8/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #01
"Sometimes you need to split up to get the job done."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 104 (May 2001)
An ad that's always stuck with me. Lowbrow as it is, it's nothing you
wouldn't already see in the game, and it's certainly eye-catching without having
to resort to anything flashy. That said, when you look at the other ads in the
magazine, the bathroom humour doesn't seem like an attempt to tie into the game,
but like some sort of strange conspiracy where every product, no matter the
content or genre, is tied back to either toilet or sex humour. Like some strange
mutation of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
(mind you, Banjo hasn't far to go since you fart eggs out of your butt on
command, so...)
10/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #02 - an introduction
So, what the heck is this all about?
Last month, I figured it'd make sense to start cleaning out stuff I haven't any need for. I've got a broken Dreamcast that needs fixed and disposed of; I've a cupboard full of action figures that a charity shop would love; I still haven't budged my old dead computer...
Evidently, I decided my ancient catalogue of Nintendo magazines (spanning 1997 to 2005!) need to go.
Somewhere along the line, "let's get rid of these!" turned into "let's read
all of these and scan all the interesting bits!"... and a week and a half later,
I'd gone through my entire collection and had made around six hundred scans. I,
uh, think my reasoning was, "if I get rid of these, at least I can still
look back at the worthwhile content," though I think it was just a desperate
craving for something to do, no matter how stupid.
Like, I could have looked for something a bit more productive to do, but that
would've required searching for work. And a minute searching for work is
a minute that could have been spent doing work. Quick, what's the most
accessible thing to work on? A shitload of Nintendo magazines need scanning?
LET'S GET CRACKIN'
So, um, there we are. While looking through the mags there were lots of interesting little snippets here and there - old news that I'd forgotten about, amusing reviews, entertaining features, or just plain ol' mid-90s magazine madness. And I thought, "you know, if I play up my one redeeming trait and be a snarky git over these highlights, that could make an interesting feature!" Riff then, critique them, commentate on them, whatever makes for an amusing column. I can't guarantee any of it will be any good, but what the heck, it'll give me something to do and it'll give the website some scheduled updates for once!
ONM Remembered will run every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday if this WordPress schedule thing works for me. I hope you enjoy it! (and I most certainly hope the magazine's legal team take it it in good humour!)
12/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #03
"Once Mary's dead, sleep in Litz."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 58 (July 1997)
GAH.
This is meant to be the protagonist of Terranigma...
supposedly. It looks more someone trying to give
Bad
Cat a run for his money in the "face you'll still be seeing in your
nightmares" competition.
15/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #04
"HERE'S WHY WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE UK'S BIGGEST SELLING NINTENDO 64 AND NINTENDO MAG"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 95 (August 2000)
For a good few years, this was what greeted you at the start of
every Official UK Nintendo Magazine - the crew behind the magazine mugging for
the camera and acting like bald-headed buffoons.
I loved it.
It gave the magazine a great sense of "chumminess", y'know? These guys weren't
cold and analytical reviewers... they were fun-loving gamers! They
weren't hoity-toity philosophers, they were right blokes! They covered
Japan-only Mahjong titles and other obscurities, but they made sure to write up
about every footie game under the sun. Not a point I'd agree on, personally
(MORE MEMORY CARD REVIEWS), but they catered to all
audiences and brought a great sense of fun and light-heartedness to it all.
Their ugly mugs would show up in various parts of the magazine,
either to highlight some fancy product like the Game Boy Camera, or just to show
whose opinion was coming out of whose gob. I personally think it added a lot of
charm and character to the mag, but it did come across as pretty unprofessional.
If you hated looking at these people, you'd probably have good reason to
outright loathe them by the end of one issue.
