25/November/2012
ONM Remembered - #57
"About as much fun as falling into a vat of industrial strength acid."
It's easy to write and so overdone that it can get tiresome, but there's something so damn pleasing about seeing a bit of vitriol being spat at a product that doesn't deserve so much said about it.
27/November/2012
ONM Remembered - #58
"WIN SOME THINGS"
from 64 Magazine volume 9 (2nd January 1998)
Here's Toby returns!
Electronics Buttock is a riff on Electronics Boutique. I hate myself for
having to explain it, but it is a gaming chain that's been dead
for over fifteen years, so...
29/November/2012
ONM Remembered - #59
"Few people are aware that Droopy is actually the coaching genius behind Pete Sampras"
It's funny looking back at print magazines and seeing both just how much they
cram into them, and also how there's only so much they can include each month.
Do you wonder if they ever had a surplus of content and had to decide what was
worth showing and what wasn't?
I ask because reviewing a game about Droopy playing tennis seems so bizarre.
Both the fact that a development company actually produced such an outlandish
game in the first place, and also the thought that someone believed the public
absolutely needed to know whether or not Droopy's Tennis Open was a
quality product or not. "Bust out the percentages, boys - I'M GOING IN!"
(if only reviewing were that exciting, though. i might actually have gone ahead
with that book review i had planned once if it required the usage of PKE metres
and other fun gadgets)
Also, hey, CT Special Forces! I'm quite partial to the series and
mostly just wanted to share this little magazine snippet. I was almost going to
say "I've always wanted to write a big piece covering the entire series" ...
but, well, I have! And I haven't read it in years because it's bound to be
terrible and poorly written and not at all informative or anything!
(yes, that's how I run my website - ignore everything that's bad and hope the
rest of you do, too)
02/December/2012
ONM Remembered - #60
"Burper is a shoot 'n' dodge-type game."
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 61 (October 1997)
In the far-flung year of 1997, Official Nintendo Magazine was still covering SNES games. I'm surprised games were still being released for the console in English territories at this point! Pity they were a bit shit, though.
What can they possibly say about Jungle Games? It's basically a compilation of old arcade titles, except everybody's favourite warthog and meerkat comedians take centre stage. It's like the best of Wii shovelware, before we even HAD Wii shovelware!
The review ends with a look at other Disney titles on the Super
Nintendo, complete with their old review scores. They seem a mite generous if
you ask me - Toy Story at 92%? Jeez, buddy. I suppose I have to give it
credit for having a variety of game modes and some neato graphical effects, but
if you're looking for an enjoyable game, hit up Goof Troop.
Yes, I'll use any excuse I can to talk about Goof Troop, because Goof
Troop is THE SHIT. Thanks to the overpowering bias of
nostalgia, it's probably one of my favourite SNES games, and I still go back to
it. It's like a top-down puzzle game where you kick blocks and use hook-shots
and stuff! Check it out if you can. Shinji Mikami worked on it, didn't you know!
You can use that to impress your friends while silently crying, "WHERE'S MY
GOOF TROOP EXPANSION PACK, SHINJI". It's sure to make you a winner at
parties.
04/December/2012
ONM Remembered - #61
"Omigosh! Some unseen force is causing our plane to perform endless barrel rolls!"
from 64 Magazine volume 10 (29th January 1998)
The last of Here's Toby!
Yes, sadly, this is the last one I have in my collection. Since one
Here's Toby! ad showed up in every issue of 64 Magazine and 64 Solutions
I collected, I can only assume there's more in the series. That, or a lot of
repeats. If anyone out there has any of them I haven't got, I'd love to see
them!
06/December/2012
ONM Remembered - #62
"FEEL EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE"
I don't think that's how you use the cartridge slot, buddy.
09/December/2012
ONM Remembered - #63
"Zelda 64 is the greatest adventure of all time. And that's official."
(from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 64 (January 1998)
ONM was just so gosh-darned excited about Zelda 64 that they
dumped damn near every screenshot that'd been released across six pages. And
it's all early footage! Check it, the screenshots have the A Button for the
sword instead of the B Button. Fascinating stuff.
There might be more interesting changes, but I wouldn't have the patience to
find out - some of the screens must have come from the Space World '97 playable
demos, and some look to be those ancient promotional ones of Link in nondescript
locations. If
Zelda's Secret Ocarina were still around they'd probably give you a mouthful
on each and every screenshot. Bless 'em!
