30/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #294
"Be careful! When you see our shots of Zelda and Pokémon, it's very possible your brain will be singed and your bowels will fail you."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 97 (October 2000)
(page 88 is omitted, as it was featured in
ONM Remembered #36)
Do I even need to mention that ONM were more than a little elated at the GameCube's reveal? It was a very excitable magazine, for goodness sake.
This preview shows off designs and features that were altered before the product's final release... and some that made it through but were subsequently ignored. Did anyone ever use those Broadband and LAN adaptors? The fact that Mario Kart: Double Dash!! supports up to 8 linked consoles (!!) still freakin' boggles me, man. Why do you think no one ever talks about it?
I admit I'm still bummed that Super Mario 128 was never more
than a tech demo. What kind of bananas crap could you get up to while
controlling ten dozen Marios all at once?!
(i was about to suggest New Super Mario Bros. 128 could be
a laugh but i guess that's what
Enough Plumbers
is for)
02/July/2015
ONM Remembered - #295
"WOW! Geodude is really Rocking the stadium tonight!"
ONM's Pokémon section would sometimes bust out a theme, encouraging readers
to send in fanart and comics of a specific Pokémon. This week's theme: the ever-lovin'
rock-armed thing, Geodude!
... man, it's not until you really look at the art do you realise what a freak
Geodude is. I would not like to see a rock with a tongue. Eyeugh.
I cropped out the bottom of the page because this week's Pokenut was someone's brother dressed up like Ash, even down to the ridiculous anime haircut. I didn't wish to be facilitating embarrassing blackmail, so I left it out. That being said, you know what issue to look for!
04/July/2015
ONM Remembered - #296
"A truly awe inspiring song."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 113 (February 2002)
There are some issues of ONM I need to really trawl through to find
anything worth commenting on.
And then there are some I see and after I stop laughing I immediately think,
that's going in. It must be preserved.
Thank you, Bruce.
07/July/2015
ONM Remembered - #297
"The Wii Remote is so good it can even cook your dinner (well, not quite)."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 07 (September 2006)
First of all, my apologies for the exceptionally blurry scans. When ONM got bought out in 2006 they not only reset their issue numbering, they now made their magazines larger than A4, and thus too big for my scanner bed. The fiends!
A preview for the then-upcoming Nintendo Wii (mere months before
its Christmas release!), with three of ONM's top staff sampling the tech demos
at Nintendo HQ.
The console is nearly ten years old now, and it's tough to say what I even
thought of the Wii then or now! Were motion controls worth getting excited
about? Wii Sports is a fun bit of fluff, but aside from that I'm
struggling to think of a game with motion controls that, if it didn't exist, I
couldn't live without. All the games I played on it were basically the same as
the old ones I played... just with waggly bits jammed in. I don't know if that
speaks badly about myself or the game design, mind you!
Also, what is this? Classy page design?! Sensible-looking reviewers!? I don't buy ONM for schlubs who look like their opinions are reasonable - I buy it for people who pulled silly faces and became stuck that way! Take this back and don't return until these guys could rival Jim Carrey. I'll be waiting.
09/July/2015
ONM Remembered - #298
"POWER EXTREME!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 58 (July 1997)
My very first issue of ONM!
Did I even have a Nintendo 64 by the time I picked this up? I
don't know what rock I'd been living under, but seeing this was the very first
time I'd even seen a video game magazine. Seeing Mario on the cover of a
magazine - on an actual magazine rack!! - just blew me away, and ended up making
me unreasonably excited for Mario Kart 64. So much so that I think I
ended up guilting my dear old gran into giving me the money to buy it. Oh, the
shenanigans one can get up to when your age is still in single-digits.
It might be the nostalgia speaking but it's a pretty solid issue, featuring a
beefy Space Silicon Valley preview that I've highlighted before, and the
end of a multi-issue history of Mario feature that I have yet to get decent
scans of. My copy's gotten a little ratty over the years, I'm afraid!
It's one day off, but this marks the third year anniversary of ONM Remembered. I'm holding off on the exclamation marks because it's basically a celebration of me ignoring the rest of the site for all that time... and I don't need to remind myself how overdue an update to the Puchi Carat shrine is, among other things! Sometime, buddy, sometime!
11/July/2015
ONM Remembered - #299
"Just be warned because the area's castle is not for the fainted hearted!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 114 (March 2002)
I've got lots of fond memories of this overworld! The Super
Mario World manual might as well have been a comic book to me when I was
young; it was a treasure trove of colourful art and neat little descriptions
that had me totally mesmerised.
