28/August/2010
I watched Tropic Thunder with the folks. Padre was under the mistaken belief that it would be the perfect movie for mother to watch. Cue an opening scene where people are blown up, a man's hands are reduced to charred stumps, and all manner of grotesque imagery. Still, I don't think it was quite as all-around shocking to her as, say, Team America: World Police. Great wisdom on picking that one, father!
It wasn't bad - I'd seen the trailer back when it first came out and it looked quite promising, and the concept of these actors being pitted in a real war zone sounds like a good premise, but... eh, I don't know, it just didn't seem as good as it should've been. Some good laughs, but quite often it came across as lacklustre and yawn-inducing. Jack Black's character didn't seem to serve any purpose aside from cheap drug humour, though him trying to wrestle with a buffalo was about the only good thing he achieved. I've a feeling that the version we were watching was cut, as judging by quotes from IMDb and TV Tropes it looks like there was some scenes and dialogue cut out - I definitely don't remember Robert Downey Jr. saying "I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!", a loss I am quite saddened by.
For an on-a-whim watch I could certainly have watched worse things, but for a comedy movie it came across as rather slow and plodding half the time. Tom Cruise completely freakin' stole the show, mind you - it's probably the best role I've seen him in, but there wasn't enough of him to totally redeem the film. Maybe watching the uncut version would make it a little more entertaining, but I'm in no rush. Not a failure, but not impressive either.
Today's observation: What's the deal with passworded WinRar files, eh? You give it a password and it extracts the whole file, but if it's incorrect then it waits until after it extracts the whole damn file before telling you it was wrong. Wonderful priorities you got there, fella.
26/August/2010
Watched O Zango de Baker Street, or The Portuguese Sherlock Holmes as my dad and I decided to dub it. Being a foreign film that I don't think has even had an official DVD release over here, I had absolutely no expectations aside from maybe a dude in a deer hunting hat showing up. It's a quirky and mildly enjoyable watch, but I admit the primary feeling I felt after seeing it was "they could've done it so much better."
Women are being murdered in Rio de Janeiro and a priceless violin has been stolen, and since the local detective isn't doing a great job of cracking the case, here comes Sherlock Holmes and the stereotypical doddering comic relief incarnation of Doctor Watson to try and solve it! Mind you, it's close to the thirty minute mark before the duo even appear on-screen, so I was almost expecting the Brazilian detective to be the main character with Sherlock (if he ever showed up) acting as a guest star, but nope, the Brazilian dude shares a few scenes with Holmes and there's some cute interaction between them, and then he more or less disappears from the film. A waste and a disappointment.
I suppose that sentence could sum up my thoughts if I were 25% more pessimistic. The film has an intriguing plot and a very rich environment - we see the various shades of Rio such as the more upmarket fancy-pants locations and the contrasting seaside marketplace, with a variety of characters for the detectives to interview. There are several subplots to spice things up: the story is set against a background of a slavery abolitionist group trying to get their plans underway, Sherlock enters a romantic relationship with a young actress, and the Brazilian police force have a prejudice against Holmes for taking over their duties. The problem? None of it actually goes anywhere. It slumps a little in places and in others it's truly engaging, but then the story comes to an abrupt conclusion and is left to linger for a final fifteen minutes, and I'm left with an unfortunate feeling of "what was the point?"
For instance, when Holmes first interviews the emperor, there's a running gag of him pacing the room theatrically and accidentally knocking his priceless antiques over in a very Clouseau-like manner, and since it's one of the first instances of proper comedy in the movie (there's a language joke earlier on involving French swear words, but that's really only amusing to dorky people like me), it's a decent laugh. And then that element of Holmes is never played up again. There are a lot of jokes that you almost feel will become relevant in some manner later on, but the likes of Holmes partaking in cannabis and admitting that he's a virgin... they don't actually contribute anything, they're just there. Over halfway through a public display of affection between Holmes and his lady friend lands him in jail by an overzealous police officer, and one gets the impression this could be a turning point in both Sherlock's interaction with the Brazilian police and also maybe act as a source of clues on who the murder suspect is. Instead Watson and the Portuguese detective arrive before he gets thrown in a cell and he's allowed out, and that's it. It adds nothing to the story and although the basic idea that he's arrested for snogging in public is amusing, it's not taken advantage of to a decent extent.
