04/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #118
"The time has come to use magic, draw swords and swing morningstars..."
from official Nintendo Magazine issue 148 (January 2005)
I must not have the head for advertising, but I'm eternally
fascinated by how so many ads choose the strangest way possible angle to promote
something.
Like, Final Fantasy. There's a lot of angles you can play with! You can
get the anime fan vote by shanghai-ing some cosplayers and getting them under
some mood lighting. You could play to the fantasy aspect and have a steampunk
airship flying above an airport.
Or you can play up the portability by having a monk with a Game Boy for a head. Yeah. Sure, why not. I mean, what do I know?
06/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #119
"Alert! Alert! Dodgy crock of bottocks in the area."
from Official Nintendo Magazine 61 (October 1997)
What games have the ONM staff been playing this month? Half the
N64's library, from the looks of it!
You've got to admire some of those stunning single-sentence criticisms. Why is
Killer Instinct good? Because it's Killer Instinct! Why is it bad?
Because it's Killer Instinct! And apparently the only gripe they have
with Pilotwings is the distinct lack of blood and guts. What, crashing a
man's body halfway through a cliff face isn't hardcore enough?
Speaking of XTREME MATURE GAMING, the ONM staff have
concocted a list of women they're currently pining over, apparently as a space
filling exercise. It's pretty classy, especially when a third of the girls are
either fictional, polygonal, or characters from soap operas.
For those who are curious, the Rumble Pak girl in David's list is referring to
Ryoko Hirosue, a Japanese idol who
advertised the Rumble
Pak at the time. Any time ONM had a chance to talk about Japan, advertising or
the state of their bed sheets, they'd find an excuse to reprint her magazine
ads, and misspell her name every time. What a charming legacy to leave behind.
09/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #120
"Let's hope it's not a Mega Man Kart game."
from Total 64 volume 1, issue 12 (unknown date)
Total 64 were right daft and didn't include the release date on any of their magazines, which is a mite frustrating. This one probably dates from late 1997, though.
So, what became of these Capcom titles? The Ghouls 'n' Ghosts game went through development hell before morphing into Maximo, which was later released on the PlayStation 2; the Mega Man game was eventually revealed to be a mere port of Mega Man Legends (I don't know if that was the intention all along, or if they had meant to make an N64-exclusive game before becoming lazy sods)... and the racing game, as far as I can tell, never materialised! I thought it was Mickey's Speedway USA, but I just looked it up and it turns out Rare made that. Capcom did make a Disney Tetris game, though. Because what the N64 absolutely needed was more Tetris games.
Amusingly, another magazine (N64 Magazine, I believe) around the same time reported this news, with a statement from Capcom claiming they had no interest in bringing their biggest franchises, Resident Evil or Street Fighter, to the N64 because they were hoping to present a more family-friendly image. Which is something Ninty could probably have done without. Resident Evil 2 did eventually make an appearance on N64, but I imagine by that point it wasn't enough to shift the tide.
And I guess that Frogger game never saw release either, huh? Disappointment of the decade, for sure.
11/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #121
"Play as the good guys and rescue the Princess, or play as Bowser to capture her."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 63 (December 1997)
I quite like the sounds of this one, even if it is dredged in the
stink of so many amateur "here's how I would reboot a kid-friendly franchise"
articles. Okay, Nintendo obviously wouldn't approve of Mario and company toting
huge fuck-off chain guns and blowing each other to pieces, but the core idea of
a Mario-themed capture-the-flag just tickles my fancy.
Think of it as a side-scrolling real-time strategy! Set up troop placements,
traps and blocks to keep the enemy out, then take control of a player character
to storm the other side. I can't think of any 2D platformers with
capture-the-flag modes off-hand, but given the pleasing simplicity of Mario
mechanics, it's got the potential to be a winning concept.
... where's my Rumble Pak, ONM?
13/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #122
"3... 2... 1... Nintendo Thunderbirds are go!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 63 (December 1997)
A rather sparse page from what I think was was a multi-page early preview...
but forget about that, I just want an excuse to talk about F-Zero!
For instance, isn't that a terrific splash image? I positively adore the comic
book art style of F-Zero X, and would love to get my paws on hi-res
copies of it. I love it when Japanese artists seek to the emulate that unique
high-contrast style that seems to universally scream "American comic book," but
I can't name any comic off-hand that actually uses it anymore. At least, one
that utilises it quite as beautifully.
Fun Fact! Did you know F-Zero X was outsold by an Evangelion Mahjong game? Friggin' A, man.
16/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #123
"Walkers, Tazos, Quavers and Monster Munch"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 104 (May 2001)
Check out the intense graphical design. Soak in all that empty
space!
Speaking of poor design, I was about to start asking the audience what the
heck a Taz is, but they're actually called Tazos, and just happen to have an
outstandingly awful logo. Seriously, look at this page. I could spend
at least five minutes picking this apart. Don't get me started on the white
space between Ash's face and hand. I've got enough to be angry about these days.
So, what the heck is a Tazo?
... I have no idea.
There's a Wikipedia article on them which basically sums them up as "like Pogs,
but a bit different." It claims you play a game to win Tazos from other plays,
but not a single source seems to state what on earth the game actually is, or
how it's played. Don't you love the information superhighway?
I wish I could say something with a bit more value, but what can I possibly say?
A packet of crisps once offered little cardboard buttons with Pokémon
imagery. It probably made sense at the time, but the hows, whats and whys will
forever remain a mystery.
18/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #124
"Ooh, I had the most awful nightmare last night. The EC banned Pot Noodles. It was something to do with the Social Chapter. I woke up shaking, and had to go down to the kitchen and have a Chicken and Mushroom one to calm down."
from N64 Magazine issue 7 (October 1997)
More N64 Magazine reviewer round-up silliness. This month's topic - FEAR!
