30/April/2016
ONM Remembered - #345
"Enthusiastic voting by Andrea earned Tamagotchi World its chart position, proving once and for all that democracy is a dangerous tool."
from N64 Magazine issue 13 (March 1998)
A year after the console's release, the staff of N64 Magazine got together to decide once and for all (until next year) what the top twenty games for the system were. Some of the choices and positions are a wee bit questionable (Yoshi's Story is ranked above Mischief Makers?!), but for a console's first year it's not a bad little selection. It's got a hearty variety of genres, with racing games, sports, games, first-person shooters, 2D and 3D platformers and... miscellaneous! It's a fun and entertaining read, not just for the reviews but the amusing journey towards making their decision. And the various attempts to ditch the Aero Gauge cart.
Today also marks the 20th anniversary of the Nintendo 64's release in Japan! For all the griping and gurning I've done about the console over the past four years, I inevitably have to make that pathetic turnaround where I say I like it, really! The jump from 16-bit to fully-fledged 3D graphics was an exciting time for video games, and Nintendo entered it with a heap of gusto and grand ambitions. Their big franchises made the leap in exciting new ways, and even missteps like the 64DD and Yoshi's Story at least showed innovative ideas that you could argue were ahead of their time (though you could also argue what joker thought this was a satisfying follow-up to Yoshi's Island, come on). It also unfortunately marked Nintendo's fall from its monopoly on the market, its ill regard amongst third-party developers and its reputation as a console for babies... but yo Star Fox 64 was pretty rad, right??? Totally makes up for all the mistakes, surely.
Happy birthday, N64! Don't drink and drive!
(only after this got published did i realise April 30 2002 was actually the date it got discontinued in Japan. it wouldn't be Random Hoo Haas without glaring fact-checking faults. whoopsy doopsy!)
03/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #346
"Poo is huge in Japan."
>
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 64 (January 1998)
We caught a glimpse of these way back in
ONM Remembered
#129, showcasing the Top 5 Japanese Sweets. Issue 64 cast on a spotlight on
a variety of tat from Japan alongside its Space World 97 coverage, and gosh darn
if it wasn't more exciting than the games!
Before cynical internet articles made laughing at foreign commodities an easy
paycheck, this was a real treat - look at all the weird stuff we're missing out
on! Video game soundtracks on CD! Bean bags and keychains of familiar
characters! A fixation on rectums and faeces! (it's like
Doggie Doo all
over again!) Never mind that such trinkets would quickly be forgotten or taken
for granted - what use do you really have for an origami Eevee? - but seeing
something on a page always makes me hunger for it.
05/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #347
"This magazine is not endorsed, sponsored or otherwise authorised by Nintendo"
from 64 Magazine volume 7 (1997)
If you can tell me a better way of garnering excitement for an upcoming game than having a GIANT MONKEY FACE plastered across a magazine cover, I'd like to hear it.
07/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #348
"I reckon it's a type of South American dance involving fruit."
from N64 Magazine issue 11 (January 1998)
10/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #349
"✓ Bangin' Tunes ✓ Sounds warped ✓ Riffs made"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 114 (March 2002)
You've read my
wishy-washy
verdict, but what do ONM's reviewers think of Pocket Music? From the
looks of it, they give it a respectable rating. A solid little tool held back
only by the hardware's lousy sound quality and low volume.
I was actually hoping to unearth a whole subculture of sweet jams from this game
on YouTube... but I've since learnt that this only saw release in Europe, so no
such luck. On the bright side, it turns out this is actually just a crappy
version of Music: Music Creation for PlayStation, which saw two sequels
under the name of MTV Music Generator. It may not be portable, but now I
have to explore that and see if there exists underground musicians making their
livelihood off of 32-bit hardware. Those chumps with their Game Boys modded for
chiptune can't stay the top dogs forever!
12/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #350
""THE DEMONS HAVE RETURNED - STRONGER AND MORE VICIOUS THAN BEFORE."
14/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #351
"This month I'm gonna show you a scene from Turok. The game's a bit scary for little me, and I always close my eyes when those nasty dinos appear. Ooops, dead again. Giggle."
I can only assume this "Official Nintendo 64 Playlist" was an early attempt at what would later become Total Test? If so, boy, am I glad it underwent the transformation. This page is a visual mess, and I'm almost led to believe there's a ton of content I'm missing out on because my eyes glaze over at the sight of it... but no, not really. Teeny tiny text, nigh-illegible screenshots, no comprehensible order to the games, and an absolutely bonkers star rating. I can only assume the star rating is a re-assessment akin to Total 64's Reviews Round-Up, but where that magazine gave adequate wordage to how the game's value has decreased, this seems to only demonstrate how botched the percentage scoring system is.
Also: Wizpig is ranked the #1 Bad-Ass Boss? Are you serious? The son of a bitch strands himself on the moon because he threw a strop. Nobody else on the list ridiculed themselves by being sore losers. Not at the time of writing, at least.