There are several jokes like that. Watson visits a barber so he can get a shave and a haircut, but doesn't know a word of Portuguese. He's told how to say "beard and hair" in the language and is told to go in alone, and results in a brief argument with a barber who can't tell if he just wants his hair styled or cut off but can get no further elaboration out of the Englishman. It's pretty weak. The very final 'joke' is that Holmes and his actress friend say their emotional kissy goodbyes in an empty theatre on stage behind the curtains, which an unseen stagehand raises, causing them to look out in alarm. Is there a joke that there is, in fact, a large audience watching them get all smoochy-style? Is there a joke that this otherwise private moment is now made public to the stagehand? We can't tell, because it just cuts to the pier immediately after. It's like they had an idea for a joke, but never bothered filming it.
I know I come across as very negative, but I won't deny that I enjoyed watching it. As I said, it's an engaging (if rather corny) plot, and when the humour is good, it's good. There's a fantastic scene in the morgue where Holmes inspects the organs of a murder victim and deduces that the killer pulled out her heart and rubbed it against his beard (why? why not?), and the father of the victim comes in crying his eyes out. Holmes, Watson, the detective and the mortician end up having to hide the girl's liver from him by passing it to each other than they least expect it, getting it in their faces and on their coats, all unnoticed by the father... until Watson, in English, says to him "I believe this belongs to you" before dumping it in his hands and scurrying away. Definitely worth watching for that scene alone.
I think one of the issues with the film is that it doesn't appear quite sure of what it is. It comes across as a serious and intriguing historical murder mystery at the start, but it's not until half an hour in before it begins to imply that it's a comedy, and then the comedy takes over so much it's hard to realise there's even a murder mystery behind it all, before becoming starkly serious in the final twenty minutes and leaving the audience with a rather disheartening ending. It has a running time of two hours but it never feels sluggish - there are scenes that are pointless, yes, but it keeps a steady and entertaining pace, though I get the impression that there was a lot of content they left on the cutting room floor that would have tied things together a lot more nicely. Instead, the remnants of what we get come across as awkward and out of left field.
The fifth-to-last scene is Sherlock attending a Nubian spiritual festival and undergoes a ritual that declares his spiritual guide to be Xango. While this does clarify the title of the movie, what is the point of the scene? The spiritual side of the Nubian folk isn't even discussed before this scene, and outside of a needlessly lengthy scene where Watson is possessed by a god and basically spells out that the real killer has been in their sights the whole time, it doesn't add anything. The movie is based off a book that I imagine expands on these elements a little more (though this review implies it focuses more on Sherlock's sexual misadventures, which is a mighty fine turn-off), but it's just an awkward scene altogether. It doesn't help there's a character in that scene who shows up as a head on the platter in the next, causing me to boggle over the logistics of that, like how far the two areas are from each other, what time lapse there was between the scenes and all kinds of frustrating details.
It's a very frustrating ending.
Again, I try and reinforce my point - I relatively enjoyed it. I wasn't expecting much, but I got a good story, some corny jokes and a surprisingly intriguing little movie. The ending is just where it gets iffy - the case is solved in the sense that they get the violin back and find out how the murderer operated, but only one of the murders is prevented and the empress is among the deceased, leaving everyone a bit bummed. The stringless violin does serve as a trophy of the one mystery Sherlock couldn't solve, which I guess is rather poignant... until he then decides to unintentionally unleash Jack the Ripper upon London by inviting the murderer along. He didn't know he was the murderer, but what's formerly a fun and lightweight movie kind of becomes an exercise in making everyone's life a misery by the end of its running time. It's certainly a twist, but the movie is already rife with mood whiplash beforehand, and that swerve just sails the deal.
I'm sure Sherlock Holmes fanatics will find it an insult to the franchise due to the characters' wacky antics, but I'd dare say it's an entertaining if seriously lowbrow romp. Just don't expect a happy ending.
