24/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #252
"We're building a machine with only one purpose - to play video games!"
Ah, the Ninty consoles of the year 2000. The Nintendo 64, the Game Boy Color,
the... Dolphin? And what the heck is that?!
SOMEBODY CALL SECURITY
I always feel console mock-ups are just like novels in how they paint a picture of the author. Okay, they don't reveal quite as much on a psychological level, but they do show what they think is a cool look for consumer hardware - and whoever conceived this must really have loved flattened SEGA Saturns with cute little leggies. I couldn't tell you what the Game Boy Advance is supposed to look like, though. A Game Gear wrapped in a condom?
26/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #253
"For years he has tried to protect it from Gruntilda's evil magic, but it's about to come under attack."
A beautiful splash image for Banjo-Kazooie. I keep griping about how
we never see big images like this anywhere, and I wonder if the reason why is
because it gives page designers less work to do. Why bother making a big image
when you can keep some amateur designers occupied for a few hours by letting
them play around with individual assets? And unless you dump it in a strategy
guide, where else is a glamorous image like this going to see use?
Still going to mope about it, though. Gotta mope about something.
28/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #254
"If you've got a better idea, get scribbling."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 86 (November 1999)
Y'know, this one actually almost works. It's just in that "almost believable" slice of the uncanny valley that I'm pretty sure this guy's an unlockable fighter in some obscure 32-bit beat-em-up.
31/March/2015
ONM Remembered - #255
"✓ Awesome titles ✓ Ace value ✓ Games you gotta own"
From an otherwise unremarkable bargain-hunting feature comes this image of Mario done up like Guy Fawkes. Thanks for the unsettling imagery, at least.
02/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #256
"Wil will play as anyone who looks slightly like a Streetfighter character. It takes him ages to choose, sigh."
from N64 Magazine issue 13 (March 1998)
More biting sarcasm is deployed to answer the leftover letters in N64 Magazine.
04/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #257
"Believe it or not this is a steering wheel for your GBA."
Dude, a steering wheel for a freakin' handheld. How bananas is that?! I was going to joke that I'm surprised the Nintendo DS never had a steering wheel, given how it used the GBA slot to host all sorts of crazy contraptions... but then I looked it up and the 3DS had a steering wheel attachment to tie in with Mario Kart 7. It's not quite the same when the console's got built-in gyroscope functionality already, but I guess it counts.
The GameCube era was a funny time for third-party peripherals for me; there
was a whole heap of controllers and memory card and cables you could find, and
they worked... all right. They weren't awful, they weren't stupendous,
they were just fine. They didn't drastically re-invent the shape
of the controller or seek to modify its quirks... they just offered rather basic
third-party controllers. If you were lucky you got some turbo toggles on them.
That was okay.
I guess it's disappointing when you remember the totally gonzo crap that was
made for the N64 - twin-pronged controllers, stubby chubby li'l gamepads,
bizarre one-handed wands wrapped in sticks and buttons. Given the console's
comparatively small library, it probably didn't justify that much weirdness. All
I ask for in a GameCube controller is something with normally-proportioned
buttons! Not even Hori's Game Boy Player pad could manage that!
07/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #258
"Crush the head to activate the character's speech."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 95 (August 2000)
This isn't just a preview for THQ's WWF No Mercy - it's got posters!
It's got wrestler spotlights! It's got merchandise shilling! It's got an ad
for the Wacky Races video game!!!
(is it just me, or was there a period where every developer was
dead-set on making racing games based off old-as-balls cartoons? ... okay,
Wacky Races and the Looney Tunes Space Race are the only ones that
pop to mind, but still. weird era, huh?)
I'll admit wrestling has been a mystery to me for the longest time - I've
played two wrestling games in my entire life and both of them were
nigh-incomprehensible, and I just never got into it when I was young. Why would
I watch big dudes tussling when I could be watching ReBoot? I admit I
hold a bizarre fascination for it now; why didn't anyone tell me it was like a
living cartoon crossed with the most outrageous of soap opera plots? I mean,
Andre the Giant straight up Donkey Konging Macho Man's manager in the middle of
a match? That's just the kind of stupid crap I love, man.
