17/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #237
"Imagine if you were ten and were asked to draw a sumo wrestler in 30 seconds using thick marker pens, it would look like the sumos in Oozumo."
A solid review from N64 Pro for Oozumo, a cute and quirky sumo game.
I'm almost certain I made a remark contradicting this way earlier in the column,
but among the gaming mags I collected, N64 Pro was probably the one with the
most memorable reviews. Not in the sense that years later I'd be gushing, gosh,
those fellas did a bang-up job selling me on Iggy's Wreckin' Balls, but
in the sense that it gave me a real feeling for what the game was like and what
all the staff thought of it. The likes of ONM were more keen to offer the barest
of gameplay information and a healthy heap of screenshots, but it served to
excite more than educate, even if they did give a game a low score. The next
post will serve as a demonstration, because sometimes I want ONM Remembered to
make an example, y'know!
Also, this game makes me nostalgic for dumb and simple sports games with cute
graphics. I'd kill for a chibi wrestling game with a ring set on the moon.
19/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #238
"Juie the bionic beast takes on Retsu, super ninja."
Dual Heroes! Yet another quirky and colourful N64 fighting game I've never touched in my life, have heard nothing but middling-to-poor reviews for it, but boy did all the magazines know how to make it look exciting!
Looking at the N64 Pro review from the last entry, this is almost a textbook
example of how not to structure a review. It dedicates eight
paragraphs in prominent boxes to the most basic of info: the story, the controls
and the fact fights are fought best two-out-of-three (holy
shit!!!). The actual review, if it deserves to be called that, is
squeezed between colourful screenshots and some really sweet splash art. The
caption says "This close up shot shows the poor graphics," but I'm
thinking, does it? The screenshot is too tiny to tell, and what I do see is
miles better-looking than the first screenshots they ever showed of Mario
Party, I can tell you that much.
The review sums up to "save your money", but it only makes me wonder, why spend
a two-page spread on a game that's not worth your time, let alone 150 words of
so-called insight? To its credit, the magazine would quickly learn its lesson
and squeeze reviews of crap games to half a page or less, unless they could milk
some humour out of it.
21/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #239
Poopality
This is brilliance.
24/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #240
"It's even got giant robot Goemon Impact in it!"
from 64 Magazine volume 9 (1998)
Holy smokes there was a Goemon anime!?!?!?
A lot of my exposure to video game media came from Nintendo magazines, and I had
nigh-zero chances of seeing them in person. Sure, I'd heard there was a
Donkey Kong cartoon, but I didn't have the channels it was broadcast on;
its title in the RadioTimes served only to taunt me. Even the Donkey Kong
Country action figures I only stumbled across in a Spanish airport around
2005, and found nowhere else (who had even heard of them, for
that matter?). It was almost reassuring to read about a Ganbare Goemon
TV series and know it would never, ever, not in a million years, reach our
shores... but gosh darn if I wasn't any less excited about it!!!!
And then it miraculously(?) came out on DVD anyway. I still haven't watched it. I'd like to think its memory will remain more magical that way, though I could very well be denying myself decent fodder for Random Action Hour.
26/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #241
"Go on Otis, you go first. We have a bad feeling about this, so the old boy makes sure everything is safe."
Somewhere along the line, the Turok series went from merely obliterating your enemies with outlandishly grotesque weapons, to sacrificing the lives of fellow survivors just to make things easier for you. I don't know about you, but I think a few janitors would be wildly appreciated in a post-apocalyptic landscape. Sure, it's easy to dish it out with a Cerebral Bore, but would you want to be the one responsible for cleaning those hallways of viscera and grey matter? The Lost Land needs more folk like Otis.
28/February/2015
ONM Remembered - #242
"Meet the root of our evil."
"Was that a fart or a poop? I really don't want to change twice today."
03/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #243
"Q: So did the disaster of the film have any psychological effect on your development?"
from Nintendo Pro issue 33 (2000)
The Nintendo 64 got a little weird at the end of its era. Okay, I've said it was weird at darn near every part of its life cycle, but you'd pick up the latest issue of ONM (or, in this case, the cheapest imitation the duty-free had on their shelves), leaf through the previews, and come across some games that just made you wonder... why? What audience was there for such a particular game, and what was the developers reasoning behind it? I mean, we had Donkey Kong 64 already, and Banjo-Tooie came out just a month after this in America. I think we were sorted for 3D platformers 'til the next generation, lads.