17/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #352
"In fact, getting in the way of other pedestrians is the fastest growing national sport, with points deducted for looking behind you."
Max Everingham vents about Japanese foot traffic, and proposes a walking simulator (before it was trendy) to help combat the problem. It's so well thought-out he might as well have submitted it to the mag's letters pages, he could've won himself a Rumble Pak.
19/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #353
"NUKE: Pretty self-explanatory, ain't it?"
from Acclaim's Turok 2: Seeds of Evil Official Strategy Guide (by Jeff Gomez and Evan Skolnick)
21/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #354
"Soon you'll be the proud owner of the ultimate Pockemon picture collection."
Some crazy early footage of Pokémon Snap, back when it was proposed to
be a 64DD title. It might only have had one environment in two shockingly
different colours, but it's neat to see even back then most of the iconic
encounters made the final game relatively unscathed.
(insert "you'd think a sequel would've been a good idea in the
seventeen years since its release especially since it's a more inventive use for
the wii u gamepad than fingering mario stages for hidden coins but shit what do
i know" rant here)
24/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #355
"Presumably - if this is anything to go by - the Japanese game is played with a beach ball."
from N64 Magazine issue 10 (Christmas 1997)
Would I be called a fake gamer nerd if I confessed I finally found a mild
appreciation for sports? I was asked to keep score of a football game for a
friend while he used the bathroom, and seeing the tug of war between players,
the war of attrition over maintaining the ball, the roar of the crowd over
last-minute saves and swerves... I could finally see what all the fuss was
about! There wasn't a single goal scored in forty minutes, mind you, but it was
a tense and close match. I won't call myself a fan just yet, but it held my
interest without the need for power armour or flamethrowers, though having an
enthusiastic live audience does help a great deal.
That said, man alive, the sport's been around for a hundred odd years and you'd
think they'd scale the pitches down a tad. Some blockhead would kick the ball to
the other side of the pitch and the poor lads are probably thinking, "oh, now I
have to run all the way over there now". Take a cue from ice hockey and
set those goals mere inches from each other, why doncha.
I also highlighted this because I absolutely adore those tiny, blocky little character models. Pity they weren't in a better game, from the sounds of it!
26/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #356
"BEST BIT: There'd be random power-ups which appear on the basketball court."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 62 (November 1997)
(big ups to
oldgamemags.com for the scans!)
It took them nearly a decade, but Mario and company did eventually get to dunk a few hoops, first as cameos in NBA Street V3 before getting a title of their own on DS. They did not look as nightmarish as in this image edit, unfortunately, though I'd kill to see it happen.
28/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #357
"Ah, Paul! Come again to show off your Pot Noodle? We can also eat, but we prefer fresh, nourishing food!"
N64 Magazine would usually review a game twice - once for its initial foreign release in Japan or America, and then another go-around once it reached English shores, expounding upon the translation and conversion to PAL format. They probably didn't need to be full-page affairs, and the numerous tirades on the shittiness of PAL's reduced framerates could possibly have been reduced to an asterisk ('PREVIOUSLY IN N64: Tim blew his top over Wave Race's big fat borders in issue 6.'), but it's a noteworthy act and another feather in the cap of N64 Magazine's attention to detail.
31/May/2016
ONM Remembered - #358
"EAT IT, MOUSE"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 121 (October 2002)
Panned as it was, I always expressed a curiosity in Disney's Magical
Mirror Starring Mickey Mouse, if just because of how out of the ordinary it
was. It was expressively designed to be a children's game with a capital C. It
didn't aim to accomplish that by baby-ifying a plain ol' platformer, but by
making something far simpler and allegedly more immediately interactive; a game
less about commanding Mickey to jump across platforms and more telling him to
look in a cupboard so you can drop an iron on his head.
Combined with other oddball early releases like Animal Crossing and
Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure, it helped secure an image that the
GameCube offered more than just rowdy-howdy action games, but more slower-paced,
leisurely games for folks of all ages who just wanted an easygoing time. The
fact that almost all of those titles stunk and bombed hard probably quashed
that, though.
It was a nice attempt, but it seems like the kind of game you'd get the same experience from watching on YouTube as you would playing it. Frankly, I'm disappointed that it was developed by Capcom, squandering the opportunity to revisit old classics like Goof Troop or Rescue Rangers on new hardware. The N64 and GameCube were already great platforms for party games, and having four players screwing each other over in either of those would've been a blast! Don't tell me this is another dynamite idea I'm going to have to do myself???
02/June/2016
ONM Remembered - #359
"NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT A LITTLE BROTHER TO KILL!"
Charlie Brooker's bargain-shilling, face-stabbing misanthropic gamer returns! The column once again breaks rank from Nintendo magazines for the sole purpose of sharing these with the world. Thanks so much to Rage Quitter 87 for sacrificing his time to scan this in - and there's more to come!
04/June/2016
ONM Remembered - #360
"Uncensored comment and opinion from Nintendoids like you"
from Official Nintendo Magazine 137 (February 2004)