06/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #436
"The whole thing looks so fantastic that you can almost touch the dirt, smell the exhaust fumes and feel every bump."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 95 (August 2000)
A review of Excitebike 64, one of those franchise revivals I never
expected to happen so late in the N64's life; despite being reviewed in 2000, it
took another ten months for the game to arrive on our store shelves! Perhaps
that's why I never heard much talk about it.
It always stuck out like a sore thumb among Nintendo's other franchise titles;
where they were brightly-coloured and exotic-looking, this sure was... brown.
The column for "the tracks" looks less like a highlight reel and more like a
spot-the-difference. That said, it sounds like the most positively received of
Left Field Production's bike sims ("The biggest challenge
found in
this uninspiring BMX game is actually enjoying it."), so maybe
it's worth a gander?
08/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #437
"Cartman's my fave character 'cos he's fat."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 78 (March 1999)
(big ups to
oldgamemags.com for the scans!)
Now that's a contest prize if ever there was one! For all the hassle of phoning up a no-doubt-expensive hotline, you win yourself a free lunch. Sure, I'd play a crappy South Park game in exchange for free pancakes. Lemme at 'em!
10/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #438
"Don't get Kirby too close to the edge or he'll fall to his doom. Move the GBA!"
Yet another segment from ONM's lengthy hyped-up GameCube preview, this time
attempting to demonstrate the exciting possibilities of your Game Boy
interacting with a big boy console, hopefully in more ways than just exchanging
Pokémon! Like exchanging Chao! Visiting a secret island where you can
uncover rare and exotic fruit and furniture! And... a game that would never see
release!
(aren't we overdue a redo of Koro Koro Kirby, especially
now that the Wii U has all that tech built-in?)
There's something inherently endearing about the idea of cross-communication between consoles and handhelds, but the disparity in power and sheer inconvenience of connecting them kinda sank it, I thought - that and I can't remember any examples that felt like a worthwhile use of my time. It's actually frustrating that most hardware nowadays has built-in wireless communication - even your bloody refridgerator! - and yet we don't see this sort of thing anymore? The closest we have are "companion apps" that the best response I can give them is, "oh, isn't that cute? BUT IT'S WRONG"
13/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #439
"So put down your copy of NOM, boot up your computer and get yourself access to the hottest Nintendo news on the internet."
Ahh, the GameCube era of Nintendo's official UK website. Nintendo's sites has been through a real gamut of changes over the past couple of decades, beginning as the "Nintendo Power Source" and remaining that way right up until the end of the N64, and even featuring unique websites for F-Zero X and Ocarina of Time. Not just regular old promotional fluff, but stupid mini-games and bonuses and all sorts. I've talked about this before! I was actually about to investigate what the other revisions of the UK site looked like...
... and this is how they repay my interest. HOW DARE THEY!
(at least the american site's old versions are still
accessible, that's where all the good stuff is)
(you see that? you could won yourself a compliment nintendo.co.uk, if you hadn't
pulled a stunt like that)
15/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #440
"TEAM 17'S SEVERE CASE OF WORMS"
I'm pretty sure I mentioned ONM's website during the late 90s era, but this time they're highlighting a brand stonking new page for the GameCube age!
... well, what more can I say? It's a video game news site during the early 2000s. It's, like, the antithesis of write-up material. I do commend it for its furious attempt to make a pun in every headline. "TAKE A WOOKIEE AT THESE NEW STAR WARS GALAXIES SCREENS!" Bless them.
17/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #441
"Try again? Oh, Aero Gauge, you are a wag."
Yet another charmingly negative review from N64 Magazine. I haven't played the game myself, and it doesn't look bad, though I can't say I've heard anything positive about it from anyone else either.
They do raise an interesting point, though: better racing games had already graced the console by this point (or were mere months away). Surely publishers and developers keep up with industry news to know if it's worth bothering or not? It would be defeatist to say "our racing game's no match for Extreme G!", but you'd like to think these guys have an eye on what's coming out when and what the library is like in each region. Mind you, the time it takes to manufacture all the cartridges, or even just secure publishing rights and pass through cert probably leaves no time to start asking around, "you don't suppose we're making a shitty game?"
20/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #442
"The sultry Spice Whales line-up for your pleasure."