As light as it is on actual preview material (enjoy the blurry, context-free
screenshots!), it does offer a neat little interview with Holly Hirzel,
then-president of the Player 1 development studio, but has since made a name for
herself in Microsoft's Xbox Live department, which is a good step-up from duff
bowling games. She mentions the challenge of Titus handing them the license out
of nowhere, which I find amusing: both the possible (if unlikely)
notion that Titus were still holding the Blues Brothers
license since 1991, and the reality that developers must face of being handed a
completely outrageous license and asked to make a game out of it. A Trading
Places game, you say...?
It also amuses me to read an interview with a woman in games development that
isn't harassing her about her credentials, but instead "did you really
like Blues Brothers 2000?"
05/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #244
"I reckon his super hero would prove more than a match for anyone."
Welcome to deviantART.
07/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #245
"FANTASTIC FIRST PERSON SHOOTER"
Y'know, of all the ads I've seen with needless innuendo and double-entendres shoved in, I'm surprised Daikatana doesn't get in on the act. It's got such a reputation to live up to!
10/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #246
"High kickin' help."
I think someone needs to take away ONM's copy of Photoshop. It's being used to create nefarious monstrosities and cheap filler material!
12/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #247
"USE SIGN TO AVOID GETTING HIT BY CAR!"
A quick look at the elusive Turrican 64, which at this point has mutated into the new title Thornado due to rights issues. Yet another of those previews that exists only as teeny tiny little concept sketches that the magazine then printed even teenier and tinier. Not exactly a recommendation to send N64 Magazine exclusive content, is it? Mind you, the fact that bitty concept sketches were good enough to get a game listed in the previews section feels quite alien nowadays. Wait until we can preorder it, at least!
14/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #248
"Downers: Having bugger all beer money because you've spent it all down the high street"
from N64 Pro issue 4 (February 1998)
Haha, now this is a bit of a relic: a guide on the various outlets you can buy N64 games and consoles from, the pros and cons of each of them, and how much money you'll have for booze by the end of it.
N64 Pro received praise in its letters page for feeling like a "grown up" games magazine. Sure, it'd preview Diddy Kong Racing with giddy excitement like all other magazines did, but its approach to writing and its features felt a bit more 'sensible' - it'd tell you how nifty or not-nifty a game was, but it would stress if it was worth the money or not. When so many magazines are caught up in the thrill of new games and strange imports, it's nice to have something a bit down to earth, written for your regular joe or an ordinary parent in mind.
I wonder if you could write two pages out of modern gaming bargins, though. You either wait for the Steam sale, hope your local rental chain hasn't shut down, or find a misspelled eBay auction and pray nobody else sees it. Never feels as whimsical, does it?
17/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #249
"Toad is your guide to the Information Board. What a cutie!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 91 (April 2000)
A really sweet, colourful preview for Mario Party 2. From
the impressions I hear online, most folks consider it the best of the N64
instalments, if not the best one in the entire series.
Myself? I've never actually played it! The idea of the Mario characters wearing
costumes actually offended me. Oh, sure, it's a party and all, but you wanna
play as Wario, right? You want Wario to be Wario! I don't know about you, but
I'd be frustrated if I played a Wario Land game and he was hidden beneath
a poncho and novelty cowboy hat for the entire game.
19/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #250
"The fastest game on earth."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 64 (January 1998)
An amusing ad, but it holds a better reputation for appearing in every bloody magazine on the planet, It felt like this ad kept popping up for years, if not multiple times per issue! And since the framing isn't that compelling it gets a bit tiresome to see over and over again. I never thought, "boy, that must be really fast!", I just kept thinking, "I wish that man would stop sitting on his barbeque lid and making faces."
21/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #251
"Free poster"
Jesus fuck. Would you want this hanging up on your wall? I
mean, a Star Fox 64 poster was enough to give a friend of mine
nightmares, I don't know what this would've given him.
It's a pity because it's actually a pretty sweet action shot. If it was
anything other than that gormless, frightening Forsaken face gazing
at you I'd say it'd be worth having.
I think Snagglepuss would've been a better fit, though.