When Official Nintendo Magazine was given a once-over around the GameCube era,
they cleaned up their act and began sporting a more professional design. The
introduction and contents page would still feature a quick run-down of the good
ladies and gentlemen behind the magazine, albeit in tiny, individual, dignified
portraits that emitted a vibe more akin to, "oh, hello, you caught me
while I was working on this forty page thesis on why Seiken Densetsu 3 is
the greatest thing to have been produced from O Holy Nippon"... rather than the
oh-so-loveable "WAHEY GROUP PHOTO EVERYONE YOU BETTER SNAP US
QUICK BEFORE WE DROP OUR TROUSERS LADS"
The magazine got a bit boring after they did that.
17/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #05
"Great Graphics! Guns 'n' Gore!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 66 (March 1998)
HEY YOU GUYYYYS
SAY YOU WANNA COME OVER TO MY DINNER PARTY THIS EVENIN'? OH IT'S GONNA BE
JUST -SUPER-
OH MY GOSH HAVE I GOT SOME FAB WORKOUT TECHNIQUES TO SHARE, I CAN LET YOU KNOW
WHERE I GOT THIS EIGHT PACK STOMACH FROM - LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH, BOYS! HA HA HA
HA
WELL I GOTTA RUN BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL OKAY SEE YOU LATER ALLIGATOR
19/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #06
"He's got to have them all!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 122 (November 2002)
You know what I was saying about all game ads basically being toilet or sex gags? Well, what's the best way to advertise that we've got one mediocre game on all the current consoles? Have the mascot bang a bunch of chicks. PERFECT
There's plenty wrong with this image, and it's not just to do with how Crash is gargantuanly out of portion. It's sleazy, it's garish, it alienates the female reader, it's ill-suited to the target audience (the games had moments of perversion, but nothing as overt as this!), and the art is really goddamned frightening.
PUT THOSE TEETH AWAY AAAAAA
22/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #07
"Looks the biz and plays better than most."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 94 (July 2000)
Although I've rarely experimented with them, I can't help but be fascinated how many varieties of game controller are made for each console. Some just aim to directly emulate the official controller, some do it with cheaper materials or more features, while some controllers try and completely reimagine it. The N64 was home to so many differently-shaped controllers! Some shorted the prongs, some squashed the length of the pad, some made it into a two-pronged shape, and some just looked flash by sporting sleek translucent plastic.
I mentioned before that my friends and I have burned through gamepads something shocking, N64 controllers especially. I'm pretty sure we had about seven to nine controllers for it in total. I think only one or two were third-party pads, while the rest were Nintendo's home brand. One of them (sadly not pictured here), the Shark Pad, had some really nice translucent plastic and sported nice chunky buttons, but then the Z Button collapsed in on itself, and that was that. Pity.
I always wanted to get my hands on that Mirage Wild Things controller - that image always made it look really appealing. The chunky buttons, the short and stubby pad design, the classy gold colouration, like a match made in heaven! I never saw it in stores, though, and I've already a surplus of knackered N64 pads, I'm in no rush to get more.
Given the humongous number of PC gamepads and how most consoles
sport USB ports, you'd think we'd be in an era where controllers were totally
interchangeable between systems... but I guess not. It's a crying shame, because
I absolutely love how varied controllers are, and being able to swap them
between games or consoles with ease would be a dream.
There are adapters, sure, but they're still rather limiting in how much
compatibility you've got, not to mention the price. Wouldn't it be fun to just
drag out the old Mega Drive and plug in an N64 pad? Or how about playing the
PlayStation with a SEGA Saturn controller? Or busting out a no-name brand PC
controller with a DA-15 port and getting it to work on the Xbox 360? Or...
anything at all? Jeez, man, I'm still hoping to get some use out of those
things.
24/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #08
"UP FOR GRABS"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 118 (July 2002)
No video game commentary here, I just cracked up at the sight of all those Harry Potter heads.
"DANIEL RADCLIFFE HAS REACHED CRITICAL MASS.
CLONES OF HIS DISEMBODIED HEAD HAVE ENGULFED HALF OF WALES. THE EARTH WILL BE
UNDER GRAVE PERIL UNLESS IMMEDIATE ACTION IS TAKEN."
And that's when Mad Dog and Scorpion come in.