The last page is the most interesting to me - 5 Top Nintendo Toys! Seeing merchandise of video game characters was a rare sight in those days, so finding out that plastic games existed in the shape of Yoshi and Donkey Kong was like hearing unicorns existed, but only in Julian Simmons's bathroom. Kinda strange thinking back when I'm practically tripping over Angry Birds and Super Mario merchandise every time I hit the shops.
11/December/2012
ONM Remembered - #64
"WHEN I'M 64"
(from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 64 (January 1998)
Oh, crumbs, has this silly thing really been going on for sixty four entries
already? If that's the case, let's commemorate the 64th entry of ONM Remembered
with a feature from Official Nintendo Magazine's sixty fourth issue touting
sixty four reasons why the Nintendo 64 is tops.
Because it sounded like a cute idea at the time.
It's an amusing idea for a feature, except for three major flaws.
1) The Nintendo 64 had only been out for nine months by this point.
2) Official Nintendo Magazine were writing the feature.
And 3) THE NINTENDO 64 HAD ONLY BEEN OUT FOR NINE
MONTHS GUYS ARE YOU SERIOUS
Usually, consoles often have so many publishers and developers
supporting them that nine months is more than enough time to get an adequate
supply of games on shelves. By the end of 1997, how many games had actually been
released in PAL regions yet? Like, thirty? No more than forty, certainly.
After wetting your pants over Super Mario 64 and Blast Corps,
there wasn't exactly much else to shout about on the console. As such, a lot of
this feature is just the crew going, "look at these announcements! In like a
year's time we might have a winning console on our hands!" It's kind of
hilarious and cripplingly disappointing how they hyped so much over the 64DD,
and the bloody thing was left to die in Japanese mail order catalogues. You
might want to have waited until all these games and peripherals were out
(and proven to be good, preferably) before shouting "OI
OI LOOK HOW BOFFO OUR VIDYA CON IS".
Also, yeah, it's early-days ONM. As such, it's puerile, childish, and didn't do them any favours in coming across as being above immature name calling...
For the completists out there, this feature had a box on the bottom
of each page highlighting important issues in the magazine's history, but most
of them got chopped off by wonky scanning. Not much interest to me, but figure
I'd keep you posted.
Let's talk snarky about the entries!
"1) You get to read the Official Nintendo Magazine and find out everything
first!"
Or you can read N64 Magazine and have something that's still worthwhile
reading material after ten years!
"2) The 64-bit spec gives us power!"
GIMME ALL THE BITS. No, for reals, the whole bit talk is just
meaningless jargon, right? For the most part, certainly.
"3) The 64DD pushes games further"
Third reason in and it's gotten hilariously vague. Making your own
textures will push games to the next level, you guys.
"6) The Sniper Rifle in Goldneye 007"
The really crap weak sniper rifle that also replaces your kickass karate
chop with a big dumb rifle butt? Great!
"9) You'll be able to download Game Boy games to your N64"
This is rich. Now we're misinterpreting gaming news to give us us
something to look forward to?
"10) It's under a ton! What a bargain"
Only for the late-adopters, though. Early bird buyers? Sucks to be them!
(yes, we were among the hundreds of saps who paid £300 for the
N64 when it was brand new)
"13) Shigeru Miyamoto makes our games"
I don't care if Chip Shop Charlie makes the games.
"18) The cool 3D stick"
Oh, yeah, gotta love that unbelievably sensitive and easy-to-bust stick.
"20) You can shoot people up the bum in Rare's Goldeneye 007"
I'll admit that is feature of the goddamned century. Why have no more
games capitalised on popping caps into botties?
"25) You can really fly in Pilotwings 64"
As opposed to fake flying.
"26) No kisses off Gran. N64 techno-fear"
Did Neil from The Young Ones write this?
27) "The Battle of Hoth in Shadows of the Empire"
Haha, woof. It hasn't aged well.
"28) Carts don't jump. CDs do!"
Try it outdoors, then.
"30) Rare ONLY write games for Nintendo"
Enjoy it while you can, suckers!
"34) Nintendo doesn't do boring games"
Hahaha!
Ha!
"39) Your machine's still gonna be sexy in the next century"
Well, we're about eighty something years away from verifying. It hasn't
yellowed yet, I can credit it for that much.
