29/September/2015
ONM Remembered - #330
"STUFF 'EM! ...into your Game Boy Advance"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 113 (February 2002)
I always feel sorry for games like these, because obviously the publisher needed some way of making people aware of them, but it wasn't worth the cost of making an ad for each one... so they get lumped into generic guff like this. There isn't even themed text like that other one, either! Heck, it's not even Christmas! For crying out loud, they missed a perfectly opportunity for a stocking stuffer pun! C'mon lads, I'm not even being paid for this stuff.
01/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #331
"Oh, I don't know. It's Snowboard Kids, and it's got snow and boards and kids in it. Do your own caption."
from 64 Magazine volume 15 (1998)
Going back to review summaries to highlight 64 Magazine's Nindex again. and how its second rendition was a lot more presentable - it's amazing what a splash of colour and a bit of organising can make! It's colourful and easy to read, and more page space is dedicated to games with a rating about 80%. You could argue it would've been wise to separate the import games from the rest of the crowd (or at least differentiated them with an icon), though aside from that it's perfectly functional, if a bit plain.
03/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #332
"That's wicked, Chris! But we reckon Herr Jigglypuff is a funny little critter in any language!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 94 (July 2000)
Spice Games were a bit of a rarity at this point in the magazine's life (and probably under a less dated moniker), but this particular letters page is bursting at the seams with game ideas from excitable ten year olds! A Mario-themed locked-door murder mystery! A 3D Pokémon game! A James Bond first-person shooter on handhelds! A Star Fox adventure with voice chat!
I was going to talk about how everyone and their mum wished for a 3D Pokémon adventure back in the day... but I guess that's what we have now? I mean, it's got cute 3D overworlds, the scope is still as big as ever, and it's got an increasing emphasis on online communication and player interaction... which is about all we asked for back then, wasn't it? Huh. I guess it sounded more exciting when you expected it to be on a disc or a chunky cartridge.
Also the idea of a Mario murder mystery cracks me up, if just for the mental image of Wario assassinating Yoshi by dropping a Thwomp on him.
06/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #333
"IT'S A PLANT"
from N64 Magazine issue 7 (October 1997)
It wasn't an exciting time for news in the pages of N64 Magazine.
The crew could barely muster excitement for the sub-par showings at Tokyo Game
Show Autumn '97, which Nintendo didn't bother to appear at. The side-column held
such exciting reports as a new Tamagotchi game and the winner of a
Mario Kart 64 tournament.
But out of the mist came a shining star. Something that meant more than we could
comprehend.
It was Paul's Plant.
God bless you, Paul's Plant.
you're probably dead now :(
08/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #334
"Players will be able to get behind the wheel of various vehicles in the game, but I'm not going to tell you which ones."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 177 (June 2002)
A very, very brief preview of Batman: Dark Tomorrow, as well as a very, very brief interview its producer, Takafumi Yuki! It's mighty scant on details, though - so scant that I wonder why they didn't just include it in the core text. I mean, what do we learn? Kemco got an allegedly top-notch visual design crew, and Batman can punch. Sweet tips, bro.
10/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #335
"God only knows what the gathered tourists thought..."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 119 (August 2002)
Shortly before their spaghetti stunt, Nintendo were unleashing another strange marketing attempt - having people in Pikmin costumes alternately assist and menace pedestrians in Trafalgar Square. It sounds cute, though I can find no other record of the incident - it sure as heck didn't get the promotion that Ninty's record-breaking bowl of spaghetti amassed. And I can't say for sure, but I'm almost certain those Pikmin folk are former ONM editors - they only assaulted us with their faces for three straight years, there's no way I'd forget!
13/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #336
"Are you a real gamer?"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 121 (October 2002)
Self-absorbed and indignant to other living creatures? Sounds like a gamer all right!
15/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #337
"All that is left is to wish you luck and happy hunting!"
from 100% Unofficial Nintendo 64 Players' Guide To Zelda 64 (by Paragon
Publishing)
A cute map from an otherwise rudimentary guidebook to The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Nintendo probably had their own map drawn up to license out to official publications, but it's kinda neat seeing this amateur take on it, even if it does induce flashbacks of 90s-era image editing software.