22/August/2010
Wouldn't it be hilarious if that previous entry was the last one ever?
Just been busy with work lately, so I wouldn't be surprised if August slips us by without a single update. As always I've got a fair few ideas of stuff I want to do, it's more just a matter of having the time and the motivation to go ahead and do it - two things work does a fantastic job of sapping out of me. I'm almost thinking it might just save us all a bit of heartache if I put the site on hiatus (as in an official hiatus, not one of my unofficial "holy shit I forgot about the website for like six weeks, what am I gonna do?!" hiatuses) and come back when I've got something to show. I mean, it's not like I have much to blog about either!
Well, I did watch Dark Angel a few days ago.
This is one with a bit of personal history. Well, family history, I guess - throughout all my life my dad has managed to bring it up in vague conversation just enough for it to be a title that sticks out in my mind. I don't know if it's like The Neverending Story where even if I never watched it or heard about it, I always knew it because of the VHS box sitting in the cupboard, but if I ever saw it then it probably wasn't the art that stuck in my mind. Only a year or two ago did I learn it was one of Dolph Lundgren's action flicks, but again, I still had no idea what it was about. I mean, it's a title that's vague as all hell, but it's practically oozing with sci-fi charm. "Dark Angel." I mean, you just need to say it and you imagine big blocky space ships flying across starscapes.
It's actually more of a odd-couple cop story with sci-fi elements. Unexpected!
Having watched Showdown in Little Tokyo first, I got serious vibes of it right from the start. Dolph plays a hardass cop with a vengeance (Showdown: His papa was murdered! Angel: His partner was murdered!) who sticks with his instincts rather than the code of conduct, and is paired up with a by-the-book partner who rubs him the wrong way. Problem is, while Showdown was effectively meant to introduce Brandon Lee to Western audiences, the whole film came across as "Dolph Lungren is better than you at everything." Yeah, they eventually warm up and start working together, but I can't remember any notable instance where Brandon was actually necessary. Dark Angel makes their relationship more interesting, both because the partner is actually working for the bad guys (spoilers!), but also how after he defects he changes from by-the-book cop to a bullet-pumping threat-spewing bundle of rage. Which is awesome.
Also it helps that Dark Angel (which I should mention is apparently known as I Come In Peace in America, but man what kind of dorky title is that, it should go join Batteries Not Included and the other dorky movie titles) is basically about an intergalactic drug war taken to Earth, with both the criminal and the law enforcement arriving on Earth and taking their battle with them, getting the police force, the FBI and ne'er-do-wells wishing to capitalise on their technology chasing after. All I remember of Showdown was the gratuitous sex and violence, Dolph Lundgren's giant penis and something about them putting drugs into cans of dog food. Not a good way to make an impression, folks.
Dark Angel may be a very by-the-numbers cop mystery story, but it really is the addition of ridiculous sci-fi elements that make it so endearing. They're not just dealing with some dude who murders people - they're dealing with a dude who injects fatal doses of heroin into people and then drains their bodily fluids! Why? Man, hell if I know, it's just the kind of stupid thing that makes an impression. The two people from space really are no more than just pale guys in long coats, white contact lenses and with lots of fancy space-age toys, but that alone just makes it a much more appealing mystery story. They have to work out how a group of gangsters were murdered in a nightclub so quickly, effortlessly, and all with the same razor-precise slices to the neck, and eventually find it to be a disc that traces in on humans' electromagnetic fields. The scientist (who totally steals the show, I must say - he only appears in two scenes and it's only in one of them where he's in top form, but give that guy a freakin' medal!) could very well just be excreting bowel contents into words, but it's just neat to get something interesting rather than your usual, "he shot him. Have fun tracing the bullet, boys!"
It doesn't try to reinvent the wheel, nor is it sophisticated watching, but you know me by now, something fun and quirky with a few interesting additions are enough to get me intrigued. And now that I've watched it, I can definitely say that aside from some amusing dialogue, there's nothing Showdown in Little Tokyo has that this doesn't top.
Today's observation: Does the British Skin Foundation really exist? It just seems like something shampoo and shaving ads made up just to sound cool.