I always wanted a plastic playset of the entirety of Dinosaur Island... and at
this point, I'm surprised some bananas fan hasn't gone ahead and made that
themselves. I mean, what other purpose is there for 3D printing? Prosthetics?!
Pffft!
14/July/2015
ONM Remembered - #300
"We get beneath Samus Aran's Varia Suit to reveal Smash Bros.' sauciest fighter - Zero Suit Samus!"
It's a strange notion to know that even print media was following the Smash
Bros. Dojo updates leading up to Brawl's release. Besides offering that
info to folks without internet, what merit is there to slapping it on a page?
As simple as it was, the Dojo was a really neat way of hyping up the game during
its long development, and something I really missed during Smash Bros. 4's
production. The cinematic video trailers were admittedly pretty freakin' hype,
but the wait in between was pretty unsatisfying - if you weren't resorting to
leaks and rumours, all you had was a drip-feed of info in drawn-out Nintendo
Direct videos, or a really, really, really sparse-looking website
to glance over. I suppose the drought of updates did spare Nintendo's servers,
at the very least - bandwidth costs money, baby!
16/July/2015
ONM Remembered - #301
"New characters include Rabid Rabbit, the Disco Zombies, and Fatty Roswell, the owner of a chain of alien burger restaurants in the Happiness world."
from N64 Magazine issue 17 (July 1998)
I think at this point I'm just scanning every damn preview of this game I can find. What can I say? It had a weird development cycle!
The content is much the same as the last preview, though with one new screen (of Jim interacting with a giant tube) and lots of nifty info nuggets. Apparently the game was planned to feature 6 worlds instead of 4 (we missed out on Aggression and Heroism), and mini-games would play a larger part: "surfing, flying, throwing, and bowling". It gives the impression that pigboarding was to be used in more ways than just outstandingly lousy boss battles - perhaps we would have fought Psycrow and company in more inventive ways? Given how the game got delayed a year and a lot of these features got dropped, it doesn't speak fondly of the developer. Shit happens, I guess.
18/July/2015
ONM Remembered - #302
"We tell it like it is!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 69 (June 1998)
(page 52 is omitted, as it was featured in
ONM Remembered #91)
Ah, Total Test. ONM's index of every single game released for the
N64 in Europe (if not, it sure felt that way!), complete with a summarised
review, score, as well as whatever bits and bobs they could throw in: memory
card reviews, controller reviews, top 5 lists, recommendations, stupid jokes...
It's pretty dorky, but this was one of my favourite features of the mag. Sure,
the content remained the same for darn near every issue, but it was always
exciting to scour it in hopes of new games gracing its pages! And, well, I don't
think I need to repeat my love for looking at dumb old controllers. Why hasn't
anyone made a Gamepads Of The '90s pin-up calendar yet? Is this another
project I'm going to have to take on myself?!
Sadly, they only ever did this for the N64. They offered a very
limited version of it for the Game Boy Color when it was big, but it was never a
consistent feature. In the GameCube era they chose to only spotlight the
twenty-odd "worthwhile" games, which did allow for chunkier reviews...
... but what's the point? Knowing the list was so comprehensive was part of the
appeal! Even if you didn't care what the review said, it was always interesting
to see that these game simply existed. How else would anyone have heard
of Charlie's Blast Works? It only got a 68%, but the name alone has me
intrigued!
This week is Total Test Week, wherein I spam the game
indexes from various Nintendo magazines of the time, because spacing them out
otherwise would be torture. And it's neat seeing all the varying styles of
graphic design, right? RIGHT?
(that excuse has worked for me once before and i'll abuse it at
every chance i can get)
19/July/2015
ONM Remembered - Total Test Week, day 1
"A classic Eighties shooter returns but hold on a minute... weren't Eighties games rank?"
from Nintendo Pro issue 33 (2000)
Thanks to Nintendo Pro's love of characters, this isn't just a typical review index: this is a review safari, where the resident warden Parkie guides you on a tour through the treacherous genre jungles.
It's... a cute idea, I suppose, though the execution leaves plenty to be desired. Flipping through six consecutive pages of perfect white grids and the same fuzzy Banjo-Kazooie backdrop grows quite tiresome - and that's before it messes with my head by not organising the games alphabetically. Kudos for breaking the mould, but couldn't they have given the genres identifiable icons or something?
