03/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #176
"Jim, Jim, what were you thinking? It's like Elvis joining the Monkees. Stay solo, Jim, and keep your integrity."
For all my immature cracks about gaming journalism, I don't really follow it much. Heck, a majority of the things I've joked about I've never experienced. I once made a Random Action Hour update with a Gurren Lagann reference (in, what, 2008?), and I only watched a bit of it last year. I wasn't that fussed on it!
I think what I was trying to say was scores and percentages are a
funny ol' business. Haven't gaming reviewers claimed that comically low scores
devalue the purpose of scores in the first place? N64 Magazine clearly gave no damns about
scores, what with Clay Fighter 63⅓'s score of 24%.
That means it's nearly
three times better than Mortal Kombat Mythologies! If you did not experience
nearly three times the enjoyment out of this compared to Mythologies, then I
believe you're entitled to whine to the magazine and suggest they make it 24.8%.
(... has anyone even read that controversial 8.8 Twilight Princess review?
I
can't say I have, but Jesus, people, it's a fucking number)
(... I'm angry today, apparently!)
05/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #177
"The respect of game players is always the energy source of we creators to make something new."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 137 (February 2004)
Here's that other Miyamoto interview I eluded to back in November! You can see why I excluded it from Miyamoto Week - it's pretty darn ordinary. Lots of questions about upcoming titles and technology. Miyamoto reaffirms that Nintendo are all about family titles. Surprises of the century.
07/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #178
Guh-huh!
from...?
In my box of Nintendo mags, I found this loose fold-out sheet with Banjo-Kazooie posters on each side. I've a feeling this came from a walkthrough for the game rather than a magazine, but what the heck, let's throw it on here. I ain't picky!
I miss cute promotional art like this! It seems a modern game is lucky to
have more than two pieces of art for the main character, but it's shocking to
look at these old mags and see just how much promotional art was produced, but
rarely seen in the wild. It's heartening.
... what I don't miss are those freaky knobbly hands. Yuck! Seriously,
I've never noticed how frighteningly detailed those things
were before. Even the Jinjo's hand is creepy and kooky and realistic!
Eyeueegh. This must be why Sonic wears gloves, folks.
10/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #179
"Maybe Ubi Soft's artists can't draw arms. or legs. They can certainly draw skeletal Grim Reapers, though."
from N64 Magazine issue 10 (December 1997)
Some early footage of Tonic Trouble! So early that the entire thing is made
up of concept art.
I never got far in the game, but I'm pretty certain that none
of those guys highlighted on the second page ever show up in the game. Prove me
wrong, readers!
(if The Nut actually is in the game then I might have a reason
to play it again - yes, I'll play a game just to see a dude wearing swell
dungarees. You wouldn't?)
12/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #180
"Bursting Bugs, ancient parchment, sore feet."
So, uh, Rowntrees, known for their Fruit Pastilles, Jelly Tots and other sugary confections, ran some strange magazine and web ad campaign during 2001. I only caught a few of the ads in ONM and assorted comic books, and I'm in no place to act the historian and tell you the ins and outs of the whole shebang... but I will say, it was pretty eye-catching.
14/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #181
"OH NO! KRUSTY THE CLOWN HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE EVIL SIDESHOW BOB AS REVENGE ON KRUSTY FOR ALL THOSE YEARS OF TORTURE! GO ALL AROUND SPRINGFIELD IN SEARCH OF ELUSIVE KRUSTY KAPS. THERE ARE 50 TO COLLECT IN ALL, AND WHEN YOU HAVE COLLECTED THEM ALL, KRUSTY WILL BE RELEASED, AND SIDESHOW BOB WILL BE SENTENCED TO 20 YEARS COMMUNITY SERVICE WORKING WITH KRUSTY. YOU CAN USE THE SCHOOL BUS AS TRANSPORT AND THE PLACES YOU WILL VISIT INCLUDES: KWIK-E-MARKET, MO'S AND THE SIMPSON'S HOUSE"
More Spice Games. There's not a lot I can say about them this time - one has no ideas and simply asks "make a game about this, please!"; one that's a licensed Goldeneye knockoff, and one that's a little bit insane: Mario characters going horseback riding across England, challenging sumo wrestlers and the Queen Mother? A product of a grander age, surely.
