28/May/2013
ONM Remembered - #102
"THE SPECULATION ENDS."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 122 (November 2002)
A splash page from a melancholy dedication to Rare, bidding a fond farewell on
the wake of their buyout by Microsoft.
What amuses me is that the Nintendo side are given a satisfactory chunk of the
page, while Rare's characters seem to be fighting just to make their faces
visible. Ninty gets four of their big stars, while Rare gets Banjo, Grunty, her
broomstick, and Joanna Dark's boobs. Yes, clearly this is the way the company
wished to
be remembered.
30/May/2013
ONM Remembered - #103
"Valentine's Day... send Princess Peach a card!"
Official Nintendo Magazine once offered a calendar for the year 2000. It... it's a calendar. There's really very little I can possibly say about it, try as I might. It featured two months per page, and thus could cram two calendars into one! On one side was Pokémon imagery, and on the other was the rest of Nintendo's go-to mascots.
About the only interesting thing I can say is that it has a rare hi-res look at the box art of Super Mario 64. I always thought it was a neat pic! Okay, the Mario is boring, but I always liked the little world behind it, complete with off-model Goomba and adorable-lookin' Pokey.
01/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #104
"A PSYCHEDELIC SURREALISTIC RUMBLE PAK JIGGERING CRAZY PATCHWORK QUILT OF AN ADVENTURE"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 68 (May 1998)
A cute 'n' simple ad with one hell of a tagline. crazy patchwork quilt of an adventure. To me, that generates some really unique imagery, like an epic journey taking place across an ornate tapestry. Wouldn't that be the bee's knees? Pity it's describing an entirely different game, though.
I wonder if the central text qualifies as spoilers. Eat fruit, lay eggs, complete the game in twenty minutes.
04/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #105
"Lesson number one: Always keep your eyes on the ball."
from N64 Magazine issue 23 (December 1998)
After attaching a photocopy of Michael Owen's head to its gelatinous shoulders, the ruffle texture monster ventures out to attract some sweet human flesh.
Of all the football pics, I want to know why this one looks so particularly wretched. Is it really a photo stuck on a low-poly model? I don't want to believe it, but I don't know how else they could make something so spectacularly "off".
I'll just leave this here. Tim Weaver certainly looks boyish.
06/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #106
"If this fella takes a fancy to you, there ain't a goddamn thing you or David Hasselhoff can do."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 88 (January 2000)
A two-page spread that is meant to advertise the Game Boy Color, but instead chooses to highlight that no matter where you go, your life is in grave peril from weird and wonderful threats. Judging by the "No. 6" in the top-left corner, I assume this was part in a series, but I only ever saw one other ad in this series... and despite appearing after this one, it claims to be No. 4 in the series. How odd.
08/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #107
"The weapons... no, the enemies... no, the bosses - argh! It's all cool!"
from 64 Magazine volume 10 (1998)
An interview with Iguana UK, the chaps behind Forsaken...
which you might recall having a promotional image that looked like somebody's
strange and
twisted harem anime. I saw that image and cracked up at it, and then it
seemed Forsaken was everywhere in these mags. Previews and reviews
out the wazoo!
One fascinating aspect of looking at old gaming magazines is the inexplicable
hype over games that would disappear from the radar upon release, and never be
given a second thought ever again. I figure if I got a laugh out of its awful
promotional art, I might as well archive something a little less embarrassing.
It's only fair!
That said, it's not exactly an invaluable resource of information we couldn't have lived without. It's four pages of questions and answers, and I still have no idea what the game actually plays like.
11/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #108
"She was bursting to tell her mates."
Jesus Christ.
This does not look like a colourful advertisement for a
gossip magazine. This looks like you've stumbled across somebody's folder of
bizarre wank material.
13/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #109
"A meat-eating animal (carnivorous) will attack your fleshiest anatomical part (arse)."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 91 (April 2000)
Another ad in the environmental hazards Game Boy Color campaign. It may have a nutter with a chainsaw and imply Mario is a paedophile, but I don't think anything can top the friendly squid or the toxic waste.
15/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #110
"More tips than anywhere else"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 69 (June 1998)
I'd only buy a subscription if that giant glassy-eyed Mario was the man responsible for delivering the mags to my door each month.
18/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #111
"PROTECTING THE PLANET FROM BOREDOM"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 86 (November 1999)
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WHEN WE HIRED THIS GAME BOY
WE THOUGHT IT'D BE OUT AND ABOUT STOPPING PEOPLES' BOREDOM
NOBODY TOLD ME IT'D BE SITTING IN A BOX ALL FRIGGIN' DAY
I'M WRITING TO MY MP
20/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #112
"This definitely isn't Nintendo's new machine."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 91 (April 2000)
I've usually a good memory of all the games featured in the Nintendo mags that either never saw release or only in a totally modified format - Jest, Kirby's Air Ride, Buggy Boogie, Robotech - I know 'em all, man! But Saffire does not ring any bells at all. Probably because this was the one time it showed up, while most other games seemed to crop up again and again just to taunt you with the fact they existed, but only in the buried hard drives of inaccessible corporate vaults. Sigh.