15/August/2010
How did I manage to cut myself on a fucking ketchup bottle? Honest to god, I've got a feeling my purpose in life is just to find the bluntest objects in existence and then find a way to injure myself with them.
12/August/2010
There are times, especially when I don't watch the news, where every day feels the same and when I notice it my daily life almost feels like some kind of unbelievably boring time loop. Like Groundhog Day, except I'm making vain comparisons to a film I haven't even seen. It really doesn't help that it seems for weeks, if not months, Yahoo! Mail has had the same news piece about "South Africa denied dream start by Mexico" in its top stories box. For weeks. I think they sometimes changed the country name, but it otherwise did a fantastic job of feeling trapped in a time anomaly while simultaneously remaining aware that the few remaining days of the year are just slipping by like plastic bags in the wind. Thanks a lot, Yahoo! News.
I haven't seen a lot of standout movies lately, and although I've seen four in the past few weeks I haven't even commented on them yet. Here's some hurried-out slapdash opinions!
The A-Team: Saw it yesterday. A reasonably enjoyable romp. I can't vouch for how accurate it is to the source material - people actually get shot (and die!) with guns, it's only near the end when cars flip over at the slightest provocation, and there's a fair amount of swearing, including some poorly silenced usages of "motherfucker." It's also got a strange blend of stark seriousness and acknowledged goofiness, but let's face it, who's going to care about the serious stuff when the characters fly a tank? Fly a tank, honest to god.
The actors all do great jobs, and Liam Neeson brings a real presence to the film, plus the dude who plays Pike looks like a real life version of Johnny Fiama. I know the guy's meant to be a tough-as-nails asshole villain, but seriously, those eyebrows! Paint him green, put him in a suit, give him a monkey bodyguard and I swear they could make a live action Muppets film just with that. The action's a bit variable - the fisticuffs is typical Batman Begins bollocks of fast-paced camera cuts that mean you can't tell what the hell is happening, effectively draining any intensity and excitement from the scrap. On the contrary, the shooting scenes are a lot more passable and climax is suitably impressive. It's very much a lads movie - I know the original TV show was pretty much men-only, but it still remained wholesome family entertainment, at least in my eyes, even if Hannibal's original actor did basically chew out any woman who became a regular on the show. Should I complain about how the only important woman in the story, although vital to the characters' wellbeing, is continuously referred to by everyone as a bitch? Or is this just my white man's guilt flaring up?
It makes entertaining use of its two hour runtime, it never feels like a drag at any point (it takes a little while to build up at first, but that's more because it's not until they reach the hospital that the action scenes become satisfying), and hey, watching shit blow up on the side of people throwing "pity" and "fool" into every sentence isn't bad.
The Warriors: My buddy LVK138 has been hyping it to no end ever since we began chatting years ago, primarily because he's a big brawler game buff and thus he's a fan of all the movies that basically inspired the look and feel of many of them. For that purpose, it's a very intriguing watch - you can practically feel the Final Fight influence radiating from every frame, from the scrappy run-down city dwellings to the wackily dressed thematic punks.
Watching it as a film, though, it's okay. There was less action than I was expecting - what action there was wasn't bad, but I guess my experience with the likes of Streets of Rage and other games that already recreate the same kind of antics but in a more tightknit manner leave it rather mundane in comparison. It's a little slow-going, but it adds ambiance that way, just getting to see those environments more. It's also nice to hear the original version of "Warriors! Come out and plaaay-aaay!" rather than someone doing a botched imitation.
Romancing of the Stone: Very fun flick, like Indiana Jones but with less whimsy, more romance and more dudes-getting-their-hands-eaten-off-by-crocodiles. I'd happily watch it again in the future, and I look forward to seeing the sequel!
