29/November/2014
ONM Remembered - #203
"What's cool? An original gaming hero"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 66 (March 1998)
A very light (and woefully grainy) preview of Buck Bumble, six months before its US release. It hasn't much to comment upon, besides shilling the developer's previous work on StarWing as a reason to get excited. It makes me wonder if the free roaming aspect and overwhelming amount of freedom (and little to no direction) were what they had wanted when they first developed Star Fox.
There's some amusing news snippets shoved in at the bottom, including talk of Yoshi's Story getting a difficulty increase come its American release (that'll save Nintendo!), and apocryphal talk of Factor 5 mastering sound compression tech, a forerunner for their work on Star Wars: Rogue Squadron.
02/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #204
"Yoshi's Island sweets: Cute and full of fruit."
ONM showing off some really colourful Nintendo trinkets from Japan, of varying levels of worthlessness. The Mario Kart model looks great, and I'm a sucker for any foodstuff with video game themed packaging... but what are you going to do with a Yoshi's Island water wheel? Put water in it? DON'T BE A FOOL THAT'S A COLLECTOR'S ITEM
ONM also had the gall to print these lovely items on the bloody letters page, which always made me believe you were in for a chance of actually winning one of these stupid items if they really liked your letter. Not that I had any desire whatsoever to own Pokémon sellotape, but if they gave it to me for expressing my opinion on Wetrix, I wouldn't be arguing.
04/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #205
"Stop talking Double Dutch, you complete loon!"
from Nintendo Pro issue 33 (2000)
There's very little positive to say about Nintendo Pro. It was
colourful, i guess? Eclectic graphic design aside, its reviews were forgettable,
its news unexciting, and its letters pages felt it combined the worst of
early-N64 and pre-GameCube ONM's letters. Yes, that is an incredibly
specific complaint to make, but if you're familiar with them, you'd know!
Even its "dumb letters" column felt hackneyed, like even its readers weren't
trying hard enough. Not a patch on some of N64 Magazine's screwballs, that's for
sure.
06/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #206
"PESTICIDAL MANIAC"
from N64 Magazine issue 23 (December 1998)
A cute little ad for Buck Bumble. I do find the hand-drawn
art from last week's preview so much nicer, though - it emits more personality
than the sleek 3D model, which I almost expect to be a battery mascot or
something. Forget AA batteries! Try some BBs on for size! TURBO CHARGE YOUR BEES
(i am so tired)
09/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #207
"COMPATIBLE WITH ALL "RUMBLE PAK™" GAMES"
from N64 Pro issue 6 (April 1998)
Soak it in, folks! Pure, unadulterated mid-90s graphic design!
Embrace that off-colour fiery background! Cast your eyes on the half-dozen fonts
employed all at once! It feels good to be alive.
It makes me sad sometimes seeing great, nostalgic graphic design like this, and
wondering where the people who made them are now. Did they --gasp!--
adapt to more contemporary styles, or did their faithfulness to the styles of
the era force them into unemployment? Wherever they are, let it be known: I'd
love to have a sign on my front door just like this. It really gives a good
impression when your house number looks it's made out of riveted steel and is
also on fire.
11/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #208
"When Mr. T awakens the next morning, he is angered at his bare neck."
A sampling of letters from N64 magazine, who, let's face it, tended to attract a more interesting and abstract crowd than ONM. This one page includes interpretations of the planet abbreviations from Star Fox 64, a letter from Fox McCloud, and a totally gonzo game idea starring the Chuckle Brothers, international cricket players and Yogi Bear driving Renault's brand of family cars.
It doesn't get any better than this.
13/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #209
"The X-Box prototype came with an appalling controller that creaked and groaned when it was squeezed, and an analogue stick that could best be described as evil."
from N64 Magazine issue 41 (May 2000)
The early days of the GameCube hype train, back when it was still
the Dolphin, had absolutely no known footage or games, and thought publicly
trolling its third-party developers at the Game Developers Conference was a good
idea. At least we got a chuckle out of it.
Aside from the proposed release dates being way out of whack with when they were
really released - Europe didn't get the GameCube 'til the end of Spring 2002! -
there's not much to be read into this, outside of a reminder of how dodgy that
original Xbox was in its development. It is interesting that Retro Studios, Left
Field Productions and Nintendo Software Technologies all get a mention when
their output was slim to nil by the time this was printed. The little guys
deserve mention too, I suppose!
16/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #210
"The next best thing to having one parked in your drive..."
With nothing more than a fuzzy screenshot and some surplus ellipses, you too can create your very own humdrum advertisement, guaranteed to be completely forgotten the moment the reader turns the page!
18/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #211
"Thanks. I thought yours was the best letter I've ever read."
from N64 Magazine issue 8 (November 1997)
They not be completely off-the-wall insane, but I'm happy nonetheless that N64 Magazine found the time and space to print these strange little submissions. I think I'm just happy to know there was once someone who swore by Slippy's name.
20/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #212
"It's not this kind of typical Nintendo kiddie cutesy-bizarre character, it's a bee with a big f*ck-off gun, y'know?" "And sunglasses." "And sunglasses!"
from 64 Magazine volume 15 (18th June 1998)
A nice, in-depth little feature on Buck Bumble, showing off its most recent build with commentary from the designers, musician and programmers. I never really got into the game myself (though it's 2-player football game was a surprising amount of fun), but reading stuff like this always makes me appreciate a game some more.
