26/May/2015
ONM Remembered - #279
"Did you know? Merseyside team Liverpool FC are the most successful club in Britain, although they are yet to win the Premiership."
This curious little feature began appearing after ONM's 2002 revamp: Q&A UK. Readers seeking support and game tips could write to the mag's top men for an answer, who would also have a bit of fun with the enquirer's location: quizzing their local game store on upcoming releases, and... offering historical geographic facts.
Bizarre page-filling aside, I guess the section just felt a little surplus to requirements to me. The revamp already established an Official Tips section, two pages for reader-submitted tips, and even an "SMS Tips Service" to have EXCLUSIVE TIPS messaged directly to your mobile phone! Was there simply not enough reader-submitted queries to fill two pages? Just the year before it felt like the magazine was swamped in hapless gamers seeking support.
28/May/2015
ONM Remembered - #280
"Go mental, go Mewtwo"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 97 (October 2000)
Oh, come on, we both know this guy is a complete rip-off of a far more imposing figure.
30/May/2015
ONM Remembered - #281
"Sounds like a lot of fun to us."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 113 (February 2002)
I admit after the N64 era my skills for detecting unreleased games
get a bit shaky, but it's always fun to browse these later magazines, find a
small news item or even a beefy review and ask, did this even come out or not?
I didn't even need to confirm when I saw this. I mean, for fuck's sake. A
Flintstones racing game-- scratch that, a Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas
racing game (of all things!!!!!) did not come out
on GameCube. Nobody would ever release such a thing on any platform. No way, no
how.
... well, I was half-right. It didn't come out on GameCube, but it
did come out on the PlayStation 2, though... in Europe only! And it...
looks... woeful!
(it also looks a heck of a lot different than the game pictured
here, but that's an investigation i want no part of, buddy)
02/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #282
"Exchange electronic mail messages with other SmartComTM users"
A common sight in the mags of the 90s - check out all these sick devices for your handheld of choice! Want to have fifty million save files for Final Fantasy Legend? Want to play Revenge of the Gator on the big screen? Want to find the phone number of the nearest Chinese restaurant using only four buttons and a d-pad? Well, have CodeJunkies got just the thing for you!
I've talked long and hard about my stupid infatuation with big dumb devices
for the Game Boy, but I'll also say I'm glad to see them gone. You can't keep
relying on third-party bozos forever to excuse your lack of a backlight, Ninty!
And the very notion of buying a £25 cartridge just to have e-mail, a calculator
and an alarm on the go seems... well, very 90s, doesn't it? In its defence, the
original Game Boy probably had a strong enough battery life that it could serve
as an alarm clock. My PSP can barely survive my Friday commute.
I wonder if any two people ever exchanged messages using the
SmartCom. Outside of the CodeJunkies offices, that is.
04/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #283
"Thanks. It was lovely."
from N64 Magazine issue 14 (April 1998)
Some surprisingly sane answers and letters this time... for the most part.
06/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #284
"The game looks very much like The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, except all the interesting stuff's been taken out and replaced by ants."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 07 (September 2006)
The review begins by saying it's this issue's token rubbish game
review. What can I possibly add to that?
The screenshots do look quite pretty and evoke The Legend of Zelda: The
Minish Cap a tad, but it's disappointing to see such visual talent put into
a game for The freakin' Ant Bully. In fact, giving the game a
two-page spread only gives me more time to pore over it and wonder if there's
any merit to be found in it. Sure, the review straight up says it isn't worth
your time, but saying that after two pages of tempting screenshots feels a
little counter-intuitive.
I've asked it before and I'll ask it again: does this movie have fans? Is there anyone who thinks on The Ant Bully and goes, yeah, that was a really terrific use of my time and the people who made it? I forgot I even watched the movie five years ago. Apparently I said it wasn't even that bad! But every time I hear that title I just go, for fuck's sake, could they not have thought of anything better? The Bug-Sized Bully? Call it anything, so long as it isn't The Ant Bully, for the mercy's sake!
Lastly: very convincing drop-shadow, lads.
09/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #285
"I think I'd make a very fine owl. Twit-twoo, twit-twoo."
from N64 Magazine issue 14 (April 1998)
Also guest-starring one of my hairs. Sorry, James.
11/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #286
"That 16 year old you were expecting could easily turn out to be a 45 year old pervert."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 113 (February 2002)
It's to be expected that magazines can't get prizes to give out all by themselves, hence this issue's partnership with Electronics Boutique and the Home Office to offer some sweet swag. They provide the prizes, ONM gives them room to shill their services.
It's... just a little upsetting that the first two things your eyes are drawn to on this page are "win a free GBA!" and "watch out for paedophiles." It's sound advice, especially nowadays when social media is darn near inescapable and pushed upon even primary school kids (and when even the most innocuous of children's media can attract an unscrupulous community, to boot)... but, man, could they not have given the message its own page or something? I should be thrilled at the prospect of great prizes but instead I'm worried they'll mail a paedophile to my door.
13/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #287
"He was adopted by a power financial magnet."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 119 (August 2002)
On the subject of
unreleased games,
I took one look at this and thought "get the fuck out, there's no way this ever
came out. No way. Those are prerendered movie scenes, for god's sake. Stop lying
to us, Ubisoft."