The Incredibles: I sometimes wonder why I bother reviewing movies when inevitably my opinions all border around "enjoyable to some degree." My thoughts on games tend to vary enough due to the involvement they require, but for movies it's more a matter of whether or not I feel it was worth taking the time to watch it. It's nice to finally see The Incredibles, but at the same time I could easily have lived without it. Some decent action and a fun performance by Jason Lee as the bad guy, though all the drama did nothing for me. I've heard that originally it was going to be even more dramatic with more deaths and so on, but, come on, it's a cartoon. I'm all for mature cartoons, but when it's superheroes with disproportionate cartoon bodies and secretaries with stick insect figures and general goofy action sequences, it trying to say "look at me I'm dramatic" captures the same mental image as a pouty child in a fairy costume. Otherwise, not a bad flick! Probably wouldn't be impressed if I paid to see it, though. Good thing it was on TV.
Today's lamentation: It's a pity that Rip Rig & Panic don't have a terribly appealing sound, as "Another Tampon Up the Arse of Humanity" is a great name for a song. Same thing with Death By Stereo, which is probably the only band I actually genuinely hate, but I do commend them for the song title "I Wouldn't Piss In Your Ear, If Your Brain Was On Fire."
05/August/2010
So, I tried the demo of Limbo, some 2D platformer that people are claiming to be the new definition of artsy fartsy, all because it doesn't have music or colour.
(Thanks to Codie for reminding me how appropriate this picture is, and also how terrible my arms are)
This is why nobody respects the games industry, folks. We weren't impressed with the revolutionary hair technology in Final Fantasy: Spirits Within, but douse a game in bloom and fog and we'll be calling it the best thing since sliced bread.
Every review of Limbo on GameFAQs offers nothing less than a 9 out of 10, and consistently refers to the game as an "experience." It certainly tries very hard to hammer that in. From the ten minutes I played, a lot of it is just spent walking forward waiting for an obstacle to crop up. The play style is limited strictly to moving, jumping and an all-purpose interaction button, which mostly involves pulling stuff. In the right hands a very simplistic control scheme like that could make for a very interesting game, but given what the rest of the game is like, it just comes across as lifeless.
People are praising the game for not having any narrative. You heard me. You wake up in a forest, abuse some corpses, get your head snapped off by bear traps repeatedly, and the game ends after finding a girl, so I have read. A lot of games involve the protagonist waking up with no memories or knowledge of where they are, and the goal is to investigate the mystery behind their surroundings and circumstances (like the game featured in this gratuitous plug to Scary-Crayon!). Limbo apparently foregoes that last part and just makes you wake up and go wandering for no reason. No motive or reason, you've just got no option but to keep walking to the right. I suppose if you didn't know there was no narrative then playing the game to find one would be a sufficient reason to play it, but otherwise it seems like a pointless affair. Obviously a demo isn't the best way to judge a game, but what little I played was uneventful and, more damning, unchallenging.
I know I rag on about games with unnecessarily large stories I don't care about, and now I'm going to sound like a hypocrite for ragging on about a game with no story, but the point here is that the game just isn't involving. I'm certainly not interested in actually playing it because it's not very challenging and doesn't make the best use of its concept. I'm not interested in it simply for the experience because it looks boring as hell. And I can't even say I'm in it for the graphics because, jeez, guys, ever heard of a colour palette? Even some goddamned music would be nice. LostWinds was kinda joyless to play at times, but I won't deny I kept going simply because the graphics, the music and the environment did capture my interest. That is a game I played largely because of the atmosphere. Limbo is a game that seems to be going out of its way to be as unappealing as possible.
With MS
Paint and a buttload of filters, you too can make your own unique
Limbo screenshot!
People are probably arguing that's the point. It's limbo! The realm between heaven and hell! A place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past, or out of date! It's not going to be cupcakes and roses, sweetie! But, sorry, if you're going to make a game for the sole purpose of going "hey you guys look at this allegory I made", that's just sad. For that matter, people argue about whether or not video games can be art, but what about other games? Is Snakes And Ladders a bitter commentary on the chance of the common man ever landing a stable life? Is Stuck-In-The-Mud basically saying no matter how good our medical science progresses, we're going to be fucked sooner or later? If I keep talking like this then I'm going to become a pretentious asshole as well. Moreso than usual!