20/July/2015
ONM Remembered - Total Test Week, day 2
"There aren't many lookers in Nintendo 64 games, but these lovely ladies are sure to get yer pulse racin'..."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 85 (October 1999)
The last iteration of ONM's Total Test I showcased was used from 1998. With such a small library, it had the space to break its reviews into the game's premise, its selling point, its single and multi-player modes, and the overall consensus. But by 1999, the page count had shrank and the library had expanded, meaning each game got maybe two sentences, tops. Unless it scored over 90% in which case they'd break the rules a little, because that's how the world works.
It's still a great feature that I loved to check out, though. And if
abbreviated game reviews weren't your thing, then it had little sidebars
included that might whet your whistle! Including spotlights on memorable bosses,
exciting game moments, and... "Famous Five Nintendo babes." I can't tell if it's
meant to be sarcastic or not, but... welp.
(we all know Mrs. Boggy would fill all five slots anyway)
21/July/2015
ONM Remembered - Total Test Week, day 3
"Absolutely pathetic attempt at a racing game, redeemed only by... well, nothing, actually. It's utter rubbish."
from 64 Magazine volume 9 (1998)
It's time to show off 64 Magazine's Nindex, which... isn't much to look at, to be honest. It's scary to think that the N64 had only enough games to fill two pages of the magazine, even with brief reviews! If I had to describe the Nindex in one word, I'd say "to-the-point" (hyphens are allowed, right?). No fluff, no fuss - just the reviews, ma'am.
22/July/2015
ONM Remembered - Total Test Week, day 4
"This is an accurate conversion of an extremely limited beat'em-up. How much more life can be squeezed out of the dinosaur that is 2D beat'em-ups?"
from N64 Pro issue 4 (February 1998)
N64 Pro's take on the game list/review index isn't much to write home about. It's competent enough, but not mind-blowing. Rather uniquely, they include the review scores from competing magazines for each game... though not their actual opinions, rendering it a little pointless. Nice thought, though. Gotta put that budget somewhere, even if it does mean buying issues from the competition.
23/July/2015
ONM Remembered - Total Test Week, day 5
"Order the tap on computer, wait a couple more weeks, and then cancel the order when it still doesn't turn up expecting to be able to get one at B&Q instead. You won't, earning extra points."
from N64 Magazine issue 9 (December 1997)
Being so early in the magazine's life, N64 Magazine has only four pages to summarise 41 games, but the space is used well. The summarised reviews still carry their point across without getting lost in their brevity, and they make room to mention their import reviews, tips and pointers for each game, and even contact details and website addresses for every developer on the N64! Heck, they even point to a few fansites of note, including the Mario Kart 64 Explorer's Club, which is a real blast from the past.
24/July/2015
ONM Remembered - Total Test Week, day 6
"Even if PC-style flight sims get your knickers in a twist this is still a stinker."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 122 (November 2002)
Come the GameCube era, ONM's Total Test was upgraded into the TNT (Total Nintendo Title) Buyer's Guide. It's not a bad little feature and still informs you of what's good and what's not, but the lack of a comprehensive list is a real shame. The magazine hadn't the room or time to cover every single release by this point, but come on, I'd have been way more excited for the GameCube if I not only saw the good games, but knew what hot trash I was missing out on. Can you believe there were three Mary-Kate and Ashley games for it? What a novelty!
25/July/2015
ONM Remembered - Total Test Week, day 7
"I was quite looking forward to playing around with a young Japanese girl, when I heard that I could save my plane fare by getting a hold of Wonder Project 2."
from Total 64 volume 1 issue 12
It's a pity that Total 64's Reviews Round-Up is such an eyesore, because it's probably the best summarised reviews among the magazines. They're not even abbreviations, per se, but more like second opinions - ratings are adjusted to account for the passage of time and arrival of fresh competition, which is a commendable inclusion. Early FPS efforts like Duke Nukem 64 and Turok were fine in their day, but in the wake of Goldeneye they don't even compare, and have their scores bumped down accordingly.
It's an approach to scoring that I respect and would love to see more of; something that doesn't feel like an arbitrary number just for that game, but an overall rating across the entire console's library. When you're looking up old games to buy, sometimes you'd like an after-the-fact opinion: was this game genuinely good, worthy of its 8 out of 10 score, or was that only because there was nothing better at the time? Mind you, I imagine that'd be difficult to upkeep, not just because keeping that ethos on point would be tough, but because there's only so many pages available in a magazine!
And with that, we've burned through yet another theme week! On Tuesday the column resumes its usual content, and I have to start talking about more general subjects again. Phooey!