... well, um, it did come out. On all three consoles, plus the PC for that
matter! The only catch is that it stayed in Europe and never saw an
international release, which is why I'd never heard of it. But, hey, now I do,
and you can watch all six
hours of gameplay on YouTube. Now that's something we can share!
And if you're a spelling nerd, don't worry, they got called out for that typo in
the next month's letters page.
16/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #288
"Try to remember that the baggage limit is something stupid like 25kg so you won't be able to take away any cute Japanese shop assistants in videogame outfits."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 07 (September 2006)
As neat as it is to see features on exclusive trinkets from Japan, it loses its luster when read in an age where most of these are instantly accessible via convenient online shopping. You can find most of these on eBay for somewhat reasonable prices - or bootlegs for even more reasonable prices!
The feature does have the courtesy to warn you that this stuff is either going to sit on a shelf or become uninteresting after a couple of years. Boy, I'll say! It's a little depressing to sink three-figure sums on a toy colleting hobby, forfeiting many offers to attend parties because I just had to snipe that one late-night auction... only to find myself forgetting about it the moment it's on my shelf. It was a great thrill while it lasted and I made a good few pals out of the shared hobby, but I just don't have the collector's mentality... though those little Animal Crossing figurines do look mighty tempting.
The feature also has the gall to say nobody will be impressed with your tiny, poorly-painted figurines of King of Fighters characters. Well, obviously your pals aren't cool enough to appreciate their splendour. Get better friends.
18/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #289
"TAKE THE FIGHT OUTSIDE"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 116 (May 2002)
"Pardon me, do you know when the train to Portsmouth is due?"
"Sorry mate, it won't be here for another hour."
"Oh, you gotta be Yoshin' me."
20/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #290
"New bumpers, a roof spoiler and sidetrims were added before they were doused in purple paint to create the authentic GameCube look."
Now this is a strange vanity project: how would you like a Citreon Saxo with
a GameCube wedged into every possible orifice? Sadly, it's not something you
could win for yourself, but was instead created to be part of a contest that
would be spotlighted in subsequent issue (and next week in this column!)
It's a pity it's only a two-seater; if it had all five seats and a LAN adaptor
you could probably squeeze enough people in for an 8-player game of Mario
Kart: Double Dash!! Now that I would love to see.
(failing that, cram enough Smash Bros. players into a
phonebooth. not to play Smash Bros. or anything, just for the hell of it)
23/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #291
"Strap yourself in for the most competitive, addictive, wide open racing action ever."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 58 (July 1997)
Only just now did I ponder to myself: is ONM Remembered the last remaining venue for complaining about video game ads in print media? I'm almost sure I recall stumbling across bunches of threads of that nature years ago in forums, but I wonder if I'm just deluding myself. Who talks about print media anymore?!
I think what I eventually wanted to say was: this is probably the
kind of ad gamers want. No strange live-action interpretation of the in-game
action. No allegories. No obtuse tucked-away allusions to what the freakin' game
is like. Just official renders slapped against a bright backdrop with big text;
you know these guys already, here's a tagline, why haven't you bought the game
already?
(admittedly this only works when it's one of the biggest gaming
franchises out there - Aero the Acrobat ain't gonna turn heads without some wow
factor, i'd bet)
25/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #292
"That's the puppy: the e-Reader. Uglier than a giant spider with a Vanessa Feltz head on it, but there you go."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 132 (September 2003)
The good thing about ONM after its post-millennium shake-up was it felt a bit more open to be critical towards products. Oh, sure, games could get a 52% back in the day, but the reviews were so brief and burped out in a minute that they had little time to say what they were really thinking. They sadly didn't say it about the e-Reader (you need two GBAs just to transfer e-card data to a game?! seriously!?!??!), but given the amount of dodgy tat released for the GBA (and not just the games!) somebody needed to call it out.
27/June/2015
ONM Remembered - #293
"After four days of breaking speed limits and watching awesome pile-ups, David remained the best boy racer."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 123 (December 2002)
As I mentioned last week, the GameCube car was not some bizarre
flaunting of ONM's, Ninty's and
Max Power's
money, but served as a contest (in association with Acclaim) where folks could
win a bag of swag, including the latest BurnOut game!
To be frank, I'm disappointed for two reasons.
Reason 1: The contest did not actually involve the car. Come on, lads, you do not cram a games console into a four-cylinder-16-valve mean machine just for people to look at its boot! Challenge people to clear five levels of Super Monkey Ball while driving over cobblestones at 40 miles per hour - something, anything! I want to say "now that'd be a challenge!" but more likely it'd be a lawsuit in the making.
Reason 2: Man alive, is this some boring reporting. What did we miss? What all happened at this event? Sure, a few thousand lads played some time trials, but the photos on the second page paint a very different story...
... such as this morbid totem pole carved from the corpses of Mario's friends
and foes...
... and this bizarre worshipping ritual to Vodafone (?), which apparently
involved pelvic thrusts and putting the Pilsbury Doughboy on a diet.
Like, kudos for the follow-up, ONM, but now I'm only left wondering what you're not telling us.