17/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #182
"Not content with inspiring a chocolate biscuit, the penguin has powers too."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 58 (July 1997)
A huge preview for Space Station Silicon Valley, stuffed full of info, screenshots, and some really neat concept art. As the first issue of ONM I ever picked up, seeing a huge, colourful preview like this was genuinely enticing, and captivating features like this were darn near the sole reason to pick up the magazine.
As intrigued as I was, it seemed to take an eternity for this game to arrive on shelves - it took a year and a quarter from this preview to release, but actually finding it in a store was really hard. For all the time I spent entranced by these pages, I never got to play it. No chance of rerelease, then?
19/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #183
"The ultimate CGI animated adventure!"
Don't you love straight-to-video animation? Without it, we'd never have
gotten The
Incredible Crash Dummies! Mind you, while that looked quite pleasant with its
deliberate minimalist look, this... looks...
Wow, it looks hideous. It's disturbing enough having to look at the box. Zoom
straight in on the main character's face and see how long you can last before
you start edging away from the monitor. Come on. Try it. It proves a point
better than my insufferable waffling can!
21/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #184
"Basically, when I'm in trouble, I run away."
from N64 Magazine issue 41 (May 2000)
Another delightfully daft feature from N64 Magazine. This time, the Nintendo 64's greatest baddies and their stupid, stupid plans. Another entertaining piece from Tim Weaver.
24/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #185
"The smell of Yoshi pooing out eggs is actually WORSE than the hum from Bowser's jockstrap."
Crikey! Eight years after they chucked him out, Seal came back for a brief appearance at the very end of this Christmassy issue. He's still surly, he's still vulgar, and he's brought a bunch of bad jokes with him. Don't ever change, Seal!
26/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #186
"I like Britain very much."
It's another Ask Miyamoto! We learn a little about the man's
multi-player sensibilities, the cancellation of Jungle Empire Leo, and most
importantly,
MIYAMOTO LIKES BRITAIN WAHEEEYYY
28/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #187
"FREE POSTER"
Donkey Kong at his most gormless. Clearly that's the image of him you want put up on your wall.
31/December/2013
ONM Remembered - #188
"I am pleased that games - whether they come in plastic cases or not - help prevent children getting into scrapes outside on the streets."
Some odd letters today. The Great Deku Tree appearing in Universal Studios, a woman with an agenda against plastic packaging, and some joker who wants to get into the game mag industry. I wonder if he made it? (and if so, where is he now?)
The Dream Games aren't bad, and they actually have some chance of being produced (I'd be surprised if Escape's concepts hadn't already been used)... but, well, where's the fun in that?
02/January/2014
ONM Remembered - #189
"Imagine if Saddam had one of those? Game Over, USA. BZZZACCCK!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 148 (January 2005)
A rather excitable review for Metal Slug Advance, which acknowledges the unfortunate omissions from the arcade games, but doesn't make a mess in its diaper over it. Which is a bit more sophisticated than my initial response to the game, let's be frank.
I've warmed up a little to Metal Slug Advance, especially when acknowledging what a tough task it is to produce a Metal Slug game on Game Boy. It hasn't the graphical or processing power to throw the chaos of the arcade games at you, but it doesn't quite need to make the serious alterations the Neo Geo Pocket games opted for. It's unique, but it's still missing something to make it click. Still, it could've been worse!
04/January/2014
ONM Remembered - #190
"Looks like Wario's gonna have a head-to-head with a penguin."
The July 1997 issue of ONM featured a review of Mario Kart 64. The review isn't much to write home about (it's an Official Nintendo Magazine review of an official Nintendo game. What do you expect?), but the splash artwork is always a sight to see, if just because it seems like forever since Nintendo churned out lots of great action scenes like this. And outside of magazines like this, where else would you come across this piece of art? It's commendable and a damned shame, the time and effort put into pieces like this that are so easily lost to time. It's a minor note behind the crummy writing and laughing at Spice Games, but I like to use ONM Remembered to spotlight and preserve pieces like this.
ONM Remembered will be taking another break, but it'll be back in a couple of months time for the final wave of content. Until then, have a pleasant new year, and stay safe on those roads, y'hear?