1/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #81
"SEEK AND YE WON'T FIND"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 58 (July 1997)
Fake button codes! Don't you just love 'em? There's something almost innocent
about the era of completely bogus cheats, because, honestly, who knew what
lurked inside a game's memory? Who's to say there wasn't an extra hidden
island hidden beyond the top of Super Mario World's map screen? What
proof is there that the Battletoads aren't in Super Smash Bros.? I
mean, maybe those kids were right about their uncles working at Nintendo.
Nowadays, there are so many hacking tools and people capable of using them that
any claim can be debunked fairly quickly. Hacking credentials or not, I'm pretty freakin'
sure Bugs Bunny isn't in Mario Kart 64.
(prove me wrong, folks!)
And being Seal's Sea-Mail, you should know what to expect: more plotting against the allegedly-nefarious Simon Clays, and Seal requesting people to draw pictures of anthropomorphic fish in miniskirts.
3/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #82
"I wonder how many Luigi fans are out there?"
from N64 Magazine issue 10 (December 1997)
Wahey! Remember when everyone was excited about and desperately pouncing upon any news relating to the mythical Super Mario 64 2? And then after the 64DD went belly-up we didn't hear a thing about it? And then what we got was a game where you mucked about with a water spray? Those were good times, man.
I talked on my site long ago about how much I like 'template games', and like the idea of just taking the same concept and perfecting it. Even just treating it like an expansion pack, or whatever. I'd link to some of those waffles, but man oh man, were they badly written. Not that this is any better. Seven and a half years and the only thing I've got to show for it is a potty mouth.
One could argue it would probably have tarnished the good Mario
name (before the countless sports spin-offs did the job just
fine), but I would've loved a sequel that was basically Super Mario 64
all over again, but with new features and content they didn't (or couldn't)
incorporate the first time around. Did you know the game was originally meant to
include over 30 levels, and Yoshi was intended to be rode and not just serve as
a teasing cameo? Look it up!
One of the 64DD's major aspects was its expansion capability, to use or add to a
game's assets and whip up brand new content. Ocarina of Time was
announced with two expansion packs in the works. Wouldn't it have been great
if, 64DD or not, they found an opportunity to make Super Mario 64 the way
they originally planed? Y'know, instead of porting it to the DS, making the
controls terrible and removing the co-operative multi-player?
I'm not bitter.
Sadly, it seems it's only recently that Nintendo are happy to rehash their shit, only this time they're pumping out New Super Mario Bros. sequels by the dozen. It's funny how something that filled me with so much whimsy the first time around makes me bitterly depressed now. Oh, the life cycle of a fanboy.
On the bright side, they did eventually capitalise on the sheer amount of leftover guff when they made Super Mario Galaxy and made a sequel out of it, so that was mighty swell of them. Funnily enough, one forum I went to had someone complain the wait between Super Mario Galaxy 1 and 2 was too long. Buddy, they spoilt us by making us wait a mere three years!
5/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #83
"palm tree abrasion"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 63 (December 1997)
It's not exactly an ideal ad pairing - a video game that's clean as
all get-out, and an ad that's nothing but gross-out jokes. That said, it's an ad
that's always stuck in my head, and not just because I was really damn excited
for the game. I couldn't get enough of those kart racers!
It's a superbly eye catching image, everything from the text to the colour
contrast to the simple imagery. When a game advertises itself with such words as
"monkey brains" and "pteradactyl droppings", you can't help but pay attention.
7/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #84
"FIFA 64 was pants."
from N64 Pro issue 4 (February 1998)
OI
COACH
BOOT THAT FOOTIE OVER HERE
WATCH ME CATCH IT IN ME GOB
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T FIT IT IN ME MOUTH
SHUT YOUR BAKE SON
YOU'RE A FOOTIE COACH NOT A BLOODY MOUTH-OLOGIST
KICK IT OVER HERE BEFORE I SWALLOW YOUR
GODDAMNED HOUSE
And that's when Scorpion and Mad Dog come in.
ONM Remembered will resume its ordinary schedule on April 9th, and will run every week on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.
9/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #85
"A tough team for a tough job"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 138 (February 2004)
The idea is amusing, giving everyone rough-and-tumble nicknames that sound they came straight out of a Guy Ritchie film. Pity the game it's promoting is a crock, though. Mind you, I think the only way they could've salvaged it is if they gave everyone hard-boiled mobster accents. Sonic would be Danny Dyer, Tails would be Bob Hoskins, and the cheapest Marlon Brando impersonator money can buy could serve as Metal Sonic.
11/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #86
"Cheesiest Photograph of the Month"
from N64 Magazine issue 10 (December 1997)
This is priceless. In-store promotions like this seem like such an artefact of
the 90s! Sure, the big ol' games industry showboat sessions have people in
elaborate costumes alongside impressive statues... but there's something much
more charming about it taking place in your regular retail shoppe.