Because 64 Magazine is such a wonky size (it's a bit wider than A4, but also a teensy bit shorter), the sides are a bit cut-off, but it should still be entirely readable. I was half-tempted to leave the pages at their original scanning resolution (and monstrous file size), if just because where else are you going to find high-definition Buck Bumble artwork in this day and age?
23/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #213
A Link to the Festivities
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 148 (January 2005)
The artwork used through this issue's review of Four Swords
Adventures had all the Links' hats recoloured to red, and for the longest
time (ten years, if we're counting!) it boggled the hell
out of me. I mean, they were coloured correctly on the cover - did something go
wrong in the printing press? Did ONM get a dodgy batch of art files from
Nintendo's press release or something? What possible explanation could there--
They're Santa hats.
They're little bloody Santa hats with fuzzy bobbles on the end.
Finally identifying that after ten years of "okay what's going on
here," my first reaction isn't, oh, that's cute. It's instead, wow, that is the
worst edit I've ever seen in the magazine's history. They haven't even got
outlines, for crying out loud! You've got the budget to throw Tim Weaver in a
robe and wizard
hat, but not enough for some drop shadow? Step up your game, lads. You're
ruining Christmas for all of us.
(the review itself was pretty decent though)
25/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #214
"And don't say that it gives more gamers a chance to play a great game, because deep down you know it sucks, too."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 148 (January 2005)
Besides serving as a snapshot of hot gaming tops from the era
(losing console exclusives stinks! online gaming stinks! conversely, where's my
online Pokémon, Nintendumb?), this serves up some baffling
Christmas-themed material: Ask the Xmas Tree? Like, the one from that course in
Diddy Kong Racing? Really? Well, it's no Seal, but if you
went ahead and made the graphic and everything...
Lastly: Phillip Goldney? You are a saint. Thank you for being the man who asks
the hard questions.
27/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #215
"CRIMBO PUDDIN'"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 64 (December 1997)
As a hyperactive youth excited near to death by the impending release of Diddy Kong Racing (or had it come out by this point?), this cover ticked all the boxes, and then some. "Why you MUST play this game!" "N64 for under £100!" "CRIMBO PUDDIN'!" I'm not sure why the last one is mentioned, but why the hell not? It's giving us plenty to be excited about!
When the magazines needed space to fill they'd usually trot out a
small "top 5 Christmassy levels in games" list somewhere, though, let's face it,
not many games of this era actually evoked a Christmassy vibe, unless they were
some gimmicky Amiga game released only in New Zealand or something. I mean,
sure, Snowman's Land from Super Mario 64 would be guaranteed a spot on
the list, but it's hardly Christmassy - it's the worst parts of being outdoors
in December! Losing your hat, slipping on ice, getting pummelled with snowballs,
having coins transform into frog-shaped purses and hopping away. I wouldn't wish
it on my worst enemy, I tell you.
But Diddy Kong Racing's winter stages capture the vibe a lot better than
just sprinkling snow everywhere. They're colourful and cosy and undeniably
festive, with all sorts of decorations littering the courses and jingle bells
playing in the tracks. If there's a game fit to grace a Christmas-themed cover,
it's that one!
30/December/2014
ONM Remembered - #216
"Answers that begin with the letter S will be instantly binned to preserve the gene pool!"
Some amusing little bits from 64 Magazine. Those keychains look really nifty, and if it weren't for the fact every keychain I've ever owned has been scratched and scuffed to high heaven, I'd love to have one. Unfortunately, what was once sold for £8 now sells for $60 on Amazon USA. Thanks for being entrepreneurs, fuckers!
At the bottom is a quick look at a few Japanese gaming mags, though it's nothing we haven't heard of before... except for Anal Man, that is. Having quickly glanced at his Wikipedia entry, he's apparently a superhero with the power to pull weapons out of his asshole. I don't know about you, but I think I was a happier man before I knew that.
01/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #217
"Board stoopid"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 69 (June 1998)
I'm posting this not because I've played this, nor have I had any
affinity for boarding games of the snow, air or water variety, but because it
reminds me of a demo I had on the Dreamcast. Same basic idea: racing and pulling
tricks on hoverboards and whatnot. Not a bad game, whatever it was, but if you
lost any of the challenges, it would flash "LOSER" at the top of the screen...
... and it would never go away. It didn't matter if you were just toying around
on the ramps or actively participating in a new challenge, it kept flashing
"LOSER". Until you proved yourself a winner (or turned the game off), it would
constantly remind you of your single failure at the top of the screen.
Whether you choose to interpret that as an allegory for self loathing or fodder
for a creepypasta is up to you.
Also, I swear I've seen this artist's work before, but since the game's credits aren't online I can't identify them. Searching for "that one guy who draws people with giant ears and boobs-and-butts poses" probably won't get me anywhere fast.
03/January/2015
ONM Remembered - #218
"Does this mean that other Rare heroes have secret piercings or tattoos? Spill the beans, Tusk."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 92 (May 2000)
More amusing questions for everyone's favourite Killer Instinct character! There's some real winners here, but personally, the one that gets me giggling is someone making fun of Tusk's hair. If there's one way to prove yourself as an internet tough guy, it's threatening a fictional character.