is I can talk vaguely and dismissively about the game and hope Unseen64
does some all the investigating instead!
The second page highlights a strange, one-handed controller
allegedly built for racing games with some totally gonzo button placement... and
I was almost certain this was
the same
controller we saw the development process of back a year and a half ago...
but no, that was a completely different one-handed controller allegedly
built for racing games with totally gonzo button placement. Sometimes I forget
how tame modern gaming is in comparison.
As for the rest of the news (just to be exhaustive!), VR3000 saw a
release under the new title of S.C.A.R.S., Rampage: World Tour got
released a mere three months after this issue (and going by the dates, and was
probably already out in America by the time this ish hit shelves), and the 64DD
did indeed have a modem, though not built-in; it was a cartridge you had
to slot into the top.
24/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #227
"One on Ones like in golden eye 007"
from N64 Magazine issue 12 (February 1998)
More cracking fan-made game ideas, all based off of hit TV shows!
The A-Team! Sharpe! And... snooker. Well, there's always a dud, isn't
there. I mean, who's heard of Sharpe?
A game based off The A-Team (that didn't revolve around
Mr. T's giant disembodied head) would be ace, though developing
something that captures the fun and teamwork of the show without being a total
bore would be a challenge.
Also, I may not know a thing about Sharpe...
...but I know brilliant concept art when I see it. My only suggestion: drop the
riders, give the horses the guns. Now you're talking.
27/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #228
"An old battery also works well."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 91 (April 2000)
If Mario Party hadn't taught you enough, ONM kindly shows you how to completely pulverize your N64 controller.
29/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #229
"And ladies, he's looking cooooool..."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 68 (May 1998)
A shockingly brief (and unsurprisingly crap) preview for Tonic
Trouble from ONM. It's strange what difference a mere two months can make -
the last time ONM took a gander at the game, it was boasting about the
possibility of 64DD content, allowing for movie scenes, huge worlds, and other
glamorous features. This time? Facial expressions.
I'm sure it was impressive in 1998, but it's probably the best they could offer
after that piece of hardware kicked the bucket.
31/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #230
"Hopefully some KFC will bolster your chances of solving the mystery on Tallon IV, Andy. Eat some chicken and go for it."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 132 (September 2003)
It's not nearly as bad as some promotions certain websites have run (though I still attest that Random Shoe Haas totally deserved an ad deal), but this Kentucky Fried Chicken-themed letters page really strikes a nerve. Given the competition it could be worse - there's only two images and an answer relevant to it, but the white and red colour scheme really gears you up to think the Colonel himself is going to be answering your questions on what size of shoe Mario wears.
That being said, there's some amusing letters here, and only one of them is answered by shilling a fried chicken chain. Also, believe it or not, this is the second time in the magazine's history it's had to defend its usage of the word "chink". Maybe instead of a Super Mario Bros. Super Show DVD the readers should've sent in a thesaurus.
03/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #231
"Beat the tubby dragon in Get Character mode."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 88 (January 2000)
Jeepers, Bowser and Donkey Kong had awful graphics on the N64 - they look nothing like themselves!
05/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #232
"Wil tries to make the words blend into the background so they don't distract you from his pictures. Ed."
The editors of N64 Magazine have some mirth at the expense of the elderly.
07/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #233
"PIKATCU PLUSH CHARACTER"
Stacks and stacks of nerdy gamer crap, available through mail order only from Excitement Direct! ... fifteen years ago!
Ads of this nature did show up in regular Nintendo magazines, but I don't think I paid them any notice until I saw them in the Pokémon Master Guide (probably because the page is so spartan you can actually identify what it's offering). Look at all those sweet action figures! And plushies and watches and accessories and FREE POSTAGE!!
It's actually scary to think that my brother and I owned at least one item from nearly all the action figure franchises in the bottom left corner. Barring Tekken 3 and Quake II, we had the Zelda figures, the Mario Kart toys, the Diddy Kong Racing figures, the Metal Gear Solid collection (with limited edition glow-in-the-dark Psycho Mantis), even the bloody Final Fantasy VIII figures. I think they've all since been sold on, partly because I haven't the collector mentality to appreciate it, and partly because eyyy gimme the money. (they still live on in those old Motorbike Man cartoons that you probably shouldn't check out)
It was a fascinating sensation back then discovering that there were toys of our favourite video game franchises... a notion that feels a little diluted when darn near every video game has a custom statuette as a pre-order exclusive, which they inevitably manufacture in excess and can't shift to save their life. Clearly they should be producing more merchandise of "Dingo Dille" instead. I'd buy a dozen.
10/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #234
"GAMES DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR"
At long last, another great ad for URwired.com's delivery service. I'm a little disappointed I never used it, but I'm more disappointed their Final Fantasy VIII ad wasn't printed in every magazine for the rest of eternity.
12/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #235
"Occupation: Cyborg assassinator"
Dual Heroes - one of many fighting games on the N64 (well, comparatively, given the small library) that never seemed to garner positive words in any of the magazines... but darn it if they didn't look rad as all hell in the screenshots. Fighting games have a strange life cycle - some gain popularity almost immediately, and some fizzle out quickly, only to be rediscovered and embraced by a community for its metagame. I always like to believe even dodgy titles like Dual Heroes have some merit in them just waiting to be discovered... but some games are just tosh. Oh well. At least they look good in stills.
14/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #236
"This promises to be the most violent fight fest yet, with the infamous barbed wire bouts already up 'n' running."
Not a shining beacon of professionalism on ONM's part here - this whole page (bar the headers and a couple of insets) has got some seriously dodgy font-setting and letter-spacing going on! This dodgy font did sneak into a couple of other pages this issue, but they were nowhere near as disruptive as this. Also, is that a GameSpot watermark on the corner of that ECW Hardcore Revolution screenshot? Naughty naughty!
Have I any nice things I can say? Well, International Karate has got one of the best afro and sideburn combinations ever rendered in 8-bits.