I'd spoken before about Seal, I'd spoken before about his on-and-off girlfriend Geri Haliwhale, and I'd spoken about the sheer volume of fanart and mail dedicated to this bozo... but I just realised I'd never highlighted the bizarre fish-themed Spice Girls parodies people would keep sending in. So here's three such examples from the same issue.
I know, my day was doing just fine until now too.
22/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #443
"hmm... perhaps I can impress her by telling her about the super savings available from the Tottenham Court Road Computer Exchange!"
24/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #444
"HAVE A VERY MERRY CRISTMAS"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 148 (January 2005)
To tide readers over 'til Twilight Princess' (very delayed) release, ONM propose a number of titles starring their merry staff. It's an idea ripped clean off of N64 Magazine's "What if..." features - why, it's almost like the two mags had Tim Weaver on space-filling duties or something!
27/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #445
"With realistic spinouts, skid turns and radio communication with the pit, F1 puts you right in the driving seat."
Another of those ads that seemed to endlessly crop up in every single magazine, no matter how bored you got of it. To its credit, your gaze isn't drawn towards a man's stretched-out gob but instead a neat looking logo with some teeny tiny gameplay footage underneath. And when you read the sales pitch, hey, it actually sounds slightly tempting! I think you finally sold me, UbiSoft! Sorry it only took eighteen years!
29/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #446
"If this doesn't get a star letter I will personally wreck your house with a large wrecking ball."
Because finding the time to laugh at desperate readers seeking free merchandise was just what you did when you ran a magazine, apparently. Come on lads, either try harder to write a star letter, or try harder to write a bad letter! (bonus points to Kris for sending his bribe to the wrong magazine, though)
31/December/2016
ONM Remembered - #447
"A cracking shooter."
Shinji Mikami's Capcom Five was an ambitious project, a series of five games
all under one man's directorial control and developed exclusively for
the GameCube for GameCube and PS2 (gotta recoup those
costs!!). Capcom were putting out some real gangbuster titles in the
early 2000s, and Resident Evil 4 and Viewtiful Joe were certainly
among them. The rest... well, they were imaginative, you can give them that much
credit. I can't imagine we'd ever see a project like this in future - it's an
anomaly for any video game company to develop five titles at once nowadays,
never mind them all under one man's creative control.
03/January/2017
ONM Remembered - #448
"'Where's the D-Pad?' we hear your cry. It's sneakily concealed behind the centre panel, hidden by the tasteful Williams F1 logo."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 123 (December 2002)
Seeing such elaborate gimmick controllers were still being made in
the new millennium continues to astound me. Video game steering wheels are
always big pieces of kit, but was anyone asking for one with a dozen different
face buttons, bumpers, triggers, gear sticks and a secretly stowed-away
D-Pad? If nothing else, I'd be keen to see if it's possible to play Mega Man
X using it.
Frankly, it disappoints me that there was probably no game that made the
absolute best out of the steering wheel's functions. As impractical as it was, I
almost wish more games took a leaf out of the original Steel Battallion
and made games built solely for enormous, complicated (and expensive!)
custom-made controllers. The age of Guitar Hero filling cupboards with
giant peripherals didn't nearly extend far enough for my liking.
05/January/2017
ONM Remembered - #449
"The game is mission-based, with objectives handed out at the start of each stage. These range from finding the secret entrance of a hideout to running away from a gang of deranged terrorists, girly-style."
As much as I whinge about the deluge of crap on Nintendo's handhelds, there's always something special about discovering all the crap I missed on it. Like, who knew the GBA had so many original first-person-shooters, all made in the vein of Doom and Duke Nukem 3D? And who knew the American Idol tie-in game was a laugh riot? The Game Boy Advance is a blessing that keeps on giving.
07/January/2017
ONM Remembered - #450
"Card games with a Poké twist!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 114 (March 2002)
Who remembers the Pokémon Mini, eh?
...
Thought as much.
Besides the thrill of owning yet more Pokémon merchandise to milk our wallets dry, I never really saw the excitement behind these. I think even as a young'un, I knew when something was little more than a quick distraction. Why shell out £45 for a Pokémon Mini and game when I could get a proper Pokémon instalment on Game Boy for less that cost and octuple the content?
