23/August/2016
ONM Remembered - #394
"You get given money and you have to decide how to spend it. Or you can spend it on girls, or Vodka Martinis."
from N64 Magazine issue 17 (July 1998)
A couple of sterling game ideas sent in from N64 Magazine readers.
I imagine at least one 007 game has made steps towards the level of procedure
and freedom James and Daniel expound upon, and I hear Alpha Protocol was
one step towards the interrogation/communication angle, but there's something
nice and intangible about ideas on paper like this. The notion of booting up a
game where the goal is to stop an international ring of criminals, smugglers and
ne'er-do-wells, and spending all your time in the casino or the backseat of a
car just amuses me.
Animal World 64 also sounds mighty nifty, if just because I'm still hungry for a regular old animal simulator, though Tokyo Jungle might have that genre covered. Not that I wouldn't be amiss to a bit of competition to liven things up.
25/August/2016
ONM Remembered - #395
"Free poster"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 69 (June 1998)
Now this is a cool poster! I don't recall there actually being a lot of art or renders made for the Goldeneye game (I mean, why bother when promotional stills from the movie are right there?), but this is really nifty looking. I love how they use a very swish model of Bond, possibly even a fancier model of the Silo stage (with polygonal guardrails and everything!)... but the soldiers are plucked straight from the game, only blurred to look less embarrassing. I love it.
27/August/2016
ONM Remembered - #396
"When Alison the Publisher walked in two days before this issue had to be at the printers and asked why we were playing deathmatch GoldenEye 007 when we still had half the magazine to write, I removed a grille on the wall, slipped through the hole into the ventilation duct beyond, and hid there till she'd gone away again."
from N64 Magazine issue 9 (December 1997)
An exciting day in the life of N64 Magazine editor cum British secret agent Jonathan Davies. That's not a photo edit, that's the real deal; his hands really are that smooth. You try to shake his hand and you grip just slips right off. As far as idiosyncratic weaknesses go, it's not an easy one to exploit for an ironic death or to make quips about. "Looks like you gave me the slip" was only funny the first time he heard it.
30/August/2016
ONM Remembered - #397
"This jolly green giant makes the Terminator look like a pussy cat!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 65 (February 1998)
(big ups to
oldgamemags.com for the scans!)
Who would believe a dodgy, all-but-forgotten fighting game like Dual Heroes got a full bevy of action figures? And a fan-made doujinshi as well, according to Wikipedia! Were there any other tie-ins that have been forgotten to time?
01/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #398
"SEAL'S MOST WANTED: Pictures of Darth Wader (Seal's so-called father)"
Sometimes it's difficult to step back and realise in the same magazine that was showing you just how cute and nifty Paper Mario was, readers were sending in suggestions to a fictional seal on how to graphically murder the editor. The '90s were wild, man.
03/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #399
"Let's hope the Big N developers are reading!"
While the notion of a Star Fox kart racer isn't that exciting, the mention of buying upgrades sound nifty, and the idea of seeing the planets up close and personal and the mention of buying upgrades does sound tempting, especially if the level of detail were as lively as that of Mario Kart 7 and 8. Star Fox Assault and Zero probably already covered those bases but it'd be neat to explore them without getting shot at. (or enduring dodgy "this isn't what i wanted" gameplay)
06/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #400
"This month we were struck on the heads by a GoldenEye 007 cartridge."
08/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #401
"So if you've got any sense, you'll give them a ring! ... and if you haven't got any sense, you'll be too busy playing on your Amstrad GX4000 and crying intermittently."
I was hoping at some point there'd be a good thorough archive of
Charlie Brooker's stupid old comics, as every time I research I find there's more
I'd never even heard of.
Before his
personal website was shuttered because
what idiot would host such
puerile, geeky filch when
they have potential career opportunities on the line, there once existed a
little corner for Here's Toby highlights and trivia. Every single one of the
images is broken, but them's the breaks. When you spend your free time trying to
salvage websites of years gone by, you have to get used to a little heartbreak.