26/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #09
"What do you call Nintendo's crap robot which was designed for use with the NES?"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 95 (August 2000)
Around this era in the magazine's history, if an issue didn't end with a preview
of next month's contents, it would end with a big series of quizzes, sometimes
with a prize up for grabs. I've no idea if you had to answer every single
question on the page, or just The Big Question to be in for a chance of
nabbing Perfect Dark.
Funnily enough, The Big Question is easier than some of those other ones - what
on earth is that werewolf from, and why has it got a disturbing growth coming
out of its head?
29/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #10
"The wheel also clamps to a desk or sits comfortably on your lap. 9/10"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 118 (July 2002)
The N64 era for Official Nintendo Magazine kept up with a lot of third-party
accessories. In the index of games (Total Test), you'd find reviews for
third-party controllers, memory cards, rumble paks and other miscellaneous
accessories. I suppose back in those days people were more adventurous with the
kind of accessories they bought? I almost wanted to say "back in those days
people had more money to throw around," but I didn't follow the economic growth
in that year. I think I just wanted to say it because it's the sort of thing
anyone says in any conversation nowadays. Fuck you, recession, stop dictating
the way we talk!
In the GameCube era, you were lucky to find anything about
controllers or memory cards. Heck, I never even knew they even made
non-standard controllers for the GameCube! Seeing these while skimming through
the old mags was a real eye-opener. I could have been playing Mario Kart
Double Dash!! with a proper wheel and pedals all that time ago! ... and it
still wouldn't have made the game any better!
That Gamester Pro Racer controller looks absolutely bonkers. I'd love to know
how it feels when used for non-racing games. Mind you, I've my own share of
busted GameCube controllers, so I don't need more that I'll never use. Love that
purple colouration, though. Why aren't video game controllers pretty any more?
31/July/2012
ONM Remembered - #11
"Sick of fighting the same old enemies?"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 89 (February 2000)
Nothing related to Nintendo today, and only a tangential relation to video games. I just wanted to talk about this ad. It's pretty eye-catching! I think when I was younger the image kind of spooked me, but not so much that I had to remember to skip the page or else NO SLEEP TONIGHT (which I admit I had to do a couple of times with a Resident Evil 2 promotional image. We'll talk about that one another time!)... more of a "that's kind of unsettling, but man, even I find fault with this."
Like, why on earth has he got a spike coming out of his mouth? I can get behind the spikes coming out of his face, sure, but why the mouth? Is he going to prick you with his gob? Is it just a precaution so you can't even punch him in the kisser? It doesn't give the image of some godforsaken denizen of the underworld, it just looks like someone wasn't watching what he was eating. In fact, forget the mouth, it looks like he's submitting a lawsuit against a sushi restaurant for not fully making sure the pufferfish wasn't dead. We'll sidestep around why on earth a pufferfish would have metal spikes.
If you care to look around ol' thorn-gob, we have a sky that's inexplicably on fire, and some mysterious woman in a cloak. It's like a rehearsal for a heavy metal CD cover photo shoot.
02/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #12
"Nobody steals our bits... and lives!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine
issue 63 (December 1997)
YO CONSOLE SO BIG IT CRUSHED THE DINOSAURS
YO CONSOLE SO SLOW WHEN IT GETS SHOT IT TAKES FIVE WEEKS TO NOTICE
YO CONSOLE SO BAD EVEN THE N-GAGE SAYS "DAMN"
YO CONSOLE SO BLURRY EVEN MR MAGOO SAYS "BITCH YOU NEED GLASSES"
YO CONSOLE SO... UH, CARTRIDGE-Y THAT DISCS ARE LIKE "SHIT
WHERE'S THE DOOR"
I hereby declare this as evidence for why I should never make another "yo mama"
joke in my life.
05/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #13
"Amaze your friends. Astound your enemies."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 69 (June 1998)
A small batch of reviews for Game Boy, including games and accessories.