"42) Hypnotic choons that slip seamlessly into your ears"
PET PEEVE ALERT - people who can't write "tunes", but have to
misspell it as "toons" or "choons" or some other textual abomination. Write the
bloody word and be done with it.
"44) You can be in games with Mario Artist and the Capture
Cassette"
That would have been neat, but...
"45) Capcom and the 64DD"
Yes. ... and?
"46) The Pocket Camera looks likely to work with the 64DD
disk drive"
Oh boy, only now are they saying "looks likely". You can only
keep up your blind enthusiasm for so long, boys!
"47) We don't have to rely on women's bits to make good
games"
But if we can sell more mags by talking about them, we're game!
"49) The laydeez love Mario Kart 64"
From my experience they vastly prefer Mario Tennis. Funny, that.
"50) Playing N64's like being in a movie!"
A movie starring geometric monstrosities!
"51) You'll be the envy of all your mates"
Until someone says they have the Nintendo 65, and then you'll be demoted
to second banana.
"54) In F-Zero X you can race on your own custom courses"
If you don't mind shelling out for the doomed Japan-only peripheral,
first.
"62) Advanced virtual pets can live in your 64DD"
That sounds like a good reason why you should RUN AWAY from the
N64.
"63) Total interaction with your machine. Talk on a mic to
your pet"
In only one game. With only one animal. Really using those accessories
to the max, Ninty!
"64) Super Mario 64 2"
Oh, only in five years time.
And it'll be nothing like the first one.
And it'll be really, really disappointing.
Thanks, Nintendo!
13/December/2012
ONM Remembered - #65
"It's not just his game. It's an NHL warzone."
I'd never actually noticed this particular ad before I started revisited the mags for this column. This is a cute angle to take an ad for a licensed sports game. It'd be amusing if ads for Goldeneye feature the real Pierce Brosnan sharing a martini with his low-poly game representation, or B.A. Baracus busting through a wall with the help of his floating disembodied Atari 2600 head.
Mind you, I could be pedantic and say that's not Wayne Gretzky's polygonal double, it's his crudely Photoshop-filtered double. I think it'd be hard to shill an N64 game when using its actual in-game graphics. Would love to see someone try, though.
16/December/2012
ONM Remembered - #66
"(NOM accepts no responsibility if this plan fails or for any hideous embarrassment caused)"
This Christmassy issue of Official Nintendo Magazine featured a guide on how to shit all over the goodwill and charity from your loved ones in favour of getting what you want. What else are they good for?
18/December/2012
ONM Remembered - #67
"You'll love the free Nintendo All Star Battle Cards that came free with this month's NOM."
For anyone who's actually looked at the rest of the site (god help you!), you might be familiar with Tarzan vs. Batman, which was just me waffling a whole ton on some Nintendo-themed Top Trumps cards. Well, their source is now revealed!
After carefully avoiding naming them because I hadn't a clue, it turns out they are called the Nintendo All Star Battle Cards... which is the exact same name as the other Top Trumps cards they offered four years earlier. As if that wasn't confusing enough, they're alternately referred to as the Nintendo Official Magazine Battle Cards. Huh. Turns out I was better off dubbing them the GameCube Power Deck.
God, reading the instructions only emphasises how dumb the stats are. Why are these characters determining victory over how many consoles they've been on or their year of Nintendo debut? Man alive, son, give them something interesting to fight over. Just because it's not a video game doesn't mean you have to make it as boring as possible. At least let them bash a few skulls in stat form.
20/December/2012
ONM Remembered - #68
"These top muffins hold a Mario-style surprise inside."
from N64 Magazine issue 9 (December 1997)
One of the shortest features in N64 Magazine, but easily one of the most memorable - when Wil Overton isn't drawing adorable doodles or designing a good mag, he and his wife show you how to make video game themed foodstuffs! If that isn't the most adorable idea I've ever read... then I clearly have a very limited worldview.
I've a feeling I actually tried making the Wave Race Refresher at one point -
and no surprise, because it requires absolutely no talent. Pour lemonade, dunk
in food colouring, slam a scoop of ice cream into it.
CONGRATURATIONS YOU ARE EXCELLENCE CHEF
If I remember correctly it tasted absolutely vile. Ice cream and lemonade are
not a pleasant combination. I think we just used the rest of the food colouring
on other drinks and pretended they were potions from Zelda. Christ, we
were dorky kids.