28/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #267
"It's the turn of the tiddlers now, but they can act tough down on the track."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 63 (December 1997)
An excerpt from a colourful review of Diddy Kong Racing, including artwork that I've never seen anywhere else. And probably for good reason: look what a freakin' porker Diddy is. Sucker needs to work on his posture or on that gut. He's letting everybody else down. Banjo looks like a regular Charles Atlus standing next to him.
30/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #268
"Thank you Hiroshi Yamauchi. You must come around for tea and biscuits some time and help me scrape bits of television off my bedroom wall."
I'm a little surprised no developer has made a quick-time event with real-life consequences. Dodge fast or else your Xbox will spit the disc right through your jugular.
02/May/2015
ONM Remembered - #269
"Thanks to: Viruses which leave only one person in the world, WCW fans, Adrian Weston, fair and frank discussion"
from N64 Pro issue 6 (April 1998)
I've highlighted the staff pages from two iterations of ONM before, and how its late-90s years were drop-dead keen on getting you acquainted with its writers and reviewers, and seeing how the other magazines do it feels so... empty. How am I supposed to connect with these reviewers if they're using bitty football screenshots to represent themselves? Come on, lads, step up your game.
It's time for another theme week: STAFF WEEK! Yes, I'm highlighting the bloody staff pages. They deserve a bit of recognition, alright?! Sure, I could do that by actually highlighting some of their decent writing or editing talents, but showing off their goofy mugs makes for a more amusing column in my book.
03/May/2015
ONM Remembered - Staff Week, day 1
"It isn't worth buying any other magazines!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 91 (April 2000), issue 92 (May 2000) and
issue 104 (May 2001)
In case you forgot, this is sort of image you'd be greeted with in
each new issue of ONM: a fish-eye lens photo of each and every member of staff
pulling some stupid face and trying to look swaggy. It's silly and childish but
gosh darn if it ain't charming as all heck. You're probably tired of me saying
it, but I thought it added a real chummy atmosphere to the magazine, y'know?
Arguably the effort could've been better spent on meatier reviews than just
seeing Tim Weaver's head splashed across a half-dozen pages, but in those days
it felt quite novel.
(admittedly i've some words to say about today's culture of
idolising games reviewers and personalities, but that's another argument entirely)
04/May/2015
ONM Remembered - Staff Week, day 2
"What lurks in the mind of the 64 Magazine crew?"
Much like N64 Pro, 64 Magazine chose not to photograph their employees in the
most unflattering manner possible, but instead employed some themed imagery each
month to represent them instead. It's quite cheap and, in this case, very bloody
boring, though it does make for an amusing flashback to desktop wallpapers of
the 1990s. I'm pretty sure I've got the same wallpaper as Nick Trent's on my
hard drive somewhere.
(coming soon, because nobody asked for it: TILED WALLPAPERS REMEMBERED!!)
05/May/2015
ONM Remembered - Staff Week, day 3
"New Year's High Resolution: sneak references to expensive clothing companies into the reviews in an attempt to get some freebies"
The N64 Pro lads share their new years resolutions. It's... not exactly an
amusing page. It's not that funny and it's not that personable either; we have
to look to the small print to learn these guys' surnames! And, honestly, how can
we identify with someone if their visual representation is some lousy clipart of
a cricket player?
The worst part? They probably had to put effort into gathering all those
images, including that dodgy crop of Victor Meldrew - this was half a year
before Google was a thing, never mind Google image search!
06/May/2015
ONM Remembered - Staff Week, day 4
"We caught Paul writing his Christmas list for Santa. It just said "1. A Pot Noodle", and that was it."
I've shown plenty of them already (and there's more to come!), but N64 Magazine quite gracefully included themed profiles on each of their reviewers underneath the explanation of their scoring system. It not only gives you a quick reminder on who these blokes are, but also fills up space on an otherwise mundane page, offering a bit of a laugh. And who could say no to that?
07/May/2015
ONM Remembered - Staff Week, day 5
"We're sure you'll agree that the mag's looking hotter than Buffy after an hour-long, leather-clad vampire-slaying mission!"
One thing Nintendo Pro didn't hide was that it was staffed entirely by grossly-proportioned photoshop monstrosities. A whopping twelve people made this magazine... and we learn absolutely nothing about them. No interesting bios, no job descriptions, just the abbreviation titles of their favourite Nintendo games.
This probably wouldn't be so bad if they didn't give reserve the Ritz-Carlton treatment for the Nintendo Pro Characters. Boasting nifty little vector art, a quick run-down of their schtick and more shilling than any of the real flesh and blood behind the mag's publication. It must suck a little to get snubbed in favour of a cartoon canine... though I'd be honoured to be on the same page as F'real Seal.
08/May/2015
ONM Remembered - Staff Week, day 6
"Being a simple lad, Jes got far too excited over his Beedrill foil. "It's real silver!" he cried. We kicked him in the face."
A new layout for the new millenium, but the N64 Magazine format remains much the same: in this case, the staff gets their kicks (and their shit kicked in) over the simple joys of shiny Pokémon stickers. Featuring some rarely seen input from Dark Mark Green and a special guest: Raichu!
09/May/2015
ONM Remembered - Staff Week, day 7
"What would 64 Magazine's illustrious staff look like rendered in manga form?"
Now this was a change - they actually got some original imagery for the staff
page! Of the very, very few issues of 64 Magazine in my collection, I'm pretty
sure this is the closest we ever got to seeing what the people behind it looked
like. That said, if cutesy anime-style artwork isn't even enough to make them
presentable, perhaps it's for the best their faces never darkened the pages.
