12/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #16
"It's Brian Blessed, and he wants to shout at you!!!!!"
No, I didn't scan this page because I give a hoot about Holy Magic Century - I scanned it because of Wil Overton!
What do I know about Wil Overton? Very little, actually, but the internet has a knack for making people appear knowledgeable. Wil was credited as N64 Magazine's art and design chief, but made frequent appearances reviewing or previewing import games, not to mention occasionally taking the helm of some of N64 Magazine's fantastic features columns. He created the magazine's little globe mascot fellow, and also drew these two generic RPG warriors, who I can't help but love to bits.
Doesn't that little illustration just embody what fantasy RPGs should be all
about? Colourful little chaps with fancy weaponry, arcane powers and swishy hair
getting into whimsical adventures? ... at least, that's what I thought
RPGs were all about, until I discovered the true meaning of role playing games
was angst, turn-based combat and grinding like it was your living. That was also
the day my whimsy died.
Genre woes aside, I always loved Wil's illustrations. And as sappy as it
sounds, I feel that illustration captures the heart and soul of Japanese RPGs
more passionately than the games themselves.
(look, I saw the image a lot, and it's had nearly fifteen years
to grow on me - can't a man get attached to some doodles?)
Writing this post, I've discovered that Wil is still alive, still kicking, and still producing some lovely art and design work. And he had a stint at Rare, wouldn't you know! He's got a beautifully designed website with a swell little blog that I'd totally suggest you check out.
14/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #17
"Will you too fall into a coma?"
Think fast! You're the editor of a British gaming magazine. Over in Japan, a
cartoon based off of a popular video game franchise has triggered seizures in
several thousand young children. Do you...
A) Handle the matter in a sensitive and thoughtful manner?
B) Allow readers to experience it for themselves?
16/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #18
"KISS MY FAT ASS MONKEY BOY!"
from Nintendo Pro issue 33 (2000)
Say hello to Nintendo Pro: Easily identified by littering each and every page in speech balloons. We may be seeing more of them later.
Also, holy crap, either they cropped more out of that image than they meant to, or Donkey Kong has a frighteningly huge gap between his head and his body.
19/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #19
"WINNER OF 4 BAFTA AWARDS"
A bit of horn tooting from ol' Ninty here, that also tickles one of my pet
peeves: If you can't sell a game on its own merits, you can sell it on how many
film awards it's won!
Mind you, I do love how Ganondorf is referred to as GANONDORF THE EVIL THIEF
KING. I personally believe every character in all of fiction should have a
title instead of a surname.
Starring LINK - THE MUTE BISHOUNEN HERO.
Starring NAVI - THE ATTEMPT AT TYING SEVERAL GAMEPLAY FEATURES INTO A SHALLOW
CHARACTER.
Starring THE RUNNING MAN - THE CHEATING SON OF A BITCH.
Starring THE SHARK - THAT GODDAMNED TERRIFYING TEXTURE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE
LAKE HYLIA LAB.
Starring RAGEY - THE INCOMPETENT BLOG MAN WHO STRETCHES OUT JOKES FOR TOO
LONG.
...
starring YOU THE INCREASINGLY PISSED OFF READER.
21/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #20
"This only applies if you aren't dead."
N64 Magazine had some deliciously stupid content.
23/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #21
"Life's a game"
I talked about another ad in this series before, so my basic complaints still stand: It's outstandlingly bland. Look, it's an ad for a GameCube game! How can you tell? ... well, there's a GameCube in the corner. And there's some stuff inside a cube. Watch out, dudes, high-end concepts in action here.
You know, this ad could have been great. The image of Pikmin actually being at the roots of flowers and leaves sticking from the ground could be a very powerful one... but the scope feels so minimal and the focus so cramped because of that blasted cube. On first glance, I just see the Pikmin and go "oh, Pikmin in a cube. Cute." It's only after looking closer do I notice all the leaves at the top, and only then does the image of so many Pikmin crammed into that soil spring into my head.