It may be a preview for a game from over ten years ago with no attempt at resembling gameplay, but it looks pretty nifty to me. Unseen 64 claims it eventually mutated into Barbarian... which looks nothing like this, and also looks a bit shit. That's a crying shame. It would've been nice to have a Tomb Raider style adventure to kick off the GameCube.
Also, whoops, Disney's Dinosaur never came to GameCube either! It did come to Game Boy Color, though, so you can rest easy. For all the hype they attempted with that five minute trailer (whose bright idea was that?), I haven't heard a single opinion about the movie. No "it's the worst thing ever" or "surprisingly decent" or even "purely mediocre" - I haven't heard a single opinion on it! That's quite possibly the worst fate any media could befall. Poor Disney.
Hey, tilt controls! Remember when that was a thing? No, actually, because I don't think any of the tilt-enabled Game Boy games even arrived here in Europe (good save, Mercury-based products!). I suppose you could theorise this was the beginnings of the Wii Remote in development, but I wouldn't want to be talking out of my own ass. I do too much of that as it is!
Also: "imagine controlling Mario by just moving the controller
in any direction you like!"
I can imagine! It'd be a really fucking insufferable!
22/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #113
"Cripes. We appear to have become chromatically divided, rather like Yoshi."
from N64 Magazine issue 12 (February 1998)
The page before N64 Magazine's reviews section would always be
dedicated to what games to look forward to, a quick rundown of how their scoring
system worked, and most importantly, casting the spotlight on all of their
current reviewers.
They liked to have a bit of fun with it.
25/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #114
"Nintendo Official Magazine and Nintendo of Europe cannot accept any responsibility for lose of damage while entering this competition."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 122 (November 2002)
Now that's a contest. Forget answering stupid
Zelda trivia or kissing Nintendo's ass in fifteen words or less - pop a 'tash
on yer mug and try and look as hilarious as possible! In fact, I believe this
should be the new form of curriculum vitae - nobody cares about your academical
accomplishments. How funny do you look in this ZZ Top beard?
Sadly, I don't think I have the issue where the winners were announced, so I can
only imagine how gut-busting their entries must have been. Somebody better have
popped boat-sized lip warmers on Mount Rushmore or I'll be very disappointed.
27/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #115
"It's... they always win!"
from Total 64 volume 1, issue 12 (unknown date)
Total 64 was one of those unremarkable mags that did the job
delivering news, reviews and previews, but hadn't any other redeeming qualities
to make it worth your while grabbing the next ish. Because of that, I've no idea
if The Adventures of Nick Tendo was an in-house comic riffing off a new
game every month, or a one-off ad made just for Fighter's Destiny.
There's no author, legalese or anything else to suggest one or the other.
Either way, it hasn't a patch on Here's Toby.
29/June/2013
ONM Remembered - #116
"It's okay Santa! I've got him covered!"
from Computer & Video Games issue...?
Speak of the devil - look who it is! Here's Toby, looking more sloppily drawn than usual! This run-in with Father Christmas comes from an issue of Computer & Video Games, presumably long before his stint on 64 Magazine. I have top dog Rage Quitter 87 to thank for kindly scanning this for me. Cheers, champ! If anyone out there has any more entries of Here's Toby, do send them in if you can.
(also yes i know this has even less to do with Nintendo magazines than my usual guff, just pretend the column is called ONM And Occasionally Really Old And Violent Charlie Brookah Comic Strips Remembered)
02/July/2013
ONM Remembered - #117
"THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 64 (January 1998)
How about that E3, eh? Boy, wasn't it exciting! All those games!
All the new tech! All the...
... look, I'll level with you, I didn't pay a lick of notice to it. I didn't
even know it was still on! Didn't E3
die a few years ago? This is the level of quality you've come to expect on
Random Hoo Haas, folks - remaining oblivious to things far longer than any man
probably should be.
My blithering ignorance aside, cast your mind back sixteen years
and witness the wonder and excitement of... Space World '97!
Look at all this fascinating, game-changing technology! We've got the 64DD,
boasting fat disc drives that's bound to plump up game content by
tenfold! There's the Game Boy Camera and Transfer Pak, that'll surely be
compatible with more than six games! And - check this out - voice activated
gaming!! Imagine all the uses you could get out of that! It's like the
future is now or some shit!
In its defence, the Game Boy Camera was awesome. Arguably all these unveilings had the potential to be decent had they gotten the support they needed, but ONM's knack for mega-hyped journalism kind of means any result, no matter how good, never seems to live up to their obscenely excitable expectations.
Also, someone give that Chansey a sandwich.