I sincerely hope this was an actual in-store experience, complete with a Russian
with poor AI trying to shoot him, only to get capped. "I guess he wasn't at
the top of his game."
Because, darn it, if that didn't happen, then I'll have to do it. You have been
warned.
13/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #87
"Imagine this - one day you're happily practising your samurai techniques when up pops a bloke out of nowhere, telling you that the world you live in has been completely changed! Obviously this is likely to worry you a bit."
from Nintendo Pro issue 33 (2000)
Nintendo Pro is not exactly a mag you pick up for the reviews. Its previews aren't worth checking out either. Nor are its cheats, its exclusive features, its letters pages... but if you like giant artwork, page-filling screenshots and lots of speech bubbles, they've got you covered!
I've heard plenty of crap being thrown in Daikatana's
direction for all manner of reasons, from the outdated tech to the torturous
development cycle to full page ads of John Romero inviting people to munch on
his cock... but what about the game itself?
Well, this review does little to enlighten me. There's, what, four paragraphs of
text, and then a quick summary from the two "reviewers"? Not exactly
informative. Besides, I don't know if I'd trust the opinion of a man who looks
like he's swallowed a sombrero.
16/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #88
"You can't lose with these titles, but you will lose to ME, SUCKA!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 91 (April 2000)
I love the dire attempt to try and string all these games together.
They can't just admit the games were too crap to try and give their own page
spreads, and simply stating "here's some rubbish from Midway!" would be too
defeatist. Quick! What do you do in each game? PRETEND THERE'S CONTINUITY.
"Lost his marbles, then destroyed the world" would make a great
epitaph, though.
18/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #89
"i love this stuff!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 61 (October 1997)
I always liked this ad, even if I did have the strangest belief that the hoop is made out of Cheese Strings.
20/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #90
"The winner can choose to receive either 20 bananas each week for 52 weeks or 1000 € in cash."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 132 (September 2003)
If it were really a jungle out there you wouldn't be
riding on the bus like a chump; you'd be riding a RHINO. Or a
GIANT WEB-SHOOTING SPIDER. Or an ANTI-GRAVITY BOBSLEIGH.
(and if it were really a jungle out there, you wouldn't find bananas
floating willy-nilly inside of buses - they'd be suspended above pits, by giant
wasps or near other inviting death traps. Is this ad trying to disappoint
me?!)
The image is kind of deflated by trying to remind people "HEY IT'S A DONKEY KONG
GAME" by shoving him in the bottom right corner. It clearly doesn't intend him
to be part of the main image, but I can't help but interpret him as some sort of
micro-sized bus fare collector. You just know punks would settle down when DK's
around, otherwise he'd go kongo bongo banana slamma on their asses.
I'd love to know more about that Big Banana Competition. I really hope someone
chose the bananas. The winner would become rich all right - RICH IN
POTASSIUM!
(shoot me)
23/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #91
"Cheap and cheerful."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 69 (June 1998)
I can't help it, I just love these pages stuffed with images of old gamepads! It's my equivalent of cute dog calendars - they're all so adorable, but you know you can't have them all!
I'm really smitten with that LX4 Controller. I've no idea how comfortable it'd
be to hold with those totey li'l stubs, but gosh darn it if it hasn't got the
cutest little shape there is. I'm almost sure we had a Superpad 64 at one point,
and the thing felt like a bootleg action figure - for all the size of it, it
weighed virtually nothing, and it got busted in no time at all. Which is
strange, because the Sharkpad Pro 64, basically the exact same controller with
translucent plastic, was a half-decent pad until the Z Button caved in.
I can't help but laugh at the description for the Arcade Shark. Amazing for beat
'em ups? What beat 'em ups??
25/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #92
"TUNE IN AND TURN ON TO..."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 61 (October 1997)
A magazine with its own supplementary website? Why, what a quaint idea!
Unfortunately, it hasn't survived too well on the Internet Archive - most pages
show up as load errors. If you browse the
file
directory you might find some neat stuff, though.
27/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #93
"The sun has got its hat on..."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 89 (February 2000)
There isn't a lick of gameplay footage to be seen, but this is easily one of my favourite ads in the magazine's history.
30/April/2013
ONM Remembered - #94
"GAMES DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 92 (May 2000)
They struck gold with the
Squall cosplayer.
There's no way they can ever manage to top it. You've contributed your one shot
at brilliance to the world, fellas - don't undermine it now.
(who the heck is this bozo meant to be, anyway? I want to say someone from
Mortal Kombat, but that's my go-to answer for any instance of crummy
character design)
02/May/2013
ONM Remembered - #95
"We don't know how you stand on horse-based violence, but we can't get enough of it. Man creeps up, horse boots him in the face, man dies. Repeat. Now we're having fun."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 148 (January 2005)
A review of King Arthur, which you may recall being mentioned when ONM showed readers the invaluable art of returning Christmas presents for something you actually want. Movie license games rarely invite themselves to a legit analysis of their quality and merit, but it's a funny review.