(i'm kidding, i'm sure those folks were positively beautiful)
And that rounds up Staff Week! It's, uh, probably the lousiest subject of a theme week so far (there could be worse, I'll tell you that for free), but like everything on this dumb site, I just found it personally appealing in some way. I'd like to argue it served as a study in understanding graphic design and how different magazines approach creating a 'brand' for themselves and their staff... though it also helped burned through some backlog before the end of the quarter, so pick an answer! ONM Remembered will resume its usual schedule on Tuesday.
12/May/2015
ONM Remembered - #273
"Forget Wimbledon and the French Open. If you want tough competitions, Mario Tennis 64 has got the lot."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 97 (October 2000)
A positively jam-packed preview for Mario Tennis on Nintendo
64.
I was really, really excited for this game back before its
release, and this preview is to blame - it's funny how dotting clipart of Mario
characters around a page can really bring a sport like tennis to life! I had
absolutely no familiarity with the sport then, but these needlessly in-depth
pages really sold it, highlighting the gimmicks, the characters, and the variety
of ways one can hit a ball with a racket. Buddy, when you know Mario and Yoshi
are involved, even mundane stuff like that seems exciting.
14/May/2015
ONM Remembered - #274
"Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the beach."
The Summer season is coming! (at least, i'm assuming it is, i wouldn't be surprised if they moved it when i wasn't looking)
As such, Random Hoo Haas totally encourages folks to get a bit of sun if it's good for them, but also to stay safe out there. The ocean's dangerous enough, but even the beach can claim a few lives without anyone noticing. Keep your eyes peeled and carry a rocket launcher if you have to. Nothing's gonna stop you from having a good time!
16/May/2015
ONM Remembered - #275
"Needless to say this prize is extremely collectible and much sought after."
Come ONM's revamp in early 2002 every issue now boasted a double-page spread of prizes to be won; the sheer quantity of prizes to be won every year was mighty nifty, though the goodies rarely stoked my excitement. Win a GameCube with some outlandish pack-in game. Win some dodgy peripheral they tried to assure you was really good a few pages prior. Win a trip to Alton Towers - because boxes of Kelloggs Corn Flakes weren't offering enough opportunities to go for free, apparently?
Then I was pointed towards this particular contest page, wherein
you could win a copy of Super Mario Advance signed by SHIGERU
MIYAMOTO!! If that doesn't impress the socks off of everyone in a three-mile
radius, then it might be because one of them has a signed copy of Super Mario
Advance 2. And there's only one way to top that...!
(no, it's not the Sonic model made of fiber-optics. i'm pretty
sure you could make that yourself in any school shop class)
I'm actually surprised such a prize wasn't given more attention; any appearance
of Shigsy, be it an interview, an announcement or just him wearing a dapper
shirt would almost always get mentioned in the contents page... but this?
Zip! It's playing second fiddle to a selection of bland Joystick Junkies
t-shirts that are most certainly not one-of-a-kind collectibles. Wise up,
Ninty!
I could simply end this by asking "who knows where this prize is now?"... but
that'd be awful greedy of me, because I wouldn't even have known of this
giveaway had the winner not come forward and emailed me about it! Kelan
Headley of Northern Ireland had the honour of winning this prize, and was
kind enough to share some close-up photographs of it:
Kelan actually came to me looking to know what issue the contest took place in,
and with a little process of elimination (and buying every single
2002 issue of ONM), we eventually found the source. It was a fun little
adventure that also helped supply me with a month's worth of content to poke fun
at, so that's a happy side effect. I've said it enough already, but thanks a
bunch for mailing in, Kelan!
(i probably shouldn't have made fun of that fiber-optic sonic, maybe its winner would write in sometime)
19/May/2015
ONM Remembered - #276
"Pikachu never dies!"
from official Nintendo Magazine issue 95 (August 2000)
I was just prepared to make all kinds of cracks about the "Your friend for life" tagline and how Tamagotchis are practically a parade of cruel and unusual death... and then I read that bulletpoint in the bottom and my long list of jokes were squandered. SQUANDERED, I tell you!
I've met a few Pokémaniacs who would kill for the chance to have a real-life Pokémon to dote over, and I'm a little surprised that even all these years later, a Tamagotchi knockoff is the closest we've ever come. Well, that and the Doki Doki Poké Shinpan mini-game in X and Y, I suppose. Surely I'm not the only one who thinks a battery-operated Charmander that sets your kitchen on fire would be a real wing-dinger of a product, right? Get on it, AIBO! I don't care that it's twenty years after anyone would care!
21/May/2015
ONM Remembered - #277
"Can a gaming empire strike back?"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 07 (September 2006)
pffftt hahaha
not a chance
not without abandoning 80% of the pictured franchises, at least
:(
23/May/2015
ONM Remembered - #278
"We'd like to tell you what's going on in these shots, but frankly it's all too bizarre for us to deal with. At least, not until we've ingested some hard drugs."
from 64 Magazine volume 15 (18th June 1998)
More early previews for Earthworm Jim 3D. The game is looking a bit closer to the finished product, though it's still wildly different! None of these assets resemble anything I recall in the final release; I remember no shopping mall temple, no popcorn-wielding TV-cyclops, nor even pigboarding down a Mario 64-style slide. I can only imagine the engine was built by this point, but the crew were left to figure out what on earth to actually put into it.