(i'm a wee bit behind, you can probably tell)
Which is why it frustrates me that the two wrestling games I played were so needlessly complex and not a lot of fun. I'd love for something as dirt-simple as Pokémon Rumble, but with wrestlers. That guy ran over your car in a monster truck? That's more than enough reason to go about elbow dropping fifteen jobbers at once! Push the concept of a Royal Rumble to its absolute limit!
09/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #259
"Mario must avoid Donkey Kong or he'll lose a valuable balloon."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 58 (July 1997)
More terrific Mario Kart 64 artwork you'll be lucky to see anywhere else. I love the lightning bolt image if just for the bobble-head Bowser. I wish that was his canonical appearance.
11/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #260
"Millions will find salvation in this droplet."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 137 (February 2004)
Talk about an obtuse ad. If you've any familiarity with Crystal Chronicles then maybe this is actually a really profound page, something that sums the game up in a single sentence and one allegorical image... but to anyone else, it just looks like someone slapped the wrong logo on an ad for Evian water.
14/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #261
"A hird hitting, block busting, demolition mission."
Wasn't Blast Corps a fascinating game? In an era that wanted bigger and more adventurous games, we get a strange arcade-like title about mowing down every damn man-made construction the earth - nay, the WHOLE MILKY WAY - has to offer. Do you think we'll see another game like it?
16/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #262
"The best game since Vice City"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 132 (September 2003)
Some sweet-looking sidebar ads for True Crime: Streets Of LA. Never played the game myself, but Kimble Justice's review of the game makes it look pretty nifty.
18/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #263
"Rare has gone and done it again. Dinosaur Planet is looking every bit an RPG classic. Watch out, Link!"
Dinosaur Planet's one of those games that never saw release as it was
originally intended, and there's still a bit of a fanbase for it - people
digging up old screenshots and materials, researching and interviewing and
trawling up every last morsel they can of the game before its evolution into
Star Fox Adventures. Admittedly this kind of behaviour can get a bit
tiresome - Sonic Xtreme was neat and all, but it would've been a lousy
game, fellas! So many people clamouring over Dinosaur Planet made me a
bit embittered over it as well...
... but viewing these pages again wipes that all away. The screenshots can't do
it justice - that looks incredible for an N64 game. Even on inferior hardware
the game was a beaut! Although this preview tells little of the
character-switching dynamic between Krystal and Sabre, it sounds like a feature
that could've been put to interesting use... had they gotten the development
time they needed.
... shit, count me in on the bandwagon. Star Fox Adventures is a dodgy ride but a memorable one while it lasts, and seeing this only makes me wish the game could have been realised the way it was meant to be. Perhaps the combat wasn't a total waste of time at one point in its development cycle!
21/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #264
"I have to admit I have no idea what's going on here. I guess it involves violence, though."
>
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 58 (July 1998)
If it isn't yet another fighting game preview, this time for
WarGods! A five page preview that for its unmistakable Midway musk managed
to look a wee bit nifty on pages like this. I'm struggling to determine why; is
it the promotional art that's a challenge to even identify? Is it the abundance
of fluorescent green? If I had to hedge my bets, I'd pin it on the giant useless
flavour text. "LOOKIN' AT ME?"
It's also mighty swell of them to spend five pages offering a nice meaty preview
of the game, highlighting all its features and characters, before mentioning in
a teeny little box at the end that it's total shit. Well, thanks for the
exposure, I guess.
23/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #265
"I really hope that you never give up, that you just try and try and try."
A quick Q&A with Miyamoto, relating mostly to the just-released Super Mario Sunshine but also dealing with original projects and his game design philosophy. Good stuff.
25/April/2015
ONM Remembered - #266
"Blimey. The wonders of modern technology. And can you believe they're only going to cost you about 60 squid? What a bargain!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 97 (October 2000)
ONM got proper excited for the reveal of the Game Boy Advance, praising every
single facet of its design, from the improved hardware to its selection of games
- even the new placement of the power switch is declared "dead handy." Their
noses couldn't be any browner.
As exciting as these pages were, it's tough to keep myself from being a snarky
shit whenever I see them now. That GameCube-to-GBA connectivity felt like an
obstacle more than an asset, that GB Mobile System was a farce, and can you
believe they changed those Mario Kart graphics for the final release?!
Forget the multi-player in Super Mario 64 DS, I'm still bitter about
this. Nothing riles me up more than sweet graphics getting dumped!