10/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #402
"We're not talking CDs here, which aren't quite as tolerant of having strawberry jam slapped all over them as we might have been led to believe."
from N64 Magazine issue 11 (January 1998)
Max Everingham uses his column to grumble about video game packaging, and shares some interesting factoids about Japanese recycling circa 1998. It's actually an interesting little read, and also a rarely discussed topic: video game packaging and the environment. It was probably a bigger deal back then when every single game you bought came with a beefy manual, fold-out cross-sells and other assorted guff. But what colourful guff! Manuals and pack-ins from that era are still treasured by folks today, and I wonder if the fact it's so fragile is why it feels so cherished. Kinda hard to treasure the box for Tomb Raider Legend when you can kick it across a football stadium with hardly a dent.
Nearly ten years ago
Greenpeace produced a
campaign against the big name companies and their neglect regarding the
chemicals in their products, and pushing for recycling programs for old/faulty
games and consoles. Gamers reacted the way they know best by throwing a strop
and picking apart the inaccuracies in their
Machinima PSA.
It's still an ongoing problem, what with the rare minerals used even in the
production of most phones and tablets nowadays, but I've yet to see an awareness
campaign that suggests what we can actually do about it besides just raising a stink. To
the next person looking to raise awareness, perhaps voice your concern in a
manner more mature than most sprite comics? We could do without seeing Mario
shit out a mushroom, thanks.
13/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #403
"Just like in the cartoon series!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 94 (July 2000)
As regaled back in the coverage of the Pokémon Master Guide, what was meant to be a mere dip of the toe into the Pokémon waters became a fully-fledged plunge. My brother and I were bought both versions of the game, we were up early watching the show on SMTV, we quickly amassed any and all plastic merchandise on shelves, and we were hungry for more games. So naturally yet another version of the same game only this time you don't have to spend three hours trawling the Viridian Forest for a bloody Pikachu was something we couldn't live without.
My brother got the game and was ecstatic at the animated intro,
depicting the little critter surfing, floating and jump-kicking across the
screen. He just had to show dad. "It's Pikachu!"
Dad flashed Pikachu the finger.
In hindsight, I'd say he was totally justified.
(thanks for putting up with us dad)
15/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #404
"COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE THIRSTY ENOUGH!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 91 (April 2000)
Introducing: the Dark Souls of sippy cups.
17/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #405
"No, no, NO! Luigi DIDN'T appear in SM 64, despite all those pesky rumours on the Internet."
(big ups to oldgamemags.com for the scans!)
I can only assume "Heroes" was an ongoing feature throughout ONM for a while if this was the tenth instalment, but this was the only one I had in my collection. Presumably offering quick history lessons on notable video game characters, this gives up a quick catch-up on Luigi, everyone's favourite second fiddle. It's a worthy little read if just for the crushing realisation that, no, Luigi is not secretly buried somewhere inside of Super Mario 64. Stop looking. (didn't stop me from trying, though!)
20/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #406
"**PRIZES!** Chance to win with every call"
from 100% Unofficial Nintendo 64 Players' Guide To Zelda 64 (by Paragon
Publishing)
Yet another advertisement for a cheats hotline, though the sole reason I even scanned this was because of the miscoloured Kazooie on the bottom corner. Don't tell me this was an attempt to evade legalities, was it? I want to believe they just misplaced the ink while printing this page, but Kazooie's wings are still her usual colour for goodness sake.
22/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #407
"I love Breetish laydeez."
from N64 Magazine issue 23 (December 1998)
Sometimes there's no explanation given for what nonsense the staff are spouting. You just have to say "okay" and go on with your day.
24/September/2016
ONM Remembered - #408
"Got bored with your old games? Want to play them again? Now you can with these fantastic new techniques!"
from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 95 (August 2000)
This was a very real problem during the N64 era, or for anyone who simply couldn't buy any new games: what do you do when you've done everything? You've got all the stars, reclaimed the Super Happy Tree and shot Trevalyan in the arse. Either you resign those games to the shelf, or you make up inane new activities to do.
ONM ran this feature for at least a few months, featuring both reader submissions and their own creations, though the latter usually left something to be desired. I'm pretty sure one of their ideas was Mario 64 showjumping - seeing how far you and your friends could get across an invisible line using only the enhanced triple jump. I plumbed the depths of that game even after I'd totally conquered it, and I'm sure I never once considered that a good idea.
WWF 2000 Gauntlet sounds great fun, though. (when are we getting a WWE-themed Gauntlet game though)