But since the soil is viewed from a low perspective, you don't get to grasp just how many leaves there are in there. It's an image that requires a large scope, but the template of something in a cube chokes the creativity. The other ads in the series stick to just a single simple image - a guy in bandages; a magazine saying SUBSCRIBE NOW; real no-brainer stuff. Even something simple like a flower pot with a Pikmin head protruding from the soil could've sufficed. But this one actually frustrates me. There's the potential for a great full-page splash ad here, and they ruined it! They freakin' ruined it!
... I hadn't actually intended to rant so much! I didn't even pay much notice to any of this when scanning the page. My intention was just to say, "isn't this a boring ad," and then whine about how Pikmin can't walk on bridges to save their lives. Like, literally. Little dimwits would fall off and drown every time. Drove me up the wall.
26/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #22
"(I just finished a real hot hat!)"
A rather boring Animal Crossing ad. It's appropriate for the target audience, I suppose, and there's no dicks or boobs or farts, so I respect it for that. I just don't think I'd know a good way of advertising a life sim without boring my own face off.
However, I didn't scan this as an excuse to waffle about the game. No, I
scanned it because of the image in the bottom corner.
A boy and his duck exchanging jazz hands. If that isn't the basis of the
feel-good game or the year, I don't know what is.
28/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #23
"IF GAMING IS YOUR WORLD, IT'S BEST YOU STAY AT HOME"
(from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 94 (July 2000)
This image is a flipping masterpiece.
30/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #24
"Serious soccer sim with a difference"
I love it when game mags print reader-submitted game ideas.
Especially when they're just totally nuts. It might have to do with my
terminal lack of interest in football, though, but this one just seems so
sterile. So... uninspiring. You've got a pen, paper and a brain with
infinite imagination. What will your game idea be?
... apes playing football? Oh. All right, then.
That's what I love about when people write game ideas. They're not faced with the unfortunate reality of designing it, programming it and selling it, or having to take into account whether or not the market is ready for a Jerry Springer slash televised murder simulator. If you've a game idea, good or not, you write it down! After all, it's only text. What have you got to lose? This, however, just seems like a wasted opportunity.
Then again, I suppose a bit of pandering prose to a mag already
obsessed with footie and Rare is a quick and easy way of scoring yourself a
third-party Rumble Pak. If that was indeed the case: smart thinking, Laycock!
Mind you, Rare seems like the kind of company (back then, at
least) who would run with an idea like this, and probably make a decent
game out of it, too.
02/September/2012
ONM Remembered - #25
"I called him this because..."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 91 (April 2000)
Did you know that three of the characters in Banjo-Tooie were named not by Rare, but by members of the British public through a contest in Official Nintendo Magazine? Now you do!
"This coal monster's name will be revealed in next month's NOM."
For the longest time, issue 94 was the only issue I could find that had this information, and it was easily the worst of the bunch - it didn't say who named who, it wasn't the actual contest to let people enter, it was little more than a reminder that this happened. In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find any info on this on the internet at all. There's one mention on Chris P. Bacon's entry on the Banjo-Kazooie Wikia, citing one "Rai Butera" as the man behind his name, but that's all the info available. You'd think someone would have mentioned it!
"We had loads of crap names for this hero."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 95 (August 2000)
And finally, here's the genuine article. In ONM Issue 95, three people were
chosen as winners, and won a free copy of Banjo-Tooie, as well as signed artwork
from the game.
For posterity: Chris P. Bacon, the photographing pig, was named by Simon Turk
from Tunbridge Wells.
Bullion Bill, the prospector fox, was named by Kyle Hudspeth from
Rotherham.
And Old King Coal's name is credited to Jeremy Craggs from Milton Keynes.
It's not much to write home about, but it's an intriguing little
bit of trivia. Sadly, for all their contributions (where would
the Banjo franchise be without Bullion Bill?!?), the three weren't
given a credit in the finished product. What a con! How can these three exploit
their bragging rights if the game itself won't back them up? It should be on billboards, man.
Personally, I'd like to know where this Rai Butera came from. Is it someone who
capitalised on the lack of evidence and claimed he named the porky person? Was
there another contest I don't know about? At this point, I'm not exactly fussed.
I'm pretty content with the answers I've got.