That Multi-Boy looks absolutely ridiculous, and I love it. I'm
particularly in awe over those giant joystick controls. I would love to have
something like that on the PSP. There are those add-ons that supposedly turn
your PSP's D-Pad into a proper SNES-style cross, or give the stick a bigger grip
(ooer), which sound good at first... but then you discover
they need put on with glue. With glue. In a few weeks the D-Pad was
slipping off-centre and had no option but to be removed. Not to mention I had to
clean it with some nail varnish and rubbing alcohol afterward. Major bummer, dude.
Also, the PSP's stick is fucking terrible and I would like to elbow drop the man
who included it. Don't include analogue sticks unless they're real sticks,
asshole!
...
Where was I?
Er, yes, the Multi-Boy! It's a hideously huge piece of kit for a handheld that
was already a mite larger than it should've been, but I love the look of it.
Not much to say about the games, though either ONM knows something I don't, or they barely touched Pocket Bomberman and just assumed it had a multi-player mode. Now that could have made the game worthwhile.
07/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #14
"Cute characters. Nasty injuries."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 118 (July 2002)
This "object in a cube" format was used for a few first-party Nintendo advertisements early in the GameCube's lifespan, and none of them were terribly engaging. I suppose it doesn't help that very few of them made an attempt to show what the game was like. The Pikmin ad did feature the little creatures buried in soil, but... yeah, tell me, does seeing weird stuff inside a cube make you rush out and buy a game? Didn't think so.
You'd think it'd have been funnier to have an actual Nintendo
character wrapped in bandages. Showing Kirby in traction would have been an
excellent example. Not only would it be amusing to see a nondescript pink
puffball suffering from a broken limb, but it wouldn't have been a hard image to
make as either a prop or a CGI model.
The glass cube is the only thing about this image to cement it as video game
related, and even that's a loose connection. I wouldn't be surprised to see this
image reappear in the near future for accident benefits or car insurance ads.
"This man is kept under surveillance so only the best accident benefit
agencies can get to him!" Take me out and shoot me.
09/August/2012
ONM Remembered - #15
"Just don't forget to take a sick bag with you..."
Ahahaha, WOW. It's like the worst of 1990s female character designs (heck, worst of character designs, full stop) were... jeez, I don't know. I can't even make a funny story out of this. Look at it!
What can I say? The woman in orange looks like her head is on fire, the lady in yellow looks like her butt is pregnant, and as for madam cyber-arm... FUCK.
It's-- just-- god!
Okay, I think this one needs a breakdown.
- She has a metal thong, with either gun holsters or hip-mounted rocket launchers on the side. Very practical. Not sure on the sexy part. Definitely gives a of "don't fuck with me" vibe.
-
Strangely asymmetrical armour. One arm appears to be natural, while the other has been replaced with the first thing they could grab from the RoboCop prop warehouse. Her right hand appears to be no more sophisticated than a crane game arm. The practicality of this is as of yet unknown.
-
Those are the worst fucking guns I have ever seen. Just-- Jesus, look at them! Forget the beef - where's the depth?
-
I cannot look at that face without cracking up. It reminds me of every bad heavy metal CD and sci-fi magazine cover I have ever seen. That, or a robotic kissogram from a future gone terribly, terribly wrong. "PRE-PARE-TO-PUC-KER-UP, BIG-BOY. MU-WAH. MU-WAH."
I'm mighty tempted to submit this to
Escher Girls, though, er,
having tried them myself (MY ONLY REGRET IS NOT TAKING PHOTOS),
I can say that the poses are at least within the relative confines of
reality... I stress the term "relative" very damned loosely. Possible or
not, they're still mighty stupid poses. The girl in orange must have a very
warped centre of balance if she can remain upright with her legs forward and her
torso craned back. On platform high heels, no less!
I think I just want the girls' costumes to have a good home alongside the comic
book fashion travesties you see on the blog.
(also hey Escher Girls is a pretty rad blog with some hilarious observations and admirable messages, I say check it out!)