Also, sorry, but any hint of a game's quality for seriousness vanishes when the hero's head fucking falls off when he's hit by a bear trap. He doesn't get ensnared and bleed to death, nor does it simply break his bones, leaving him to slowly wilt and his consciousness fade away. No, it cuts his head off and it bounces around like a beach ball while a blood fountain gushes from his neck. That's not mature, that's an extract from your typical thirteen year old's sketch pad. I love how even a supposedly artsy game about a kid in a forest can't resist the desire to be unnecessarily violent.
Is it worth discussing that all but three of the Xbox 360 games I have are rated 15 or higher? The only ones that aren't are Bomberman: Act Zero (which has frightening fetish robots with bouncing breasts), Sonic the Hedgehog (hedgehog-human romance!) and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (which is based off a movie where a remote control car humps a girl's leg). What a wonderful gaming environment we live in.
I will admit the graphical style is interesting. Interesting is not the same as good, mind you, but it's interesting. I really do just wish more was done with it, though. The boy just looks ugly the way he's animated, and seriously, even just a few hints of colour would've spiced it up a lot. You don't need to make it like bright fluorescent green or anything, just subtle additions that add to the supposedly ethereal surroundings, yknow. I think working in monochrome or with silhouettes can, in the right hands, make for a very interesting visual style, but Limbo just doesn't do it in an attractive manner. It'd probably look nicer in an animated film, though.
Lost in Shadow is another game that aims for the monochrome silhouette look, but it just looks like a game set inside a toilet bowl. Will I write about it some time in the future? Probably not!
04/August/2010
Castlevania: Harmony of something-beginning-with-D is out! And I only heard about it last month! So, what's it like?
Well thanks to the wonderful world of game demos I can't actually tell, as I haven't bought the game and the demo offers only the first level with Alucard as the sole playable character. I can get behind that. It may not be cool, but that's just how the world of demos is run.
I'm not so appreciative of the fact that it doesn't offer the multi-player mode. What the hell? That's like shilling a Sonic game without the speed, or a Metal Slug game without the bullets. While I love me some Castlevania, the modern exploration instalments do get a bit wearisome after a while and the multi-player was the very reason I was interested in this one. I don't care that they recycled every graphic possible, or that the sole piece of music I heard in the demo was more like indistinct noise than a rock song - it has multi-player, and that's what I want!
And I can't try it without buying. Maaaaaan.
Of course, multi-player demos can be kind of obnoxious. The demo of the PC Halo offered only the Blood Gulch map; not a bad choice, and ultimately multi-player is all anyone's going to want out of the series, but it meant that back when I still played the game it was difficult to find a healthily-populated server on a map that wasn't the damned wasteland. I'm sure people who are playing Transformers: War For Cybertron are sick of seeing the same low-level classes being used by newbies who are only trying the demo.
For that matter, what did I think of that game's demo? Well, it wasn't bad. I only played about fifteen minutes of it and it was a pleasant change from my usual blasts of Left 4 Dead, and the robots controlled a lot smoother than the hulking, hobbling behemoths of the PlayStation 2 Armada game, though the vehicles were disappointing. I still believe the PS2 game really captured controlling a Transformer as perfectly as possible - the robots played like accurate representations of tall, lumbering, mechanical marvels armed to the gills with weaponry and abilities, while their vehicle modes perfectly demonstrated why they made themselves into cars in the first place: Optimus Prime can't climb hills to save his life.
But in War For Cybertron, the vehicle modes I had access to seemed rather useless. Besides a hint of floatiness, they barely controlled differently from the robot modes, with only a slight change in power to differentiate them. Also, sorry, but I don't see the point of Transformers when want they turn into is just an indistinct tank-shaped mound. I love that you can see just how the likes of Jazz and Starscream twist and contort themselves to become Porsche automobiles and F-15 jets respectively, but that charm is lost when they just turn into boring alien machines. I might pick up the game eventually (if anything it plays more comfortably than the Revenge of the Fallen game), but I'm in no rush. I've barely touched any of my 360 games that don't begin in "Left" and end in "Dead."
I also tried the demo of Limbo. I've got a lot to nag about, so I'll reserve it for tomorrow - I need every blog update I can get! MY LIFE IS SO UNEVENTFUL.