04/September/2012
ONM Remembered - #26
"When it comes to video games, there are great ones, average ones, and complete and utter dogs. Without doubt, FIFA 64 falls into the last category."
The best football game promotional images are the ones where it looks like the players are performing wire-fu aerial kicks against each other.
06/September/2012
ONM Remembered - #27
"Jango Fett hails from what planet?"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 122 (November 2002) pack-in, Star Wars
Collectors Magazine
Didn't you know? Southend is actually a planet. The British Empire conquered it
and squished it into the side of England. That explains all the accents in
Star Wars.
Also, Scotland is a space ship and Ireland is a pork pie.
09/September/2012
ONM Remembered - #28
"Gather round, my little sealettes..."
In the very first issue of ONM I'd ever picked up, the letters page was answered not by one of the magazine's staff... but instead by a surly sea mammal called Seal. The Seal of No Quality, to be precise.
A snarky, foul-mannered prick, he was prone to insulting the readers' intelligence; talking about how stupid the PlayStation is; praising Nintendo Official Magazine, and informing people of the difference between 50hz and 60hz video displays. Despite that, readers seemed to love him, and the letters page was littered in fan art and requests for more info about Seal. For whatever reason, he had an unexplained hatred of the magazine's editor, Simon Clays. He wasn't the only one badmouthing him, poor ed was the subject of many reader-submitted letters, game ideas and fan art that revolved around tormenting the man in a number of creative fashions.
As if it wasn't enough for the letters page to be helmed by a fictional
character with an agenda, he also had a fictional girlfriend, Geri
Haliwhale.
...
No, I'm serious.
Look, it was dumb as all hell, but you lived with it because where else would
you read the latest news on great titles like Body Harvest? Nowhere,
that's where. Okay, there were a bunch of other Nintendo mags, most of which had
humans answering mail... but why would you buy a Nintendo mag that didn't
have a scowling creature of the deep in charge of letter duty? It's the ultimate
catch-22, my friend.
By issue 61 (or earlier?), the Seal's Mailbag pages were renamed Club Mario and answered by ONM staff (okay, not exactly - every answer was prefaced with "ONM", never a staff member's name, so for all I know it could have been the office dustbin answering them), while letters to Seal were lumped into a column at the end. The character and his column stuck around until issue 68, when the character was retired.
Apparently Seal wasn't the magazine's first fictional member of staff - in the mag's early days as Nintendo Magazine System (long before I started collecting it), the letters page had Skull. It sounds so bad it's hard to believe, but I'd believe it. You can read all about it (and then some) at Frying Bear.
... and because I've no idea where else to put it, here's some fan art from the
same issue, featuring the magazine's staff in Star Wars. This is entirely lost on me.
11/September/2012
ONM Remembered - #29
"Pull the other one"
from N64 Pro issue 6 (April 1998)
One of many early previews of Jest, a game that after a mild amount of coverage and hype, was quietly axed and never saw a release. Looking through the old mags, I'm a little startled at how many times it shows up - it's not plaguing every single issue, but it shows up enough for the same old screenshots and info that get trod out every time to wear on your patience a little. You get really sick of that low angle shot on the first page.
If we get sentimental, it's kind of sad looking at games like this.
The preview text does its best to make the game sound appealing, but the game,
frankly, looked a bit bleh. The attempt at emulating the look of a French comic
book is a really cool idea, but the technology was waaay before you could
look at it and immediately realise, "oh, that's what they were going
for!" I dig low-poly stuff, but you'd be hard-pressed to mimic a certain art
style when everything looks like a jumble.
Previews of the game showed up time and time again, but I don't think I ever
read any of them; they barely made any mention of what the game itself
was like. If it were released, it's the sort of thing that'd probably become
totally forgotten once the review period was over. Never getting a release is
probably the best thing that happened to it; that way it'll always be mildly
appealing to those in the unreleased games niche.
God, isn't this depressing?
13/September/2012
ONM Remembered - #30
"a BREAK from the NORM"
You've got to feel sorry for poor Norm. He's the dorkiest of dweebs, sure, but that's no reason to practise your bondage skills on him.
Also, the nineties, maaaan, the nineties.