20/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #125
""POT" and "POT NOODLE" are registered trade marks of Knorr Naehrmittel Ag"
"I tell you one thing - I've been to a parallel universe; I've seen time running
backwards; I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins; but I
never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle!"
I've never actually had Pot Noodles myself, but the utterly reprehensible image they've acquired is something I can't help but admire.
23/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #126
"Embark on your quest with a fantastic Zelda Edition Limited Pack."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 148 (January 2005)
A rather neat looking ad, but if you excuse me being a big dumb
bore - don't you think changing the angle or perspective of this shot would add
to the implication?
A high shot peering down to emphasise that this epic battle between dudebro and
grasshopper is taking place in just one small patch of soil... or a low angle
looking up from behind the hero, emphasising the immensity of his everyday
surroundings? A little something to make it feel alive is all I'm askin'.
As it stands I can't look at the kid's dumb pose without thinking "HELP I'M
ON A BLUE SCREEN."
Mind you, it's still a pretty cool image, and the little details like the dirt on his jeans are nice, but I've just got to critique every ad I see. :{
25/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #127
"WELCOME TO PARADISE"
from N64 Magazine issue 23 (December 1998)
WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TAMPERED WITH THE
RADIOACTIVE GARLIC DIP
WHO KNEW IT POSSESSED SUCH BRILLIANT REPRODUCTIVE QUALITIES
RUN BILLY
SAVE YOURSELF
WARN THE POPULACE BEFORE IT BEGINS CLONING OBJECTS
MORE DANGEROUS THAN THESE DELICIOUS WALKERS CRISPS
And that's when
Daniel Radcliffe's giant disembodied head comes in.
27/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #128
"They'll be armed with the dark side of the Force. Fortunately, you've got a rotating thumb."
from N64 Magazine issue 9 (December 1997)
Justin Keeling presents a big ol' browse of advertising campaigns
for Nintendo products from all over the globe, and the various ways they tackle
it. It's an intriguing read, and it's especially interesting to get full insets
for how each region approaches advertising the N64 and its games. Phil Gerrard
of Leo Burnett advertising is interviewed, and talks about how to handle
marketing and demographics in the middle of a Ninty-Sega-Sony console war, the
difference between US and UK advertising, and the very different reputation
Nintendo have in both countries. And, of course, seeing snapshots of TV
commercials from abroad is pretty neat, too.
The main text itself does get a bit tiresome, if just because the entire thing
is an interview with an advertising executive, which requires a pair of
bullshit-cutting goggles to really get the most out of.
I will say this - it's incredibly disappointing to have ogled so much over that
3D Wario in the US Mario
Kart 64 advert... and now finally seeing it. Wow, is it unremarkable.
30/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #129
"5 TOP NINTENDO SWEETS"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 64 (January 1998)
This comes from ONM's coverage of Space World '97, highlighting some particularly kooky Japanese games, most of which never made it overseas, it seems. I really just scanned this for the feature on the side - Top 5 Nintendo Sweets! This issue ran several columns like this alongside the Space World coverage - "Top 5 Nintendo CDs", "Top 5 Japanese Toys", and so on. Back then, seeing anything from Japan was a genuine novelty.
You can probably tell I scanned this just for the Bomberman B-Daman sweet shooter. I've got a few B-Daman figurines kicking about, including two very similar to the one pictured (complete with translucent plastic), but I get the impression the boxed one is of a bigger scale. If I don't mind completely ruining the resell value (I think that became a lost cause when their faces began to peel off) I could cram a Malteser in one of them and give it a try. If I don't obliterate my oesophagus, that is. I'll keep you posted!
01/August/2013
ONM Remembered - #130
"Life's much too short for all this whining and complaining..."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 63 (December 1997)
More letters griping about the magazine's quality, more chaotic artwork, more death threats towards Claypots... it's just another day in the ONM mailbag!
I will say, some of the art is particularly good, and I'm quite taken with the Super Mario 64 piece. I really dig how game-accurate all the enemies are, for better or for worse, rendering them blocky and angular. I love it! Why is it always the great images that have no signature?
03/August/2013
ONM Remembered - #131
"MY GAME WOULD MAKE MILLIONS!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 58 (July 1997)
It's the wonkiest scan in the whole damn world, but it's worth a chuckle.
Doesn't reading some game ideas always sound so much more appealing
than what they'd actually be like? The open-ended entirety of space to explore
with heaps of missions, weapons and places - it's not what the guy's suggesting,
but it'd be like a really ungodly huge
Grand Theft Auto... in space!
Except one would hope it'd have some half-decent replay value after completing
all the missions. And that you could still idly explore without people gunning
you down en masse. And if it were GTA in space, it'd probably want to
make things "realistic" by having you fly through the entirety of goddamned
space. And you'd need to slog about eighteen hours into the game before
you'd get hyper speed, and that's only if you hijack a specific ship from a
specific place. Until then, you'd be stuck with dopey B-Wings that can't steer
worth shit, and there'd only be one spawn point for guns, and you probably
wouldn't have a jetpack, either.
I haven't had a healthy relationship with Grand Theft Auto, let's leave
it at that.
Also, jeez, can you believe they were charging people £8 to play a keyring-sized dinosaur-themed Space Invaders clone? They barely even look like dinosaurs, for goodness sake.
06/August/2013
ONM Remembered - #132
"Shadow of Oblivion"
from official Nintendo Magazine issue 97 (October 2000)
Either a poster or a full page advertisement for Turok 3. Nothing really to comment on, I'm just a sucker for all things Dinosaur Hunter related!