17/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #338
"All the dinosaurs were trained actors, but we were chronically wasted. I mean, you can only take shouting 'Rooaaaarrr' and eating screaming people to a certain level."
from N64 Magazine issue 12 (February 1998)
Hyped over Yoshi's Story, N64 Magazine looks over Yoshi's career in video games: his debut, his unfortunate slump, and his eventual rise to stardom. Other digital dinosaurs who were not so lucky do receive honourable mentions, though.
20/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #339
"What Kind of Pokémon Are You?"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 116 (May 2002)
It almost seems rude to comment on this. I was not interested in
the Pokémon stage shows at the time, nor am I now, though I'm sure tons
of kids (and the performers, hopefully!) had a blast attending these. All I want
to say is...
Boy, does that look like somebody's terrible reaction image. Or a missing slide
from Nintendo's 2002 E3 conference.
22/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #340
"The time has come, choose your hedgehog leader wisely."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 117 (June 2002)
Oh for goodness sake. What did I just say?
24/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #341
"Oooh, there's a lady in the shower. Quick, pull the curtain back! Damn... it's a fat ghost and she's not happy to be spied on."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 116 (May 2002)
Walkthroughs! Game guides! Player's tips! Maps! Search engine
optimisation!
(i'm gonna regret saying that last one)
An "Official Tips" walkthrough to Luigi's Mansion, and for a guide
that crams the entire game into eight pages, it could be worse. I can't vouch
for how easy it is to follow, though - it took me longer than I care to admit to
figure out where you go after the Foyer, and I've completed the game before! I'm
sure it makes more sense when you've the game in front of you, though.
Y'know, when I scanned the Pikmin guide that long ago, I'd actually hoped to include more scans of walkthroughs and whatnot in this column, but there's shockingly few that are worthwhile! (i might just be a sucker for maps. if it's got something more than just screenshots it's usually a gimme)
27/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #342
"BMT needed more non-driving mini-games - like one where you have to spit at a target."
Surprise, it's another page of cranky customers just dying to whinge about their latest purchase! Now, I won't deny throwing a whack of money into a game that's grossly unsatisfying is... well, unsatisfying. Downright disappointing, even! Wario World was a waste of money and a waste of talent - there, I said it! But... save it for the forums, man. There's no point preserving it to paper unless you're getting paid for it.
29/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #343
"Sometimes we'll want to ask you about Nintendo Official Magazine."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 78 (March 1999)
(big ups to oldgamemags.com
for the scans!)
More terrifying/charming mascot costumes urging you to buy a
subscription! I admit the Mario one has grown me a bit since last time - there's
a slightly kooky Frank Sidebottom vibe about it, a friendly and unassuming feel
to it. The permanently agape mouth is a cute touch.
Sorry old Banjo is another story. The poor bloke looks like he's got dishwasher
tablets for teeth and rock-hard sponge cake for feet.
31/October/2015
ONM Remembered - #344
"One day we'll set up a proper little village and take pictures of it. Unless you write in threatening to kill us if you do."
uwaaaa~! These look adorable and like ten times cuter than
the actual game they come from! I want a dozen!
The newly-released Animal Crossing Amiibos also look pretty adorbs, though their
functionality isn't winning me over much.
If in twenty years the latest Animal Crossing game was a functioning
playset that looked exactly like this, but was actually a living little town
sitting on your desktop, I'd be hyped beyond belief for that. That's what I
want. Forget a pet, give me a little goat in slacks I can trade furniture with.
And that daft bit of hyperbole leads me to an absolute bananas
question: does Animal Crossing necessarily need you to control a
player character? Having only played the first one, I felt it struggled to
balance the "enjoy yourself and have a leisurely time" aspect with the
"everything in this village relies on you" part. Socialising with the villagers
and other players is a focus, but I probably lack the imagination to get
attached to the villagers, and interacting with other players for the longest
time sounded either convoluted (sure, I'll visit your village - I
only need to bring my memory card, play your copy of the game and work through a
dozen menus!) or outright dangerous to your save file, given the amount
of game-breaking griefing I heard occurring in the DS version.
Frankly, I just wanna watch the cute little town run its course. Maybe ask
me for some appleseeds or a toothpick once in a while. Basically like owning a
fish tank, except it'll trade you drillbits for tiny-sized gardening tools.
That's the game I want. :(
It's hard to believe nearly two years ago I said this would be the final wave of ONM Remembered content, but... there's still more to come! The column's on hiatus again, and it'll probably be some bottom-of-the-barrel stuff when we return. Please get excited!