Of course, now I can see the excitement of a handheld cheap enough to not bring a frown to a parent's face, and games that could probably be bought with a few weeks' allowance. If the main games weren't enough to satiate you, this must've been a great extra to a Poké-crazy kid. Not to mention it's neat that there was even a Pokémon-centric handheld to begin with. Imagine if other franchises got the same treatment! A handheld Legend of Zelda where you could buy new adventure packs in separate cartridges would be a real treat, if fanmade projects hadn't conquered that avenue already.
10/January/2017
ONM Remembered - #451
"You'd have to be a wooden puppet with strings not to love this!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 113 (February 2002)
Thunderbirds is one of those great British staples that's much loved over here, but probably doesn't pass muster overseas. On one hand, it's a bunch of handsome lads in uniform driving giant ships and rescuing people with the help of super sleuth lady friend and a butler who sometimes gets possessed by his baldie evil twin! But on the other hand, it's all told through the use of bobble-headed, stiff-limbed puppets. I've been raised on this stuff since I was in babby-pants so the very thought of acknowledging how off-putting it may be is totally foreign to me. It's CHARMING, and don't let me hear you describe it any other way!
It's just a pity that the video game adaptations have all been a bit crummy. Despite the organisation being called International Rescue, practically all of the games feature the gang doing nothing but violently blasting baddies out of the sky. Helicopters, pterodactyls, malevolent oil silos: all out for the blood of the Tracy brothers, apparently! It's nice of them to realise a whole game about rescuing dopey sods might get tiresome, show accuracy be damned, but the fact the soundtrack to this game is nothing but gunfire and the wail of falling bombs is more than a little off-putting, don't you think?
12/January/2017
ONM Remembered - #452
"Aww, stop choking on those teeth, you're putting me off my game!"
14/January/2017
ONM Remembered - #453
"Galleon has a very unique and original look with some fantastically detailed scenery."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 121 (October 2002)
Toby Gard's had a been of a kooky career, hasn't he? He's the man
behind Lara Croft and was involved in the first Tomb Raider, then bogged
off to work on Galleon for seven years, a game which nobody ever talks
about. Probably because it only ever came out on the original Xbox... and maybe
because there wasn't a polygonal derriere at the centre of the screen at all
times.
Looking at footage on YouTube, it genuinely looks like an expansion of the
original Tomb Raider with the jaggy edges rounded off. Some definite
innovations on the formula, but it's still clearly built off the structure of
the game from 1996, which suits me just fine. I still need to try out the old
Tomb Raiders sometime, and knowing there's a spiritual successor just
waiting to be played if I ever dig out my Xbox is something to look forward to!
(pity it wasn't on GameCube though, i've never met an
original-Xbox disc drive that wasn't a temperamental piece of shit)
But what did Toby do after Galleon? The development team behind that kind of immediately dissolved and Toby went back to writing stories for Tomb Raider, which I can't say I've heard anyone ever praise or discuss. Then he directed Ninja Gaiden spin-off Yaiba, which got shit from hardcore action game fans for being a lousy action game. And somewhere in there he made a webcomic that's been left on a gory cliffhanger for... four years now?
The man's still in the nebulous realm of game design, but it's
rather refreshing to hear of him just bouncing around and seemingly doing
whatever he wants, y'know? Some 'stars' in the video game field almost face a
pressure to live up to their past successes, and any time they resurface is like
a lead-up to disappointment, like Paul Cuisset and the ill-received remake of
Flashback.
Toby has his immortal legacy of being called the man who made Lara Croft, and
for disapproving of Core Design's over-sexualised treatment of the character.
You could argue it's a bit unfortunate no one ever actually talks about his
actual involvement in game design anymore, but hey, it means he's set for life!
The only way he could tarnish that reputation would be if he announced he wasn't
upset at Core for over-sexualising Lara - he was disgusted they didn't
over-sexualise her enough, and introducing a new Lara with proportions so
obscene it'd make your head spin. But I can't imagine he'll drop that bombshell
on us anytime soon.
Anyway, Galleon! Looks fun.
Pity no one talks about it.
Wish I had more to say about it and less conducting bizarre
what-if scenarios about Toby Gard's heel turn.